[Mouse_]

Yes there is no escaping the fact that I so want to cure myself intellectually but alas the feelings are going ot have to be felt at some point,

Told T about a site I was reading and talked about the hug thing, well I actually just darted in and out quickly with the hug chat, but she said you seem to want to cure yourself intellectually, but that still leaves the feelings.

I told her I feel like she will have to put a stick of dynamite in my head for me to ever be able to go there.

I told her suddenly that I felt like a prisoner there, she said what you feel like I am making you come ? I said nooooooo, I guess what Im meaning is I feel entrapped by my own inabilty to open up.

She said I don't think thats static, there is movement there.

Funny I really felt very hyper in session today, and felt the need to have T talk, now I think its because we have no T next week and I was trying to get as much of T into as possible.

I hate this pain of wanting/not wanting because one is afraid it won't be enought if we want it? I dunno.

Think I'll stop reading stuff and just sit with the discomfort of not knowing %#@&#! all about %#@&#! all.

[Perna]

The stuff you're reading is static and you're not. My T use to say I wanted things to be like a book with structure and rules to follow and, especially, known endings. I didn't like the uncertainty of the therapy process; not knowing the rate of progress, the direction, whether it would be "successful", when it would end, etc.

((((Mouse)))),

It sounds like you have a lot of insight into your difficulties.

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I feel entrapped by my own inabilty to open up.

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I wasn't sure -- Are you saying that you are having problems actually feeling the emotions or that you do feel them but can't release them?

The intellectual/emotional civil war, for me, is one of the most difficult aspects of therapy.

Take care of yourself! I do care.

[Mouse_]

Hi soliaree, I struggle to know how to feel them, and as you put is so well, have a intellectual/emotional civil war going on during the session and its only when I get home that I start to know what it is I was putting of feeling in session, abeit unconsiously, Like once I got home today I felt fear, fear of not having T around next week, but during the session I just felt so emotionally bound, frustrated that I couldnt experience anything emotionally.