Couch 161: The Hexagonal Pyramidal Couch

You need a break! I hope it's not infected again.

Oh no, Elio. I agree with NP that you need a break. Crossing my fingers and toes that you start healing quickly.

Hugs, Elio--I hope you don't have another infection.

I totally suck as a parent. D had a somewhat unexpected snow day today (after also being off Monday for a holiday), and I had a bunch to get done (freelance work deadline, plus something for a nonprofit board I'm on), so H worked from home but he got slammed by work. And I barely got my stuff done. D has been a bit of a mess all day, at one point she was upset because she couldn't find a particular ball and hit me, so I snapped at her. Then later I yelled at her because she was putting some paint in her mouth and H told me not to yell at her (to which I said, "Oh, like you don't yell at her all the time!") Then I was a bit snippy with her later. She was really wiped out and upset at bedtime, so I laid down with her and hugged her while she cried, and I talked to her and tried to figure out what was going on, for like 15 minutes. I hope that somehow makes up for before.

It's just between having to get work done, waiting to find out about grad school (had e-mailed one the program head from on of the two schools today because, from what he said before, thought we'd have heard about rejections/interviews by now--now worried I messed up by e-mailing him--I'm sure I'll get rejected anyway because I lack research experience), seeing MC Friday (with H) to address some of the conflict between us (a couple weeks earlier than originally planned, at my request), and also worried I'm getting kinda attached to current T after yesterday's session (and scared because of what just happened with MC) but don't want to contact him about it. Plus other random stressors...Seriously just overwhelmed with a lot of stuff right now...but it's not fair for me to take it out on D (or H)...

Sorry, just had to vent...I know there's no excuse for yelling at my D (though, her hitting me probably comes close...)

Today's session was so hard. I'm having trouble processing it. At one point he said something about not letting my mental illness define me. So I asked "so I'm mentally ill now?". He said no, that's not what he thinks, but that's what he said initially. How am I supposed to believe that's not what he thinks?

Later in the session we were talking about how I maybe come across to the members and therapist of the group I was attending and he said something about maybe I come across as "attention seeking". That's a huge fear of mine and I think he knows this. And now I can't help but wonder if that's how he sees me too.

I feel so ashamed that I ever shared these dark thoughts with him and I wish I could take them back, but I can't. He says that I've never told him anything that changed the way he sees me, but how do I believe that. I don't know how we're supposed to move forward from here.

Yes! A passenger in my body. That's how I felt watching my feet walking into work yesterday. Wondering who was making them go, or something....

Nah, you don't totally suck as a parent. You just had a bad day or part of a day. It happens.

Hugs. Might I suggest that him taking extra time to try to make sure that you were not leaving in a bad place means that he is still committed to helping you heal?

((NP))
Maybe, in a way, the telling is the moving forward.
It takes a lot of courage to share the dark stuff. I'm sure he sees that.

I'm glad he took the time you needed to make sure you were ok before you left.

Hugs, NP...I'd bring up these thoughts and fears with him, particularly the fears of what he thinks of you. It definitely seems like he really cares about you--I like the thing about him turning the clock around (I tend to get a little too focused on the clock at times, too--like I'll keep saying "I know we have to stop in a minute, but...")

Thanks, kecanoe, it helps to hear that. I did end up laying in there with her a second time an hour or so ago when she was crying (I think she hit the overtired mark and couldn't fall asleep). Maybe this is all part of the thing I was talking about with T, how it's not all black and white. I can be a generally good parent who has a bad day...

Adding to the list of things I never thought I'd hear myself say:

"Well, no, Johnny, Mark Twain wouldn't be related to Shania Twain... that was his pen name..."

Have I offended a large number of couchketeers?

? Definitely not me, CE! I enjoy your posts.

Nope! Not I.

Probably, but we love ya anyway!

Seriously, whats up? Did you not get a response on something? I dont remember seeing it. There are a lot of new couchinistas, maybe they dont know you?

LT, you're doing your best. You actually reflect on stuff and strive to be a better parent.

Something mine are so not capable of...since they're utterly convinced they're "perfect parents" (Actual words from my 70yo dad who still throws tantrums like a toddler).

I really feel those so very certain they're good parents aren't as good as they believe, and those doubting themselves heavily are those most capable of being the "good enough" parent their children need them to be.

LT you're doing the best you can right now and that's good enough. No parent is a saint.

I read your other post and personally I can also the attachment coming out when you talked about trying to work out the colour of his eyes. I can understand the worry, but I don't think being attached is necessarily a bad thing. I would bring it up with him even though your scared. The hardest sessions always tend to mine the best gold.



TBH I would have emailed too just to check up on the application,so I don't think they would hold that against you.

Nope. I like reading your posts.

My second exam is coming up in less than 8 days and I still just feel so exhausted. I haven't found my groove and feel like I'm just wasting time and not taking things seriously.

I'm contemplating just taking a break from R when things between us are actually back on track and going okay again. I just really want to be alone, to not have to depend on anyone but myself for a month or two.

I'm a bit odd and feel very sensitive to bright lights and noise. I only use a lamp in my room and not the two main overhead bar lights. At the moment I'm really into candles and burn a standard cheap Ikea one as I find it helps calm me down. But I really want a Chrismassy Yankee candle, maybe because I've just bought into the hype.

At the moment they're still on sale and I was thinking I would be silly to spend £16 or £13 on a candle, but therapy is stupidly expensive at nearly £80 a week which I have done for the past 10 months and even now once a week for the past 3. I get that I'm not going to be fixed overnight- but I'm tired of trying.

Bno not me, i havent been around a lot lately

That's too funny! There are numerous things I've said to our daughter, where I'm like, "OK, those words just came out of my mouth...never thought I'd say that!"

I dropped my blood sugar ten points, which is like totally amazing. I think its a result of eating less in the evening, and adding some dumbbell work after my evening indoor bicycling. I COULD say it was due to eating whole wheat gnocchi and meatballs for breakfast and lunch yesterday, but that might be wishful thinking. So i will try my usual oatmeal and tuna today, and repeat the exercise, and see how that looks sugarwise tomorrow morning.

Thanks, QM. It helps to hear your perspective. I'm sorry for what you've had to deal with regarding your parents...I guess the ability to self-examine and question how I'm doing is important. MC has talked a few times about the concept of the "good enough" parent. I still worry that stuff I do now will scar D for life...but I suppose all I can do is my best...

Thanks, Lemon--it helps to hear that.

So my transference/attachment is clearly coming out in numerous posts.... Which makes me think that T's probably aware of it, too, at least at some level. I think all the looking at his eyes made me feel more connected, too--plus they're quite nice eyes...which I think is part of why I had trouble looking at them before--was afraid of possible attraction.

I think you (and others) are right that I just need to address it with him. I'm just worried he'll start acting differently toward me. But still... I imagine it's better to deal with it in its early stages than wait till it's really intense, like I did with MC... Plus I feel like T must be aware I could develop that transference for him--he even asked maybe a month ago, when I said I felt like the transference for MC may have been fading, if I was concerned about it shifting to him. But I didn't get the sense that *he* was worried about that (in the sense of, "Oh God, I hope LT doesn't develop transference for me--I don't want to deal with that!") I've been very up front about stuff with MC--he knows I have a tendency to get attached.

And you're right that some of the scariest sessions end up being the most helpful and provide the best insights. Plus...if T can't handle it, better I know now than before I get even more attached (though I hope that's not the case--he's been quite helpful so far, so I don't want to lose him as a T).

Thanks! I just hope to hear something soon. Like, if you're going to reject me, just do it already!