[MessyD]

I've had a pretty crazy week, nothing major but little things make me feel like I'm going to break down and lose it and I have a hard time keeping it together, altough so far I have been successful outside the house. And I finally let myself cry, altough this idea still makes me cringe, but there was so much pressure in my head, I had to find a way to let it go. Now I feel like I'm going to break down any minute and I don't like it. But what I am worried about is that I am going to go in my session in couple days and I'll be cool as usual, looking like I have it all together and even if I mention the way I have been feeling it will still be like with a flat effect, just giving out information without any emotion included. Is there any way to do this the other way around? That I could break down in session but then keep it together all, or most of the week? It's weird, I can be anxious all week, but then I walk in that room, and it goes away.

Sorry if this is weird question, or if it doesn't make sense, I don't know if there are any answers, maybe I just want to vent because I can't stand the way things are anymore.

[annielovesbacon]

I really relate to this. I sometimes have to go several weeks between sessions, and I keep a list of things I want/need to talk to my T about. But then suddenly, the second I step into her office and she asks "So what do you want to focus on today?" I have NO idea what to talk about. Suddenly all the problems I had been keeping note of seem insignificant.
I'm sorry I'm not of much help or have any advice, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this

[Teddy Bear]

Sometimes I tell my T I'm feeling better than I am. I don't know why but I understand.

[LonesomeTonight]

This happens to me as well at times. Like last week, I was weepy at various points on Monday and Tuesday, then saw T Wednesday and didn't shed a tear. And I'm someone who tends to cry in therapy sessions. Granted, I've only been seeing this T a few months, so maybe I'm less comfortable having that much of an emotional release, but I have cried in front of him a few times. And I've cried many times in front of my marriage counselor, but lately, I haven't been crying in there as much either, even when I'm upset about stuff. Not sure what all's going on there...

[DP_2017]

I'm the same, usually I try to bring notes and read them, go from there but many times I just prefer to make things light with a joke or whatever and not dig deep enough into things, so this happens. over and over again

I think it's like a safe Space.

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

This happens to me as well at times. Like last week, I was weepy at various points on Monday and Tuesday, then saw T Wednesday and didn't shed a tear. And I'm someone who tends to cry in therapy sessions. Granted, I've only been seeing this T a few months, so maybe I'm less comfortable having that much of an emotional release, but I have cried in front of him a few times. And I've cried many times in front of my marriage counselor, but lately, I haven't been crying in there as much either, even when I'm upset about stuff. Not sure what all's going on there...

See, I couldn't even do that when I was by myself. And now I did and since then I feel like weeping all the time and I worry it will happen at the worst time in the worst place. That's why I much rather release it in session which would be the best place. But I know I won't. But maybe I can tell him all that at least. Luckily he reads me pretty well, and he knows I tend to minimize things and smile instead of crying.

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I'm the same, usually I try to bring notes and read them, go from there but many times I just prefer to make things light with a joke or whatever and not dig deep enough into things, so this happens. over and over again

Yep, that's me, smiling and making a joke and keeping it light. Altough he knows that but I kind of want him to know how messy it gets sometimes. Maybe I'll try to read notes this time too.

[Fernwehxx]

I have that a lot. I believe part of it is that I am very controlled in front of others, and im scared to let go. That means I can be all emotional and have my head full of topics I want to talk about, and then I walk into her office and suddenly feel like, hell, what am I gonna talk about now. Sometimes I even want to talk about sth but dont know how to.

For,next session, I am writing stuff down. Ive done that before,and it has helped tremendously. That way, my brain can't just suddenly fake that all is fine and theres nothing but blank space in it.

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by Fernwehxx

I have that a lot. I believe part of it is that I am very controlled in front of others, and im scared to let go. That means I can be all emotional and have my head full of topics I want to talk about, and then I walk into her office and suddenly feel like, hell, what am I gonna talk about now. Sometimes I even want to talk about sth but dont know how to.

For,next session, I am writing stuff down. Ive done that before,and it has helped tremendously. That way, my brain can't just suddenly fake that all is fine and theres nothing but blank space in it.

Thank you, I think it’s the same for me too, I don’t show a lot of emotions in front of others and I’m terrified to let go.. I do write things down sometimes but don’t always bring myself to read it. I am going to try this time to mention all this.

[Fernwehxx]

I never read it to her. I hand it to her and have her read it quietly. And while shes reading, my emotions go nuts.
I have a huge problem talking about emotions, but I need her to know.., im glad she has accepted this and knows how to work with it.
Today, I wrote her a very personal letter. Im scared as hell, but I will give it to her next time.

[chihirochild]

I don't have anything useful to say except that this happens to me too and I hate it :/

I think for me it has something to do with the fact that experiencing sadness in front of other people makes me feel insanely vulnerable... and maybe also something to do with the fact that I have this fantasy that my t comforting me in a moment of crisis would somehow magically fix me, so the stakes of the situation feel really overblown.

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by Fernwehxx

I never read it to her. I hand it to her and have her read it quietly. And while shes reading, my emotions go nuts.
I have a huge problem talking about emotions, but I need her to know.., im glad she has accepted this and knows how to work with it.
Today, I wrote her a very personal letter. Im scared as hell, but I will give it to her next time.

I get that too. Most of the stuff I wanted him to know I couldn't read myself, I just handed it to him. It does involve lot of sweating on my part while he is reading.

I am exactly the same. And its hard because you need just as much support as the ones bawling their eyes out.

[TrailRunner14]

Me too.

I actually posted something on another thread about this.

There are tears under the surface while I am driving there.

When I get there I’m not sure what happens but the tears are gone.

And if the tears start after you leave, you wanna run back and go LOOK!

I also think T's can be like a mirror, and if they seem so 'all together' and 'composed', we can naturally reflect that back. I know thats part of what happens with me.

[winterblues17]

OP, I relate completely. I couldn't have wrote it better myself!

[MessyD]

Thanks, I'm glad I'm not alone. But it drives me crazy that I can't explain to him how it really is. And I don't know why I'm upset now. And I told him I wasn't. Aaaaagh!!

[MrsDuckL]

Originally Posted by estellanomore

And if the tears start after you leave, you wanna run back and go LOOK!

THIS. Omg, this! So, so relate to the crying before/ after a session, and to the original post. It’s such a challenge. My therapist would probably *love* to hear about all the imaginary conversations we have in my head where I am far more emotional.

I also have an incredibly hard time crying in front of others. And I think it’s one of the sad limits of therapy, we have to condense everything down into an hour a week or whatever. So I find myself with just the limits alone being more in summary mode.

I don’t have a lot of great advice here. I have found making extensive notes after each session in an effort to pick back up the following week has helped. And I have found with time I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with my therapist and much more at ease. Still, I’m making it a major milestone for myself to actually have the need to use his tissue box one day...

[captgut]

I don't have much to say, but I can totally relate.
I cry all the time, I feel awful

Possible trigger:

and really suicidal

, but I feel soooo comfortable with T...
I don't think he would be suprised if he could hear all these imaginary converasations though. He's great, I'm sure he understands how do I really feel, even though I look "normal" when seeing him

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by MrsDuckL

THIS. Omg, this! So, so relate to the crying before/ after a session, and to the original post. It’s such a challenge. My therapist would probably *love* to hear about all the imaginary conversations we have in my head where I am far more emotional.

I also have an incredibly hard time crying in front of others. And I think it’s one of the sad limits of therapy, we have to condense everything down into an hour a week or whatever. So I find myself with just the limits alone being more in summary mode.

I don’t have a lot of great advice here. I have found making extensive notes after each session in an effort to pick back up the following week has helped. And I have found with time I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with my therapist and much more at ease. Still, I’m making it a major milestone for myself to actually have the need to use his tissue box one day...

Thanks for your post! I have a hard time getting emotional by myself, and I hate it in front of others. You're right about that one hour. Like today I felt that way for a minute but I knew it was close to the end so I just switched to a smile instead. That tissue box does sound like a milestone, will probably never get there.

Well now that I actually cried by myself (after long time), I worry I'm going to start weeping everywhere. But he said since I don't let myself cry in his office, then I will probably keep it together every where else. I'm not sure how I feel about that, I don't think he understood.

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by captgut

I don't have much to say, but I can totally relate.
I cry all the time, I feel awful

Possible trigger:

and really suicidal

, but I feel soooo comfortable with T...
I don't think he would be suprised if he could hear all these imaginary converasations though. He's great, I'm sure he understands how do I really feel, even though I look "normal" when seeing him

I'm sorry you feel that way, I really hope you stay safe. maybe I don't feel as comfortable as I thought I did. Now I just want to be mad at him wth, I don't even have a reason, it all just seems pointless right now. Pls stay safe and you call always pm if you like

[rainbow8]

I sometimes visualize how I want a session to be, and in my mind I'm very animated in expressing my feelings. I just did this yesterday. I enacted an entire scene with me saying emphatically to T "I don't love YOU! You're nothing to me. It's my mother I love! I miss her! "She's the only one who really loved me!" I'm in a rage, crying in emotional and physical pain ( I was in physical pain when I was visualizing this scenario) and T had tears in her eyes, saying "let it out". I've never cried in therapy.

Suffice it to say, when I see T that scene will never occur. The most that will happen is that I TELL her about it with no emotion and no tears. Kind of matter of factly. I can see the dramatic scene in my mind right now, but when I get to the office it disappears.

[PinkyDoo]

OMG! I am the same way! I have dropped in to the pits of despair, an emotional wreck, and by the time I see T, I'm fine again. I tell her what my time has been like and I'm totally flat and matter-of-fact like rainbow8 said. There's no emotion. I went once, and I wanted to tell her about my fabulous weekend. Instead, I drew a blank.

I have been journaling and I figured I could make a list of things to tell her. I just never do. Why? It's always the same thing, different day. The last time she asked how things were, that's exactly what I said! Same thing, different day.