[alpacalicious]

Hi I'm back again! I've been through a difficult period of my life and also ended therapy. Remember I talked about that therapist I liked? Well he didnt help me at all, he started acting in a strange way, he said things like I was crazy, and during therapy I always felt bad and dissociated. He only gave me labels and that's it, without giving me time to open up. Last session (so nearly 1 month ago now) he said "do you want to sign this therapeutic contract?" and I was like hell no, I won't sign it and I wont give you the money because you didn't treat me right! Also he never explained things like therapy goals and I was too shy to ask. So he became angry or frustrated and said to me "ok leave now" and I stood there unable to move because I wanted explanations and also because I was in "love" with him. He said "I'll give you X seconds or I'll call the police or a psych hospital". Then he grabbed me by the wrist and made me go away. I stood there on his door and he said to me I'll call the police if you don't go away. And after a while I went away and I had panick attacks.
Then during one night (after that episode with that therapist) I was panicky and had weird thoughts like "my flatmates want to hurt me" and I was almost psychotic I think. I ran away and went near my university area, it was night and I was afraid of being killed. After a while the police and an ambulance approached me, I don't know maybe my flatmates were searching for me because they heard me leaving the house, and they saw I was in that state. I didnt want to go to the hospital because I was still afraid of people hurting me, I don't know if I was dissociated. After a lot of time I agreed to go with them to the hospital, and they asked me questions and wanted me to take a med for anxiety but I refused it. I also explained with honesty that I was afraid of others hurting me, and I probably said weird things like I was hearing voices, so they decided to hospitalize me and they forced me to do it because I didn't want it (in my country i'ts called like "mandatory hospitalization" I dont know the right term).
So I went to this psych hospital but they gave me too many meds and their effects were awful. I asked to be transferred to another hospital near my home and away from that city (I was there because of my university). I got transferred and they lowered my meds and I was lucky because I found gentle people. My roomate, the other patients my age, nurses and doctors were all gentle towards me. For example with one nurse I talked about buddhism and philosophy one time! He was really nice!
After 1 week they decided to discard me and gave me a psych (near where I live). The diagnosis was psychotic episode but now everything is passed and I don't have intrusive thoughts anymore and my previous fears too have passed.
I went to my psych and he was nice too, and we decided together to suspend my meds because they were awful. When I left the hospital I went cold turkey with them and I told the truth to this psych. We decided to do more visits so he could "monitor" me because he said "it's no good to suspend the meds so abruptly". But I think I feel better without meds. During the 2n visit he said that he sees me better, he didnt prescribe me meds and I too feel better and didn't experience a strong withrawal. I also told him that I suspect of having a personality disorder, and that I want a diagnosis.
He said why do you want a diagnosis so badly, it's a label, a diagnosis is for us to know how to treat you! But I want it so I know whats wrong with me.
Anyway I'll see the new therapist (public service) in 1 week and I hope she'll be nice to me and will help me!
But now I dont feel good, I have daily mood swings (but they are manageable I always had them), self harming behaviour (this came back too because I used to self harm in the past), I'm dealing with self hatred, feelings of emptiness and boredom that came back strongly. I hate myself and also it's like I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want to do with my future, I feel like I lack qualities. I feel like I'm only a burden to my psych and new therapist, I'm wasting their time and I feel shame because I was psychotic and feel really ashamed of myself!
I think the emptiness and boredom are here because now I'm not going to my uni lessons and I dont see many people so it's like the routine is killing me even tho I try to stay active (I read, I cook, I go out, I see family members or my few friends etc).
I realized the previous therapist did nothing to help me, I had a strong transference but that's it. I thought about him everyday, it was an obsession to the point i couldnt study or focus on things.
The only good thing is that my social anxiety seems gone, like I'm less afraid of being judged and of talking with people. But I'm always afraid other people wont like me and thus leave me.

[Anne2.0]

I am so sorry that you had such a first bad therapist and experience with involuntary hospitalization. I am glad you found gentle people and a better fit for help you . I hope your new therapy goes well and if you need and want them, they find meds that can work better for you. Mood swings and other symptoms are not your fault and I don't think that you are a burden to the people that want to help you feel better.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Thank you for the update. It’s nice to see you here again. I’m glad you’re staying active and staying connected to family and friends. I hope your new therapist is much more helpful than the previous one.

Is this the one who you felt a 'soul connection with'?

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Hopefully the next one won't trigger such strong transferences that can lead to spinning out of control.

Glad you saw what he was about sooner than later.

[mostlylurking]

I'm so sorry to hear about all this, alpaca! It sounds like your T became very antagonistic and rough with you at the end, it must have been really upsetting. Here is the person you're supposed to feel safe with, and he becomes almost combative and grabs your wrist and threatens the police? That is truly awful.

I wouldn't focus too much on this word, psychosis. You had a bad thing happen, where someone you should have been able to trust was quite hostile to you. This could have triggered memories from childhood where someone you should have been able to trust became aggressive. That could be re-traumatizing and cause some fairly extreme reactions, I could understand that. Especially given the strong transference you felt for your old T.

I really like an American psychiatrist and researcher named Colin Ross. He runs a couple of inpatient trauma-focused programs, and has collected quite a lot of data over the years. His data show that regardless of the diagnosis -- no matter how we label it -- people's symptoms improve when their trauma is addressed. This includes even things which people think of as genetic, such as schizophrenia (which has a strong correlation with abuse in childhood).

My point is that whatever words are used to describe your situation, and regardless of this term "psychotic episode," if you can continue to find gentle people to help you through processing the trauma in your childhood, I think you can find a great deal of relief from your suffering over time.

I'm glad that you've seen what various care providers are like, so that hopefully it can help you find those gentler people to help you in the future. I now wonder if perhaps some of your anxiety was coming from having a T who didn't match your needs, and it was not just from your own social anxiety; maybe he was not a good T for you is all. Really glad to see you here and again and hear your update, I hope you go back to posting regularly.

[fille_folle]

I'd be careful pushing for a personality disorder diagnosis. In the US, at least, there's a lot of stigma associated with them.

[alpacalicious]

Originally Posted by fille_folle

I'd be careful pushing for a personality disorder diagnosis. In the US, at least, there's a lot of stigma associated with them.

Yes my psych seemed relutant to this too. He asked me why do I want to label myself so badly? I think that I'm seeing this diagnosis as part of my personality, it's like all the symptoms describe my personality and without them I'm nothing. But even where I live there is a lot of stigma associated to personality disorders.
Thanks for the replies! I'm trying to forget that therapist but it's difficult because my transference was really strong, it was an obsession. I think he's the one in fault there, like he's the therapist so he needed to be more open and honest with me instead of giving me labels.
He said that I never asked questions but it's hard for me to ask questions because I always think "maybe this question is stupid". What happened was not my fault but only a reaction to his behaviours. I remember in the hospital I sent him a message because I still was confused and desperate and he replied with "I'll hear you when you are dismissed". But now I've decided to walk away and never contact him anymore. Because he treated me badly. That evening, instead of saying "ill call the police" he should have waited and listened to me and my reasons. A good therapist doesnt abuse a client! Maybe he could say "this client doesnt want to pay me, why? Maybe I should listen to them and we can find a middle ground". Instead he reacted so negatively. This is a red flag and not a sign of a good therapy. I don't know if I'll pay him (we have this debt now) in the future, what's your opinion? I want to be better than this, I don't want to search for revenge, not paying is like a sign of revenge against him. But I don't want to see or write to him anymore. A part of me wants to pay him so I can see him anymore because of the transference thing, but I think it's no good for me (to see him). Not now!
Also there are a lot of red flags here and I can't continue the therapy with him because of this. I'm better than this, I have a dignity and I'm lucky that he doesn't live near my area but in another city far away. I only want to forget him. At this point I prefer to obsess over my psych or future therapist than over him! And I'm lucky that my psych seems gentle or at least not abusive at all (this is also because we are in the public service and it's more "controlled" than the private practice where a therapist could do what he wants).

[kecanoe]

I admire you for walking away from the old T. He sounds like he could really hurt you. I would not want to risk seeing a T who had threatened to call the police like that. I know Ts do that when they are afraid that a client might hurt themselves, but in this instance it sounds like T was just trying to get rid of you.

I think it makes sense to not pay the bill just yet. Maybe in the future, but if it keeps you away from this ineffective and mean T, that might be a good thing.

[alpacalicious]

Yes I'm sure he wanted to get rid of me I don't know why. I can't really figure out his motives and I really want because...well I'm curious. I think he was a bad therapist that's it. Not able to do his work. And I get still angry about this. I'm trying to get over this. Thankfully I have a new therapist so I can obsess over them. Better than obsessing over him. I need to detach from him a bit and maybe in the future (like months from now) when I'm completely detached, I'll pay him. Because I want to be better than that. I don't want to have this debt.

[alpacalicious]

The fact is that to pay him I need to see him and go to his ****in house and I can't do this now because I'm afraid I'll start getting obsessed. Now I'm taking a break from university and thank god that he lives really far away, in the same city of my university. I'll return to my university only in september. So I have a loot of time to detach! I'm trying to keep myself busy and to enjoy life (like seeing a guy, seeing friends, doing stuff)