Emotionally Hurt by something my ex said

my ex posted on his online journal:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just found out my friends from jr. high
named their 1st born after me blush
isn't that cool Ridley Shawn joshua goodwynn
i feel all warm and fuzzy now!
and hey for the rest of ya's
finger
right there baby!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Now this would be all good and fine except that I am carrying his baby, and not ONCE has he mentioned on his journal anything about the baby or the fact that his son is going to have his name... i feel like he doesnt care now. It may be irrational but this sort of hurt.

I am so sorry hon. that really stinks.

Can you tell him how you feel? Maybe he has different reasons than you think for not posting about his own son.

The tone of his online journal is very jokey and flippant and this may be the persona he wishes to adopt online. Could it be he is much more serious and has deeper feelings about being a father and his own son and just doesn't see it as fodder for his jokey online blog?

added later: sorry, I missed the part that you two are no longer together. I though he was your boyfriend/husband. If possible, I would advise not reading his online journal to avoid future hurt and misunderstanding.

Do you know these friends from junior high and whether the story is "true"? The, "and hey for the rest of ya's/finger" did not sit well with me. I don't know how/why you split though and what the circumstances are with you now but I'd say he was hurting about something in the relationship and glad to have a reason to hurt you "back". My stepmother and I use to do that to one another though we loved one another a great deal.

thanks for your replies guys.

No, I do not know these friends from junior high, and have no way to know if it is true.

What I can tell you , is that we broke up because A) he cheated on me, and b) our relationship was terrible. I found out I was pregnant a week after we had broken up. Fabulous timing for sure, especially since I was told that medically it was unlikely that I would ever get pregnant. Well, lo and behold I did.

Sadly, this doesn't surprise me, the more I think about it. Several of our common friends have commented on it though, saying he is being callous and mean to do that. I've been advised that I really shouldn't make any expectations for him to be any better than this, and to be honest I half expect him to take off on me. Considering he cannot hold down a job without getting fired for losing his temper or not showing up, considering that he already has one kid he refuses to pay support on or see, and considering he jokes all the time about taking off on me.

In spite of all this, he is not ENTIRELY a terrible guy. He has alot of good qualities, but many issues as well. If possible, I would see him at least involved in his son's life in a positive way, even if that means seeing his son once a week for three hours, at least his son will know he is there and that his daddy loves him.

his only response when I questioned him about it was that I make enough posts on MY online journal "for the both of us" "so there"

Le sigh. I think I am expecting too much out of him, perhaps, with the way he is. But I said this to a friend, i mean, no matter what I do, I can't change that he is the father of my baby, so I feel like I have to at least try to be peaceable with him and offer him the possibility of being a good father in some respect.

Sadly, it's obvious that he has no intentions to write about your baby together. It's his loss! I agree with the other ppl you know who said not to expect much from him. He's acting pretty immature. You'll only have yourself to rely on now. Don't let him ruin your life and the life of your baby. Make something great of yourself for you and your baby and let him regret he has evered treated you badly. *Blessings & Congrats!!**

Rainbowzz, hunny,
I so admire you right now! You are one strong and intelligent woman!
I agree with the others here that this fella...the father of your baby...is not worthy of you, or, for that matter, to be part of your baby's life! Yes, it would be wonderful if he would "MAN UP!!!!" and step forward to be supportive to you emotionally and financially during this special time, but it doesn't seem to be his nature.
I am concerned for you. I would suggest that you stop looking at his "journal"...online. He is a cad, and you need to take care of yourself and your baby.
Love,
Patty

((((((((((((( Rainbowzz )))))))))))))

It sounds to me like your ex is very immature and selfish to say the least. I'm so sorry you are being hurt by his callous attitude towards you and his child.

While the thought of having him as a loving father with your child is a good one, I think you might want to change the course of your efforts and put them directly towards yourself and your baby.

Since you obviously can't change who he is or how he reacts to your situation, you only have control over yourself. I don't mean you should cut him out of your lives completely. What I mean is that you would be much better off if you did what you need to do to care for yourself and your child. Let the chips fall where they may. Don't make excuses for him and his bad behavior. Accept it for what it is and know that you and your baby deserve better. Don't bang your head against the wall trying to get him to "come around and get it".

I saw my daughter go through some very difficult times with the father of my grandchild. He no more wanted to be a father and involved with his sons life than a stranger off the street. I saw the hurt and devestation in my daughters life from her putting so much effort into the relationship (whether they were together or not) and it just sucked the life out of her. I don't want to see that happen to you too hon.

Take good care of YOU and that precious child you are carrying. Your ex will make his own way on his own terms and there is not a thing you can do to help direct him. It's all his call.

Much love & respect to you!


sabby

(((sabby))) thanks hun, some really wise words there and i have taken them into consideration.

I am really starting to question the value of having him around.

Tonight we were talking via msn and he told me that if i decide to have pain releif drugs, he refuses to be there when the baby is born, on the basis that they can cause further problems during childbirth. Well, um, PAIN is a problem dontcha think? If i am overcome with pain that is NOT going to help my baby.

Then we got to talking about something else and I mentioned wanting him to be there to hold the baby after its born, and he was like "I told you I'm not playing house with you"... and I was like, uhhh what does that have to do with you holding your son after he is born? And he just replied that we "didn't have to discuss this now" and dropped it.

Makes no sense to me at all... And kind of pissed me off too.

Wow, Rainbowzz, I sure understand why you are pissed off. On the one hand, this guy wants to control the birth of your baby, but on the other hand, he doesn't want to hold the baby once it's born? I think you are right to question whether you want him around.

This is your birth, and you and your doctor can work out an approach that manages your pain to the extent that you wish and that is safe for both you and your baby. If absentee Dad gets pissy about your decision, tell him to phone up the doctor so he hear from a medical professional about childbirth options and the approach you have chosen.

I am thinking you would be wise to turn your back on this "man," who appears to have been nothing more than a sperm donor to you and your baby.
The decision to have pain control during childbirth is yours and yours alone, and he has NO right to dictate anything regarding this, even if he wanted to be there full time. It's your body, your baby. What an assinine statement! to say that he will not be present if you chose to have pain control! Let HIM go thru the pains of childbirth and say such a thing! It's outrageous and cruel.
Being pregnant is an emotional and tender time, when you deserve support. He is giving you "not playing house with you" instead and this has to be upsetting. Not good for you to hear...for you or your baby.
Love,
Patty

It certainly doesn't sound like he wants to be a daddy, "play" house with you. I think you have to give up that idea, that he will bond with the baby and realize he actually does want to be a daddy. He's making his own selfish, messy bed and eventually will have to lie in it.

(((((((((((( Rainbowzz ))))))))))))))))

I know that in your heart you have to feel like you have done everything you can within your power to make something of this situation work, whether it be for your and your child or even just your child. I have been there before myself before leaving an abusive relationship with my kids father. It's a tough call to finally say "enough already"! But, what I can tell you is that after the decision is finally made and you can put your energies into your life and your childs life without the worry of someone who is constantly trying to control you (and that is exactly what he is doing), you will find a sense of peace and accomplishment. I'm not saying that this is easy because it isn't.

Like others here have said, you owe it to yourself and your child to do what is best for the both of you. No one can or should dictate to you how you give birth or raise your child (unless you are doing something harmful).

It seems to me he is making any kind of excuse he can to not be in your lives in any fashion. He knows he is putting stipulations on you that are difficult and/or impossible for you to follow through on. I hate to say it hon, but he's telling you in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want to be a part of your lives. I know it's hard to hear....hard to accept. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings. I am not trying to hurt you, just open your eyes to what he is saying....and reading between the lines.

Like I said in the beginning...you will have to figure out all this in your own mind and heart. I pray that what you decide on is the right choice for you and your child and that you both have a wonderful and fulfilling life.


sabby