[TrailRunner14]

How do you do this?

With him, anything that I share with him, it’s much worse for him in some way. In every way.

I feel stupid and he usually validates that with some kind of angry eruption.

There is no validation for my feelings and it usually erupts into a Jeckle/ Hyde switch that sends me away.

My feelings are coming alive and it’s hard to numb them anymore.

I really don’t know what to do with how I feel right now.

I want to run away.

There’s nowhere to go.

There really is a way out. I don’t want to say that there is no way out.

I’ve always stayed for my boys and for the promise I made when we were married. It doesn’t seem to matter to him these days.

It just feels like I’m by myself and alone in this.

I’m rambling.

I’m just so tired of feeling used and erupted on.

It hurts me.

I can’t imagine a different outlook.

I want to but I feel trapped.

I don’t belong here.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Oh, TR.

I understand. It’s a dissonant way to live, tying your self into knots to keep peace.

You’re right, you don’t belong anywhere you’re expected to walk on eggshells. I hope you’re safe. You deserve to be safe for yourself and your boys.

[Amyjay]

There is a different life to live than this one. There are different options in which you can live in peace and calmness and emotional safety. It is okay to choose to not be abused anymore. It is okay to expect to be treated with respect from other people, and if other people are not willing to be respectful to you it is okay to choose not to be around them. It is okay to stick up for your own rights. Some people had at least one parent who did that for them. I expect you did that for your own children. It is okay to choose to be that person for yourself, to be the one person who will stick up for you and say "No, this isn't okay and needs to stop." If it doesn't stop, it is okay to be that one person who will stick up for you and say "I am not going to allow this to happen anymore."
I suspect you never had anyone do that for you before. I hope one day you can have freedom and safety from abuse. I hope one day you can be that person who will stick up for you, for you.
There is a different life out there. It doesn't have to be this for always. There are so many different lives you could live.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Forgot to answer the question, how to do this. I wish I knew. The not-husband is why I am in therapy. With the t, I worked on boundary-setting in therapy some, but the problem wasn’t really setting the boundaries it was what happened when I tried to set them.

Because my circumstances are somewhat different, and the not-husband stabilized, home has gotten more stable. But it’s hard. Every day it’s hard. Trying to find balance between processing trauma and creating a stable home environment is hard. There’s not a lot of space to process and no one at home for support. Therapy mostly helps, because I get to step out of caring for everyone else and unbuckle the armor and spill my guts on the floor for a little while

I cry in the shower where no one will hear, and I try to let myself be as angry as I need to be when I am alone. I write in my journal. I try to do lots of self care: Walks alone, regular massage, eat/sleep/exercise balance, time with friends. That helps me stay more balanced.

[MessyD]

I can relate to some of this (to a lesser extend) and know it's painful and feels hopeless sometimes. I don't have much advice, I know things I could or should do but then I'm mostly just frozen. I usually just try to tell myself that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel even if Can't see it. Sorry you feel trapped. It's s horrible feeling.

[TrailRunner14]

It’s so hard.

There are tears.

Thank you for hearing me.

I want to be strong I’m just so tired of trying to be strong

That sounds whimpy but it’s who I am right now.

Thank you!

[Out There]

This is so familiar - there is a way out but it takes courage , so often we have been treated like this our whole lives.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by MessyD

I can relate to some of this (to a lesser extend) and know it's painful and feels hopeless sometimes. I don't have much advice, I know things I could or should do but then I'm mostly just frozen. I usually just try to tell myself that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel even if Can't see it. Sorry you feel trapped. It's s horrible feeling.

Thank you.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Out There

This is so familiar - there is a way out but it takes courage , so often we have been treated like this our whole lives.

Thank you.

That is truth.

Tears.

[TrailRunner14]

My boys are older and have encouraged me to make a choice.

I don’t know what that feels like.

Does that make any sense?

I can’t imagine making a choice

Does that melt sense?

[TrailRunner14]

I’ve never had a choice.

I’ve never had an option.

I can’t imagine that.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Yes. It absolutely makes sense.

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

My boys are older and have encouraged me to make a choice.

I don’t know what that feels like.

Does that make any sense?

I can’t imagine making a choice

Does that melt sense?

Yes, it makes sense, and yes I can imagine but it can be terrifying.

[MessyD]

I have been told that by not making choice I'm making a choice. And that I have to feel the pain to be able to move forward. Myself I've never been with a true narcissist but I understand that's how you end up feeling. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you can find a way out.

[Amyjay]

I read about choice making or changing habits or something like that... there are many levels that prepare us for making change before we actually even seriously consider making a change. The first level is not even being aware that a choice or a change is possible. The second level is becoming aware of the choice but not being able to consider it as an option. The third level is like considering it may be an option, but it still feels impossible to make. The fourth level is considering that it might be possible. The levels after that are something like trying to think of ways to make it happen, then trying to make it happen but not yet succeeding, then it continues on to making the plan, going through with it and succeeding.
Progress along that path to change can be made at any time. Its a continuum. There is always hope, always a way out.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you.

It has taken a while to figure it out and it hurts.

Thank you for for your kindness and your feeling.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I read about choice making or changing habits or something like that... there are many levels that prepare us for making change before we actually even seriously consider making a change. The first level is not even being aware that a choice or a change is possible. The second level is becoming aware of the choice but not being able to consider it as an option. The third level is like considering it may be an option, but it still feels impossible to make. The fourth level is considering that it might be possible. The levels after that are something like trying to think of ways to make it happen, then trying to make it happen but not yet succeeding, then it continues on to making the plan, going through with it and succeeding.

Progress along that path to change can be made at any time. Its a continuum. There is always hope, always a way out.

Thank you! Those are words of encouragement

[Out There]

It's like two conflicting voices in your head - the voice of other people that says " You don't have a choice - this is all you deserve " and your own voice , however small and quiet , saying " I do have a choice - I deserve better ". Focussing on that inner voice allows it to grow louder and more confident. But that's terrifying I know.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I’ve never had a choice.

I’ve never had an option.

I can’t imagine that.

But you have already made choices, whether you realize it or not.

You weighed the options and chose to stay for your sons.

Now that they are older you can revisit that choice.

Perhaps it is making a choice where your benefit is the only determining factor that feels so foreign.

But you can do it.

TR,

You don't deserve to be treated so badly by your H. What he said in your In Session post is so incredibly, incredibly terrible.

[ruh roh]

I pm'd you.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

TR,

You don't deserve to be treated so badly by your H. What he said in your In Session post is so incredibly, incredibly terrible.

Thank you for hearing me.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

How do you do this?

With him, anything that I share with him, it’s much worse for him in some way. In every way.

I feel stupid and he usually validates that with some kind of angry eruption.

There is no validation for my feelings and it usually erupts into a Jeckle/ Hyde switch that sends me away.

My husband was like this too. When I told him that remembering his verbal abuse was giving me panic attacks, his response was that he has panic attacks all the time. When I told him I was depressed, his response was that he had been depressed for years.

It didn't matter what I was feeling, or that he was causing me pain. It was irrelevant.

If I called his behavior abuse, he would explode on me. Then turn it around and say that I was the one being abusive to him. I believed him. I started to question everything I had ever done.

My feelings are coming alive and it’s hard to numb them anymore.

I really don’t know what to do with how I feel right now.

I want to run away.

There’s nowhere to go.

For me, that feeling was anger. At first, I wasn't even sure why I was angry. With time and therapy, I came to realize I was angry because he'd been abusing me for years.

You can only numb your feelings for so long. Eventually you will have to feel them. It's not pleasant.

Your instinct to run away is a good one. Try to listen to it.

There really is a way out. I don’t want to say that there is no way out.

I’ve always stayed for my boys and for the promise I made when we were married. It doesn’t seem to matter to him these days.

It just feels like I’m by myself and alone in this.

I had reasons for staying too. I'm sure to the outside world they seemed stupid, but they were my reasons. Whatever your reasons are, they are valid. The very few people I tried to open up to, made me feel so ridiculous and small and completely alone because of what he was doing to me and that I was still with him. If anyone in your life has done the same thing, I'm so sorry. It's bad enough having to deal with your abuser, but when outsiders pile on too, it's terrible. I hope you have some outside support.

And remember, he made promises when you got married too. Is he keeping his promises?

I’m rambling.

I’m just so tired of feeling used and erupted on.

It hurts me.

I can’t imagine a different outlook.

I want to but I feel trapped.

I don’t belong here.

I never got around to leaving. He ended up doing something that got him arrested and so he's gone now. If you want out, but feel trapped, build up your support network. I found a support group for DV survivors. They've been there so they don't judge. That's important. It helps to be able to talk about the abuse in a non-judgmental environment. They and my therapist finally talked me into going to a DV agency and making a safety plan once things started escalating rapidly. I did that the week before he got arrested. I'd like to think that I would have been able to actually extricate myself from the marriage, but I honestly don't know.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

My husband was like this too. When I told him that remembering his verbal abuse was giving me panic attacks, his response was that he has panic attacks all the time. When I told him I was depressed, his response was that he had been depressed for years.


It didn't matter what I was feeling, or that he was causing me pain. It was irrelevant.


If I called his behavior abuse, he would explode on me. Then turn it around and say that I was the one being abusive to him. I believed him. I started to question everything I had ever done.





For me, that feeling was anger. At first, I wasn't even sure why I was angry. With time and therapy, I came to realize I was angry because he'd been abusing me for years.


You can only numb your feelings for so long. Eventually you will have to feel them. It's not pleasant.


Your instinct to run away is a good one. Try to listen to it.





I had reasons for staying too. I'm sure to the outside world they seemed stupid, but they were my reasons. Whatever your reasons are, they are valid. The very few people I tried to open up to, made me feel so ridiculous and small and completely alone because of what he was doing to me and that I was still with him. If anyone in your life has done the same thing, I'm so sorry. It's bad enough having to deal with your abuser, but when outsiders pile on too, it's terrible. I hope you have some outside support.


And remember, he made promises when you got married too. Is he keeping his promises?





I never got around to leaving. He ended up doing something that got him arrested and so he's gone now. If you want out, but feel trapped, build up your support network. I found a support group for DV survivors. They've been there so they don't judge. That's important. It helps to be able to talk about the abuse in a non-judgmental environment. They and my therapist finally talked me into going to a DV agency and making a safety plan once things started escalating rapidly. I did that the week before he got arrested. I'd like to think that I would have been able to actually extricate myself from the marriage, but I honestly don't know.


Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

Thank you! Your words and understanding are very encouraging!

They ring true for me.

[TrailRunner14]

Ya know.

There is a part of me that wishes he would get tired of me and go away.

That’s not going to happen with a narcissist and the way that his brain works.

I don’t think so?

I don’t feel like I have the “bigness” to make that happen for me right now.