Couch 158: The Newberry Couch!

Scarlet thinking of you and your husband.

LT- hope you get it al figured out. Fwiw.. I think t picked s crappy to call and a crappy time to start sending boundaries. However, it may be time for you and MC to really have a convo about everything lay it all out on the line.

And, letting others define the boundaries -- or not even having much of a say to the point of letting or not letting -- is why a lot of folks end up in therapy in the first place.

More later (out with H and friend right now), but I should clarify that he said the 2 minutes thing, then we proceeded to talk for 20 minutes. It was the initial "we can talk for 2 minutes but I will do all the talking" that pissed me off. He gave me way more time than he'd intended (not the first time...)

I still believe that when the t wants to change the way boundaries've been handled in the past, they should do it in person. Not on the phone.

Just a bit of trivia in the midst of this energizing discussion. Did y'all know that Charlie Daniels is 81? That blew me away watching him on stage last night! Dang!

Because if he responds right away, it generates another contact to clarify something from the previous contact. Thats why i think its mixing ocd oranges and attachment apples. Its about both, its satisfies neither.

Totally agree! But to function in this society, you need to learn about and live with boundaries. They can be a force for good, something you can depend on, like bus schedules. That was my big breakthrough, learning i could depend on the local bus system. To get me to my t appointment! im a slow learner

Am trying to drag myself out of bed, where I've spent most of the last 60 hours contemplating therapists and bad endings, and to the gym. Little encouragement?

You can do it! I bet you'll feel at least a tiny bit better afterward, if that helps at all.

Do it.

My money's still on you to take current T in a cage match.

In preparation, should I entertain you with the latest current T-isms? E.g. She's certain her husband isn't having an affair at work + She'd totally chat me up if we met at a club but unfortunately, she doesn't meet people at clubs + She's super popular among random tennis partners even when she trounces them....etc.

I can entertain you further after my session tonight -- she waxes eloquent especially on Sundays (think it's the shorter schedule).

I made it as far as the dining table. The gym is another mile away.

The bolded part...ummmm...

That’s just current T being unfiltered as usual.

Is the prospect of doing your whole gym routine seeming daunting? Can you consider something shorter, if yes?

It's only an hour of lifting weights. I'll enjoy it once I start.

No, it's just, what's the point? Getting up and going there feels too hard.

I understand. I keep telling myself I need to shower since it's been 3 days now, but I can't muster the energy.

Made it to the gym. Now home, craving a huge bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.

Damn it, if I'd just trusted Russell Wilson, I'd be in the playoffs right now. Stupid Alex Smith... Guess I still have a shot if Dion Lewis really brings it tomorrow. If not, consolation bracket, here I come! (And pretty sure I'm eliminated in the other league...)

LT--Please do not take what I am about to say as in any way defending your mc's hurtful response to your request for a phone call around this emotional issue (and it sounds like he misunderstood that as a request for an actual session to talk about transference?)--but there is a chance this is anniversary of his wife's death, or near to it, and he completely lost it on you and should not have ever called to begin with. That is not your responsibility, and the only reason I bring this up is so that you don't discount or question how he has been with you until now.

Again, I am not defending him in this or in how he's handled your marriage counseling all along. It's just that I know how it goes when a therapist loses it, how devastating it is. Usually, there is no information to go on, so if the therapist is having a personal issue, the client has no idea about that and is left feeling it's all on them. For better or worse, you happen to know something personal about him that might explain (not excuse) his reaction.

I may be totally wrong--either way, none of this is fair to you after having put your heart out there like that--but I wanted to mention it in case it helps you not feel that any kindness he's shown over the years is a lie. I'm just so awfully sorry that you're having to take all that shaming boundary talk.

It's OK to say this...because honestly? I was considering it, too. Not to excuse him, but... I mean, part of why I think the transference came back so strongly was how he'd seemed sad last session when I'd talked about my uncle's memorial. Like, there was this sadness in his eyes...which I connected with, which made me feel compassion and love for him.

But yeah, I was wondering if part of his emotional response to it--which...clearly, the way he was responding, the way he was...breathing, like trying to keep himself under control (it was audible)--I wondered if there was something else going on there. Maybe the anniversary...especially if he thought I was referring to romantic love for him rather than paternal/friend/other love...might have triggered him in some way.

He might not even be aware of it...but it could be there in the background. So I'll try to take that into consideration...and not just assume that after...however many years...he's just stopped caring as much as he once did.

That's the thing that's hard for me to reconcile--that he just seemed SO CARING for a long time. I mean...this might seem kind of screwed up, but I still have the voicemail he left for me from when I'd texted him after I'd been unfaithful to H nearly 2 years ago--which was just so incredibly caring. (And, of course, violates his whole "I shouldn't talk about things you're keeping secret from H" thing--I did tell H a couple days later, and we processed it in session, plus an extra Saturday one.) I almost want to play the voicemail for T, to be like, "See how much he cared about me?" MC was sort of hesistant/stuttering on some of the words (which he doesn't normally do), like, "I...I hope you're doing OK." And where he said he wasn't angry with me (which I'd been afraid of).

I just feel like...MC doesn't necessarily get the extent of the emotional impact he's had on me. If he's trying to rewrite past scripts (as he's said before regarding transference), where male authority figures abandoned me...why is he doing this now? Because it feels like abandonment, even though I'm sure he would deny it....He'd act like it was him being an ethical couples counselor, despite destroying me along the way....

LT—on the caring thing. I am having a similar issue looking back on my relationship with No. 3, who was very caring at a time when I really needed that. But who also made some almighty ****-ups (Smaug, no real termination process, most recently breaking my non-communication request, a bad session she let me leave self-destructive). And who (according to Info, so grain of salt there) still cares very much.

The thing is, just because someone—and this includes therapists—screws up doesn’t mean they don’t care or even stopped caring. You still cared for your husband when you were unfaithful, right? Same thing.

My point is, although I think MC screwed up here and has been screwing up all along, based on your descriptions of him I would never question his caring for you. Just as if I’m thinking calmly about 3, I have no doubt she cared.

Of course, the fact they care also makes the mistakes hurt worse. But just because he appears to be changing boundaries very suddenly doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, and it doesn’t vitiate all the good that went before.

I just watched a Brene Brown CE video - good god I don't understand what those people talk about or how it is supposed to help - what color is shame? what does shame taste like and so on. No wonder I could never get therapy to work the way those people present it.

The moment you walk into T's office.

Scarlet, I'm so very sorry! How is your H doing now? Did you contact your T? I wish him a full recovery. Hugs for you.

I'm sorry, LT. I hope you can work it out tomorrow.

Are you saying that I shouldn't use hurting my therapist as an excuse to not kill myself?