Today was a rough session.

I started out in "angry mode." I was terrible. I said, "I broke the contract" and then folded my arms and refused to talk about anything. I mean, I would mention a little something here and there, and then he would say, "Ok... now can you tell me......?" And I would just flat-out say, "No."

Then I started to soften just a little bit and I said, "I want to let you in, but I don't know how." He's like, "Let me in where?" Um, into the refridgerator, jackass--- geez, where do you think?

Then he said, "How about you just pull out one thing you want to tell me? You can keep all the rest of your stuff safe, but just let one thing out."

So I said-- you know that kid with the colored pencils? I don't like that kid very much.

I talked about how I wanted to get that type of caring at attention from him-- the kind you would give a little kid. He asked if I felt like he betrayed me as a little girl.... I said yes, it did feel like that.

And then he says something about the bond with a child and how it should never be broken no matter what.... and as he is saying this, he hands me the pillow to hold... he does this when I feel small and we call it my "stuffed animal"..... and it was all so beautiful and overwhelming and then I start to cry (still stuck to the no-tissue rule).

I was totally in little kid mode. He asked me to tell him exactly what I wanted... He said, "take a chance-- I promise I will still be here. I am not going anywhere."

I closed my eyes and told him, "I want you hold me. I want you to hold me in a way that makes me feel like everything is going to be okay... even if it's not, it doesn't matter because for that moment, it would feel like it would be... I want you to hold me so that I can feel as though nothing could ever hurt me."

Then I died.

No wait, I didn't... I'm still here.

He said to me, "Can you imagine right now how that would feel?"

No dumbass, that's why I want you to do it.

I didn't say that though. I tried to imagine it and felt safe for a little bit but then it was so painful because there I was telling him exactly what I wanted-- and I can't have it.

So then after crazy-rage-woman and little kid made their appearances, I sort of came back to myself. I talked about a dream that I had that represented all of the differentiated parts of my personality. Then he said something that really touched me.

He said that it's important in therapy for me to experience the other "compartments" of my personality-- and to be able to be in those roles in session... then he said, "but sometimes I want to talk to the poet. I want to talk to you her about her reading and her workshops.... And then I want to ask her things about school."

I said, "You are interested in those things?"

He said, "Why wouldn't I be?" I said-- I just never realized you would be interested in the part that is just.... me.

I really loved that.

We talked for a few minutes about my poetry reading and then time was up.

I am seriously in a million pieces. I am not even close to fully processing what went on in that session. There are times in which I feel so lost within myself that I don't know if I am even connecting with him. I'm not sure if I'm acknowledging that he is experiencing these things along with me, of I'm just so lost within experiencing them myself.

I don't even know what do make out of the session today.

[Goldi]

It sounds like you and your T both learned some things about each other today. I'm really proud of you for telling him about the pencils and the hug!!! What courage!! It does seem like a lot to process right now. I also think it's really great you know you can share your current/poet self. We are all made of so many pieces, good, bad, old, new.....it's nice to know you can put all of those out there with your T if you need/want to.

[lauren_helene]

Pink, you did it! You told him what you want from him...I'm with ya though, I'd be like 'excuse me did you hear me? I want you to hold me'...

That must have been tough but I'm so glad you did it. I know you are still processing and so am I so I'll think more on this tomorrow

[Mouse_]

That is so cool you asked about the holding! YGG!

that sounds like a really great (though emotionally draining) session. i think that it is really great that you told him about how you didn't like the kid with the colored pencils. and... i really liked his response, too.

> He asked if I felt like he betrayed me as a little girl.... I said yes, it did feel like that.

you know... i never thought of that. but yeah, sometimes i think i'm mad with my t because he wasn't there when i was a kid and i needed someone. its like... no matter what he does now it doesn't fix that he didn't save me back then.

> I tried to imagine it and felt safe for a little bit but then it was so painful because there I was telling him exactly what I wanted-- and I can't have it.

yeah. is it nice... that he kind of gave you permission to imagine that, though?

> He said that it's important in therapy for me to experience the other "compartments" of my personality-- and to be able to be in those roles in session... then he said, "but sometimes I want to talk to the poet. I want to talk to you her about her reading and her workshops.... And then I want to ask her things about school."

I said, "You are interested in those things?"

He said, "Why wouldn't I be?" I said-- I just never realized you would be interested in the part that is just.... me.

thats great too. something that i've been struggling with, in fact. that t didn't seem to want / like me. the me that is trying to write my thesis and the me that posts on message boards. last session went better... its important that they like the healthy parts of us too, huh. sounds like a great session. i'm really proud of you for telling him some really hard stuff.

[MissCharlotte]

Pink,

Thanks so much for sharing this session. It sounds like the work was challenging and healing. The level of intimacy....oh so close.

Congratulations.

[Perna]

I know the mosaic you make from these pieces will be awesome!

I'm sorta flipping out right now because I left my cell phone in my bag and on silent this morning... and when I went to take it out of my bag, it said there was a call from "withheld" at 9:20.

The only times I have ever gotten a "withheld" call were times when T has called me from home.

Did T call?

Sometimes he doesn't leave me a voice msg, he just calls back.

I'm sitting here like an idiot with my phone right next to me.

It probably wasn't him. But still....

Since I got my new phone, there have been 9 calls from "withheld" and every single one was from him. So I can't help but think....

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alexandra_k said:
yeah. is it nice... that he kind of gave you permission to imagine that, though?

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I never thought of it like that. Yeah, it was kinda nice. Would have been nicer if he threw his arms around me. But this was nice, too.

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its important that they like the healthy parts of us too, huh. sounds like a great session. i'm really proud of you for telling him some really hard stuff.

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Hey, thanks... and yea, that is important. Sometimes in the face of all the pathological stuff, the healthy part seems unimportant and forgotten. The healthy part is influenced by my moods, intensity, extremes, humor, sarcasm, etc.... and it is, in essence, the core of me. And T wants to talk to that part. It makes it seem much more equal when we can operate on that level, not so much powerful therapist and patient.

[MissCharlotte]

How would it feel to call him and leave a message that you received a restricted call and you were wondering if it was him?

Which part would feel okay about doing that & which part would hate it?

Ok I was just in the hoagie place 10 min ago w/ my husband and we were picking up food-- and my phone rings and it says "private number" (another thing that comes up when T has called)-- and I picked up the phone but no one was there, the reception was messed up... no call back yet.

Is T prank calling me? j/k

I wish it was him.

I doubt it was him.

Sister, I think all parts would hate to call, lol

I could just see it now...

Me: Hi T. I received a restricted call and I was wondering if it was you calling?
T: No.
Me: :::hides under bed forever:::

[MissCharlotte]

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Me: :::hides under bed forever:::

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LMAO

Yeah, so would I.

Can you give him a call and think of something to ask/say to him? If he has been trying to reach you he would then tell you that. Just a thought. T's are famous for witholding, no? Oh, the irony.

[ECHOES]

Since these unknown calls are making you wanti to touch base with him, why not just call and say you feel a need to touch base with him?

Use your cell. Call from under the bed. Just in case

[Perna]

I love that, Perna. It's so true.

I can totally feel an in-between-session call brewing... but I am very funny about that and I usually force myself to wait until Tuesday (late at night) or Wednesday to call him. Grrrrr. I sort of want to tell him some wonderful things that have happened with my husband since yesterday in regards to our communication.... I want to tell him how I feel so fragmented from our session.... I want to ask him if we are connected because I'm just not seeing it... I think we are but I'm so lost within myself in the sessions lately... I want to tell him how I still feel so depressed and how I'm scared....

[Gracey]

Pink. . .

CALL

HIM

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
He said that it's important in therapy for me to experience the other "compartments" of my personality-- and to be able to be in those roles in session... then he said, "but sometimes I want to talk to the poet. I want to talk to you her about her reading and her workshops.... And then I want to ask her things about school."

I said, "You are interested in those things?"

He said, "Why wouldn't I be?" I said-- I just never realized you would be interested in the part that is just.... me.

I really loved that.

We talked for a few minutes about my poetry reading and then time was up.

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I really liked that, pinksoil. I have felt a bit the same lately. A couple of sessions ago, I told my T about this course I was taking at the university and we talked a long time about it. He was really interested. He said as I left that next time he wanted to hear more about the course. I realized that usually when I see him, I am talking about crises and problems and feelings, etc. But never just normal stuff that shows I have some positive and functioning parts to my life too. And he wants to know those parts too. I guess I thought if you went to see a therapist, you had to talk just about your problems. But it can be therapeutic to talk about your successes too.

Pink, since you are uncertain about calling your T to see if he was the one who called, how about just sending him a brief text message?

[Perna]

It was probably him that called you twice but since you didn't call him back he's feeling shy and afraid to call you a third time, LOL. Does he have a phone under his bed?

LOL Perna.

Actually....

I got the withheld call again this morning.

It was Ikea. Yup. Forgot to pay my bill.

I AM SUCH AN IDIOT. But every time I have ever gotten a withheld call before, it was T.

Does T work at the Ikea bill collecting agency?
Does he disguise his voice as a woman?

%#@&#! %#@&#! %#@&#! %#@&#! %#@&#! %#@&#! %#@&#!

[Gracey]

Girl. . .you are HARDHEADED. LOL

CALL THE MAN

Maybe it was him trying to prank call you as you guessed before? As an IKEA representative -- he's very creative, lol. Maybe T's are more like us than we think -- maybe he did this because he just wants to hear your voice. (tee hee)
Take care

Intense session. Then again, I wish I could have a session like it. I wish I could cry. I wish I could ask her to be held...

You should call him! Think of anything to say to him or talk about just so you can feel the connection again.

[krazibean]

why is it that most T's call you under "withheld" from their house number, but some are fine with giving cell numbers out?

[sunrise]

Maybe many of them use their cell phone for business purposes, but keep their home phone private as it belongs to their personal life.

LOL, pink, about Ikea!