Couch 158: The Newberry Couch!

Will somebody call my t for me and get me an appt scheduled?!
Kidding. Kinda.

Last summer when things were pretty rough for me, I got a fuzzy fleece throw blanket featuring characters from my favorite Pixar movie. It is good for bunching up and cuddling it (like a stuffed animal) or wrapping myself up in it. A++, would recommend.

I've totally borrowed my D's stuffed animals. One kind of permanently that represents MC...he's gone back in the bin with her other ones though...(used to keep it separate). Basically, the ones she ignores become potential snuggle targets for me. Nothing wrong with buying one...get it online if you feel weird buying one at the store.

Ok last time i had a dream that i had a relationship with someone famous i woke to the news that they were dead. Last night i dreamed about Billy Connolly so if see the news he's dead today or tomorrow remember you heard it here first.
Or maybe i just dreamt about him because we had a similar childhood

I second getting a cuddly toy i have a grey and white dog that i got after i separated from my ex. No one is going to know who you are buying it for could be your children, neices, nephew, friends child etc

What I feel for him is quite complicated...There's a lot of paternal stuff for sure, just in the way I respond to him, look for his approval, react when he's talking about his kids, etc. There has been some more romantic/erotic aspect off and on...though both MC (when I was first addressing transference with him) and T have said they thought it was more from a young place, the way that kids idealize/romanticize their parents--the whole Oedipal complex thing.

But I know there are some "adult" feelings in there at times, too. The thing is, I've been honest with him about that in the past. When I first told him about the transference, I said it was erotic (After a bunch of questions, trying to figure out why I wanted to meet with him, he said, "Is it that you're attracted to me?" I said, "Yes, emotionally and physically." Him: "Yay, someone's attracted to me!"). He seemed to convince me it was more paternal. But I've brought up, since then (like a year ago), how "it's maybe only 90% paternal" and stuff like that, and he says it's OK. So it's not like this is brand new information for him, that those feelings are there from time to time (it really seems to shift around--like they might be gone for months, then come back). So I don't understand why he's reacting the way he is now...

I recently contacted her (ran into her after MC session) and said that I might like to go for a closure session. She's away most of January, so might be Feb. I'm still not sure if I feel I really need one, but MC, T, and ex-T have all said it's a good idea because I was seeing her a long time and ended rather abruptly, so...I guess it's what I'm supposed to do?

The thing with her boundaries is that in some ways they were firm and in other ways they weren't. She didn't disclose much about her self--that was a huge difference from MC. Current T doesn't disclose much either (we've talked about it, so I know it's not like he's just waiting till I've known him longer). But with ex-T, she did allow the e-mailing, didn't put any set limits on it, just said she wouldn't guarantee a response (she didn't usually respond, or it would just be something like, "Good insight, let's talk about it next session." But then suddenly, my e-mails were too much and too long for her--which I only found out when I asked her about one. Had she set actual boundaries/e-mail policies--which current T has--then I wouldn't have run into that issue. It really eroded a lot of the trust between us.

She also tended to talk about MC a lot--I mean, it's partly because of her that I learned about his wife's illness (and her weird reaction when I asked her a question made me Google to find out she'd died). But it's also that she'd be critical of MC, saying "He shouldn't be calling you," when it was something I felt was helpful. I feel like that's a boundary crossing in another way...T tries not to make judgments about MC, but will instead just try to support me. He might ask me about my interpretation of something and validate it, but wouldn't outright say, "MC shouldn't have done that."

I also think it took me experiencing the negative effects of looser/inconsistent boundaries to appreciate stronger ones...

I think the reason might be your new T. MC likely feels scrutinized if not "supervised" ; when you feel like someone is watching you, then you watch yourself more. I dont mean to say T directly interfered bc I doubt that, but the spell is semi-broken with a kind of professional evaluation/ self-evaluation from a new player. That is what I think.

If I were MC, and there was your old T who was openly critical like "He shouldn't be calling you"- that is one on one, and he is probably the more seasoned clinician(?). But when you get a triangle f three professionals, it's hard to say what MC might feel about pressure to conform exactly to "boundaries" V his personal inclination to practice with you the way he sees fit. In no way do I mean to suggest they are breaking your boundaries or addressing MC directly, BUT they are three pros in one field seeing one patient.

I post a lot but I frequently feel vulnerable doing so. You're not alone.

Wish me luck. I'm going to try to override my stubborn ego and call t after I get outside of work...

Eta: called and left a message....

I shared too much in T today and now I'm in torment. I think I maybe want my T, too, which is strange and unexpected.

So that was wierd. T called me back and we scheduled for a week from today, then she asked if I was ok or did I need today I was like huh? No I'm good.

Maybe I should not have called... sheesh.

I think it's good you called. Also it seems like she cares so that's good.

Yeah, it's good. Just, weird.

Waiting for my new glasses yay!

and for a brief moment, i shall share the new me lol

well that didn't last long i hate my lazy eye

Not sure I would call it weird. Maybe she didn’t expect you to come back unless there was a crisis.

Eta: lazy eyes are very fixable. Neuroplasticity (psych 101 word) etc.

I only gave T permission to speak with MC a couple days ago (so, after the phone call). I trust that he maintained confidentiality before that because I'd told him I was concerned once I found out he used to work with MC/ex-T. And he said he both had to be confidential for ethical reasons and also because he understood its importance.

Of the three, ex-T is the one with the most experience (over 35 years), followed by MC (25 years) and then T (close to 20 years). But you're right that MC might be thinking that T is evaluating him differently than ex-T would have (of course he didn't know that she was critical of him to me...) There also may be something about the fact that both are male--like, maybe MC feels more threatened or something? Or the fact that they're no longer in the same practice, so he has less of a sense of control (MC at one point was technically T's boss...)? I also wonder if it's that he knows T has stronger boundaries, so there could be the comparison...

And who knows, maybe I've seemed different to MC since I started seeing new T. Or maybe it's the fact that I left someone I'd been seeing for 6 years, so that means I could leave MC, too. And I feel like, in some ways, there's maybe some mutual attachment, dysfunctional though it may be... So now MC might be thinking I could leave him, too. Though he has a funny way of trying to hold on to me, if that's the case... But it could be that it's making him extra defensive...

I don't know, just throwing thoughts out there...See him again Monday, then not for over 2 weeks because he's going away for the holidays, which I think might be a good thing, to have that space...

that is exactly what i was thinking. she might have thought something was going on for you, so offered to see you ASAP.

damn it. if that's true, i should not have called and should have just let it go like part of me wanted to do. i never do anything right.

oh well. it's done now. i'm not going to beat myself up about it.

well double damn.

one more post of self-pity to say i wish i had listened to the part of me that wanted to leave things alone and not called her. insert lots of cuss words that would turn to stars if i typed them here.

ok self pity over NOW i'm not going to worry about it.

Good plan.

And, you know, you can cancel.

i like how you used that psych 101 word haha

but yeah, i talked to the eye dr about that, and she said that they could yes, but that it would probably not be a good idea at this juncture in my life, because i've lived with it and become adjusted to it for 55 years and to change it now would really throw me off. so it's best that i leave it alone...

she said that having trifocals, with distance vision at the top, would help my night vision/driving and she was right. just on the way home from picking them up i already notice the difference. i don't feel dangerous driving at night anymore.

I think termination could be a very painful thing even in the best of circumstances-- doesn't seem so for you, but it could be. Maybe your T was just checking in, making an offer of immediate support in case you were finding it unexpectedly hard? It's one of the Big Things in therapy and I could see where she just wants to offer all possible support at a time like this.

You certainly didn't do anything wrong!