Couch 158: The Newberry Couch!

I have to wonder if maybe subconsciously, I was trying to blow up the relationship with MC, like mess it up. Because I'm getting tired of dealing with it, the ups and downs, the attachment, then feeling pushed away. I know how he's reacted to statements of love before--saying they're OK, that everything is OK, then acting differently, pushing me away. I've said in the past that maybe I just needed him to be harsh to me to push past the transference. So...maybe I needed to push him, to get him to show his true colors? (or to see if he passed the test). Because that's what I needed to walk away. I need to see the reality of who he is, the reality of what our relationship is. That I'm not special, I'm just some other client, another paycheck. Sure, maybe he cares about me on some level, but nowhere near the level I wish he would. It's like I've pulled away the curtain in Oz. Ready to get in the hot air balloon now (metaphorically--those terrify me!)

Tatadada! My new car!

The 6 disc changer doesnt work but it plays 1 disc, which is handy because you can only listen to one disc at a time

That's a sweet car, BCM. And yeah, what's the purpose of a 6 CD player anyway. Changing them is easily within your skill set.

Obviously the picture attaching thing has been fixed.

This is a picture of Mr Mittens from last week when I came home from being gone for 6 days. He was so glad to see me that he wanted to take a shower with me. I have to admit that I did take a moment to consider whether I should take his picture or turn on the water. After taking his picture I turned the water on to just a trickle and he glared at me before exiting.

Thats so cute. My 2 kittens will stay in the shower with me but wont go under the heavy stream. They like to play with the spray.

Nice car BCM.

Nice cat kecanoe.

((((Lost))))

BCM I love your car! Here's hoping it gives you years of enjoyment!!

Congrats on the car, BCM!

Nice car, BCM!

Cute cat, kecanoe! 2 of mine like to drink out of the shower faucet if it's turned on really low, but they won't go near it when there's an actual shower going.... lol

i am alive but am going to go quiet for now

I'm glad you're alive.

We will all be here, happy to talk again whenever you are ready.

Glad you're safe JDNA. Please take care of yourself and come back when you're ready. We'll be here.

I'm glad you're alive jDNA, you were in my thoughts all day

LT, I think there's merit to your thought that you wanted to undermine things with your mc, to eradicate the transference. To be honest, despite your insistence that it's platonic or paternal, your feelings have come across—to me, at least—as very much romantic. So I wouldn't fault him for interpreting it that way and being extra cautious about how he proceeds.

I definitely do not want a therapist who holds all the boundaries in our interactions. I mean, she can have hers and they can shift, but I would not want a therapist who was rulesy and rigid in that way. It makes me wonder if some therapists choose to be rigid and heavily boundaried with all clients in the event they have some who will feel hurt by changes in their behavior. I think it's better overall for them to be more human in how they respond, although I can see now how that's risky and can hurt some. Maybe this is why some therapists generally start off firm and then become more relaxed over time as they learn what works for a person. Yours did the opposite. I think it got muddied because he's not your individual therapist.

Do you have thoughts about going back for a closure session with your old T? It's interesting that you did not like her firm boundaries, but you like them with the new T.

Self-pity alert.

Did not sleep.

Then had to bundle up new cat for an early vet visit. She hates the carrier. Even at the vet she won’t go back in it (unlike every other cat I’ve known). So after ten minutes, a scratched face and arm, and a torn shirt and jeans, we were off.

I spent the ride comforting her with one hand in the carrier and driving with the other and chanting hopefully soothing nonsense at her. While thinking, who comforts me? The answer to that was not obvious.

That's not self-pity. I think all (most) of us want to be comforted. I know I do. I've even considered buying myself a stuffed animal lately so I can hug it when I want to be comforted.

RR, I will respond to your post--not avoiding it! Just wading through mountain of work and recently learned D's school is closing early for snow that has yet to materialize...grumble.

Ever type out a long post to the couch (or anywhere, really), get ready to post, and then just think, “Ugh. Who is even going to care about this @#$&?” and delete? I mean, this is a caring supportive group. I think I am just raw and afraid to put it out there.

The nutshell is that a year ago everything was disintegrating. I held things together for everyone by the skin of my fingernails. I am weary to the ends of my hair and the tips of my toenails.

Posting right now, before I erase this one too.

Not long, but... Yes, all the time
Hugs. We care. I care

Will I or won't I call t today to schedule for next week? That is the question in my mind right now.... I want to but keep stopping myself..... argh.

Nytimes yesterday had an article about a veterinarian, which reminded me, we havent heard from baybrony in a while.

Yeah, and some other couchies I've been missing too....