....but I broke the contract.

For so many reasons.

[Goldi]

((((((pinksoil))))))

[ECHOES]

((( pink )))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( pinksoil ))))))))))))

Thanks guys. I hope he doesn't get mad at me tomorrow.

What exactly happened? I am praying for you!

((((PINK))))

Ok well T called me back yesterday and he was really worried about my SI-- so he asked me to contract w/ him(we do that sometimes) just until Friday. We agreed on no more than two cuts between yesterday and Friday and no going any deeper than what I normally do.

So instead of feeling taken care of I got real mad at him. I started to feel like he was taking away my freedom to do what I want to myself. I always tell him... there is so much control in being out of control... Well I felt like he had too much control over me and I wanted to say %#@&#! you, I'll do what I want to myself.

Then I decided... well, maybe I should write about it instead of actually doing it... so I wrote this whole thing while I was going through all of this last nite... and I intend on bringing it in to him tomorrow... but then I ended up breaking the contract anyway and doing way more than 2. Then I felt bad and scared afterwards because I thought that the connection we had was strong enough so that I could stick to these contracts... if I don't wanna do something for me, I will usually do it for him... but I guess at the same time I didn't like that... I didn't like that I do things "for him" and I didn't like that he has that kind of power over me... And now I'm scared that he's gonna be mad at me. Or really disappointed. Or both.

Then I got even more upset because I realized what an angry, manipulative %#@&#! I can be.

I broke the contract. I have never broken a promise to him before. He has never broken a promise to me. I wouldn't like it if he did.

Bad Pink.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
Ok well T called me back yesterday and he was really worried about my SI-- so he asked me to contract w/ him(we do that sometimes) just until Friday. We agreed on no more than two cuts between yesterday and Friday and no going any deeper than what I normally do.

So instead of feeling taken care of I got real mad at him. I started to feel like he was taking away my freedom to do what I want to myself. I always tell him... there is so much control in being out of control... Well I felt like he had too much control over me and I wanted to say %#@&#! you, I'll do what I want to myself.

Then I decided... well, maybe I should write about it instead of actually doing it... so I wrote this whole thing while I was going through all of this last nite... and I intend on bringing it in to him tomorrow... but then I ended up breaking the contract anyway and doing way more than 2. Then I felt bad and scared afterwards because I thought that the connection we had was strong enough so that I could stick to these contracts... if I don't wanna do something for me, I will usually do it for him... but I guess at the same time I didn't like that... I didn't like that I do things "for him" and I didn't like that he has that kind of power over me... And now I'm scared that he's gonna be mad at me. Or really disappointed. Or both.

Then I got even more upset because I realized what an angry, manipulative %#@&#! I can be.

I broke the contract. I have never broken a promise to him before. He has never broken a promise to me. I wouldn't like it if he did.

Bad Pink.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

((((PINK))))

Hun, don't be upset! We make mmistakes thats part of therapy! We learn sooooo much from each event that takes place in ourr lives. I've read your posts for the longest time and have always been intrested in your relationship with your T. Its a great relationship! Please don't be hard on yourself....he only asked for a contract to make it harder for you to not cut more then twice......I hope....you...dont take it all out on you!

Dustin

I don't think that your T will be mad or disappointed in you when you give him your reasons. He may see this as a good opportunity to discuss and work through your strong feelings. The same feelings that drove you to be "manipulative".
Good Pink.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((pinksoil)))))))))))))

I don't think your T is going to be disappointed. You did try, and sometimes contracts don't work out.

When people tell me to not even think about SIng - it's like it's a power struggle and I'm the one who loses. To heck with the fact it's supposed to be for my "best interests" ... I want control of my own life, and own decisions, thanks.

I quit SIng for a friend of mine. Bad decision. I screwed up and broke my promise. He didn't hate me though, because I know, and you know that we have to do it for ourselves. It can help to do it for others in the beginning, but it doesn't always work.

And you're not an angry, manipulative %#@&#!. I think I am right now though (since I'm just going through this right now, and writing to you... I hope I made some sense) - but if you're all of that, that means I can't be. And I want to be. And you're really nice and everyone's a bit manipulative and you're helpful.

[MissCharlotte]

Pink,

So sorry you are conflicted about the contract.

When you can't connect with T or conjure him up, would it have helped to call him again? And leave a message on his machines if it were too late?

I know you had a busy evening with your schoolwork. Were you really tired and needing an outlet? Hmmm, it feels like you need someone who you can talk to in the middle of the night if necessary, sort of like a 12 step group for alcoholics, or am I being ridiculous. Yeah, I'm ridiculous. But if you had someone you could talk to "live" just to keep you safe, then you could deal with the real stuff with T.

Peace &amp; Love.

Be good to yourself, girlfriend. Here's something to cheer you up.



http://www.flowerbud.com/images/flow...uet-mday06.jpg

[Perna]

So, what did you learn (that's good/useful) for next time? Mistakes/"bad" decisions are for learning from. He'll be whatever he'll be, not anything you can do about that now?

I don't ever apologize for myself; I'm doing the best I can and I always support/back myself. I make mistakes (plenty) and I'll happily admit to them but not apologize for them. They're valuable "information" and no matter what I did/chose, it is always a valid choice that moment when I choose it; my choice, and I'm for Me 110%! :-)

[lauren_helene]

Pink you didn't do it on purpose sweety, we all make mistakes. If I posted some of my recent ones, your eyes would pop out.

You are doing the best you can, both of you...hang in there