In between therapists and I'm struggling

I really need support right now. I'm between therapists and psychiatrists right now and I'm having a hard time for many reasons right now.

This time of year is hard for me because half of family has died and I miss them so much.

Now my dad who has been mostly out of my life since I was a baby showed up and I let him stay in our house but he's not contributing anything towards our household expenses.

And I'm hurting over having to switch pharmacies. I asked the pharmacist if he was open to going for coffee with me and he said yes. But, I think we agreed to wait a year after I change pharmacies. But now I am sad about switching pharmacies even though that means that I will have a chance at being friends with him.

I want to stay in touch with him because he's a genuine good person and he's awesome to talk to. So even though that means that I have to let go of him as a pharmacist in order for us to be friends in the future, I know that it will be worth it in the future. I don't know why I'm sad about having to change pharmacies because he said that we could go for coffee after a year to allow time to pass after I was a customer at the store.

I really need a therapist to process everything with.

The huge problem is that since I'm completely off of my medications awaiting my appointment with a new psychiatrist on Monday, I can't get motivated to even call the new T's office to schedule an appointment. I had to miss the last appointment that I had scheduled with him.

I have read his reviews and he has great reviews.

I'm so nervous about starting therapy again.

But, my stress level is very high right now and since I'm off of my ADHD medication, my ADHD is coming at me full force at the worst possible time. I'm trying to get things organized but I'm just overwhelmed.

I really need support and encouragement right now because I feel so alone and I'm hurting really badly.

Focus on Monday coming up. It will be here soon.

Could you evict your dad? You don’t need to support another adult

What is it about the pharmacist that captivates you so deeply? Does he remind you of someone else? Is it his mannerisms or that you( used to) see him on a regular basis but you controlled when, and he stayed in his space behind the counter? I have been trying to figure this out for a long time, so I wanted to just ask you. A pharmacist behind a counter giving you crucial meds that help seems to juxtapose a dad who invades your space, takes advantage, and doesn't contribute.

I really hope your new PDoc is excellent. Best, Esme

I just like the pharmacist as a person.

He has given me a lot of helpful advice regarding getting into pharmacy school too. I've talked to him about a lot of stuff.

It is good to have someone like that in my life.

He doesn't remind me of anyone.

I began to have goals again about a month ago. Then I just spiraled into a darkness. I'm barely hanging on now.

Now I am beginning to wonder what is the point of trying.

Monday feels so far away.

It doesn't matter anyway. No body cares about me. I'm so alone in the world. Why should I believe that anyone could care about me.

Hope,

You’re in my thoughts right now. You aren’t alone. Please keep posting for support. If you don’t feel safe, please go to the ER. Sending positivity your way.

(You may recall me...theglamslam...new account, kitties.)

Hope, why did you have to miss the last appointment you had scheduled with the new T?
It seems like you really need to connect with a good therapist.
Monday is coming soon. Hold on.

Hope, you frequently complain here that nobody cares about you, also say that it's hard without a T, but at the same time refuse to go to your appointments or to keep them regularly. How could people get through to you and help you that way?

I agree with divine - can you give a deadline to your dad to move out, and stick with it? It sounds like you have never had a relationship with him really... it's almost like a stranger demanding free accommodation then?

Does the spiral have a trigger you can put your finger on? What was the first moment you recognized darkness?

Is there anything you can do to keep consistent with your ADHD meds? I can't keep appointments, organize or prioritize, get work or much of anything done when I forget to take my Adderall. It sucks because I want to do certain things, but I just cannot. My brain goes haywire. The Adderall also helps boost my mood. Not sure what you are taking but I wonder if getting and staying on your meds will help lift you. Adult ADHD can be more destructive when left untreated than a lot of people realize.

As for your dad -- depending on how you feel about the relationship, I would ask him to either contribute to the family (rent, food, whatever) or tell him he needs to find another place to live. It's imperative you set good boundaries for yourself.

Sorry you are struggling. It's a rough time of year, too. I hope things turn around for you real soon!!

Hope, you are not alone. Many people have a hard time keeping appointments, taking meds as prescribed, staying focused, and other things that make it hard get out of a spiral to move forward. You have a lot on your plate and most so-called normal people would be overwhelmed. Hang in there Hope, and conceivably things will turn around soon.

Money was the problem getting to the Ts appointment and I really need to call and schedule tomorrow. The initial fee is the highest and then it goes to a more manageable fee.

I need to figure out where my spiral started.

I know family stress isn't helping because no one in my house understands what I'm going through and that's why I miss therapy.

My dad seems to worsen my anxiety and depression.

You are absolutely right about things being so different without my ADHD medication. I'm on Adderall and when I'm off of it, my ADHD symptoms begin to get out of control and that leads to anxiety and then those lead to insomnia and depressed mood.

I did see a psychiatrist on the 20th and got prescriptions for Adderall for ADHD, Xanax for anxiety, and Ambien for sleep.

I was finally able to fill them today.

I received a voice mail from a pharmacy manager at a local pharmacy requesting an interview. I haven't feel well and I hadn't returned the call yet.

My plans for tomorrow are to call the manager back to schedule the interview for the pharmacy tech position, call and schedule an appointment with the T, and call a Dr.s office for my brother because he's been sick for days.

The ADHD medication is helping me get organized and focused to begin to move forward again.

I told my father that his presence in my house was draining and I told him that his staying here wasn't working out. He said that he was looking for another place and that he'd give me $100 on December 1st towards the electric bill.

I want to thank you all for listening. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

It's a hard cycle to be in. Being off of my ADHD medication makes it harder for me to stay organized which leads to unfinished goals and projects which then leads to severe anxiety and that eventually causes depressed mood.

The ADHD medication seems to have pulled me out of my darkness.

But, I'm filled with paralyzing anxiety about calling to schedule for the interview. The message was left on Wednesday but I wasn't well for days so I didn't call back. So now all I have to say is that I wasn't well and hope that he will still interview me.

I want a pharmacy tech job and I'm planning to return to college to retake my science prerequisites so I can apply for pharmacy school. I was a former Pre-Med years ago but since so much time has passed since I completed those prerequisites, I have to retake them.

And also, I know that I can be a challenging and difficult person and I'm sorry for that. I'm just in a rough place and I've been through so much pain, that it's so hard to figure things out.

And, I have a hard time forgiving myself for always screwing things up.

I caused a problem at the pharmacy before I left. It began with a note telling the pharmacist that I loved him. He must have said something to the manager which lead to them telling me that it would be best if I transferred pharmacies. So the last time that I talked to that pharmacy manager, I apologized. He said he's open to going to coffee with me but it has to be at least a year. He said next October.

He's been on vacation this month and I haven't saw him in person since October 18th.

Looking back on it, I think it was just that I loved him as a person. He's only 5 years older than me and he also occasionally took the time to answer questions about Pharmacy school and I asked him if he would write a recommendation for me when it's time for me to apply.

He's a truly good person. The coffee thing is purely a casual and friendly thing. He agreed to coffee with me after a year and that was my suggestion. That would allow time to pass between the time that I was a customer and now just a regular person. He has also been an incredible resource for information on succeeding in the pharmacy profession.

It's been a little over a month since I walked out of the pharmacy.

He's the best pharmacist that I'd ever had but if he stayed my pharmacist, then coffee would be impossible.

I miss talking to him.

I look forward to coffee with him in the future but now I'm so embarrassed about calling the store or going by there because I'm not sure how to phrase the question.

I don't regret the situation with him. I genuinely care about him as a person and I know that he is someone that I'd like to have as a friend.

Yesterday, I began missing ex-pdoc again and cried a little bit. I read a recent positive review on him and it reminded me of those good times that I had in the past. I think that will always hurt when the memories return.

Even when I got a total shock when he flipped out and showed his dark side, I blame myself for it.

Although I took a break for a short while, I often though about all of you. That's why I wanted to come back. I love and care about all of you. I know that I can be frustrating but I know that everything that was being said was out of caring and concern.

A break from therapy has helped me too. It helped me gain clarity on what I really want to work on. Therapy was useless for me after my T terminated me in May 2016. I spent the rest of 2016 and early 2017 dealing with the termination in T. Then, after I got terminated from therapy again earlier this year, I kind of gave up on therapy for awhile.

Now when I restart therapy, I have fresh, clear goals to face all of the roadblocks that I often stumble over.

Hope, I really hope things get better for you. I'm glad you recognise the care of others here. I'm sorry that sometimes it's hard to know what to write. Definitely wishing you well, you've a lot on your plate.

I know that it's difficult to find the words sometimes. But sometimes even just a few words or even saying "I hear you" is comforting. It really helps to know that someone is there.

I definitely don't have that with my family.

I don't have that with my family as well. It can feel so painfully lonely, like an ache that's always there in the background.

I'd thought of writing just "I hear you" like I tend to do on facebook but was afraid it wouldn't be welcome on PC. Habits from other forums where posts had to "contribute to the discussion" rather than be "I support you" etc.

Thanks for letting me (and possibly others! ) know what you find helpful!

Thank you so much. Everything you said meant so much to me.

I was afraid to come back and post on here because everything that I said was causing controversy and getting people upset at me.

I was terrified when I posted on here again.

I don't know what brought me to post to reach out. I just felt like I was drowning and alone.

Tonight, I definitely feel like an unlovable person.

I'm sorry that you feel unlovable, because you're very worthy of love. When Ts reject us and our personal relationships aren't going well, it's hard not to blame yourself.