Couch 161: The Hexagonal Pyramidal Couch

He really does...it's just...I don't want to inappropriately use the word "ironic," but he has this whole self-deprecating persona, like he sucks as a therapist and stuff. Yet, when it comes down to stuff like this, he doesn't really examine himself or want to admit fault. He doesn't seem to take criticism well. At least he actually admitted today that he has a tendency to get defensive (though...if he knows that, maybe he should try to avoid doing it, or be more aware of it when he does?)

(((LT)))

Last night i had several wird dreams with torpedos and stuff some were funny , one had Harry abelafonte singing the Banana Boat Song. Strange
Eta not so strange
"Daylight come and me wanna go home ". we are back to this again. I dont know what home is

I let a relative borrow my vehicle and when I got it back, I found drugs that must have fallen out of his pocket, judging by where it was on the seat. I am beyond angry about this. My lending the vehicle was all about trying to mend fences with the family and I just feel so had. They had the vehicle for weeks and could have gotten into an accident or been arrested and I would be liable.

It makes me so mad that people will abuse trust like this. But I guess that's what junkies do. It's all about them and their immediate needs and screw anyone who does something nice for them. Oh eff it all, this is like a replay of growing up with addicts. So sick of the lying and manipulating bs. All I want to know is why...why do people piss on gifts and take advantage of those who are being kind? It just ends up turning the world into a worse place. I am so upset right now. I just want to give up.

Oh, wow, that sucks. I once refused to give a friend a ride to a wedding we were going to that was a couple hours away because I knew he used coke--was afraid he'd have some with him in the car and we'd get pulled over. My mom was all "why don't you just ride with him?" and I had to make up a reason. Also had to lie to friend--think I said I had to do something else right before going to wedding.

I went to the local market after work and the computer froze up at the checkout. The cashier asked if I was in a hurry and I said no. I must have looked sad (I was) so she asked if I was having a bad day. I said no I'm having a bad year. She kind of laughed and said it's only January. I paused, then said last year was pretty bad too. Then for some unexplained reason I told her about the fire and the swat team and prison. I don't know why I told a complete stranger all that. Her response was she wouldn't sit around and mope about it and I should grab some girlfriends and go have some fun. I wanted to say to her "if only it were that easy". So now I feel like a complete failure in getting over this trauma, once again. Is it me that's just broken or do people just not get that it's hard?

Ugh, no you're not broken. Cashier probably just didn't know what to say, so said something stupid. No one knows how they'll react to a situation until they're in it.

I mean, it would be very easy for someone on the outside to say to me, "Your marriage counselor upset you? Whatever, screw him, go out and have dinner and have fun!" When what I'm doing (and all I want to do right now) is hibernate at home with a beer (or 5).

And, that is why she is a cashier not one of your lovely friends here on PC. She just doesn't get it. Perhaps that is how she would respond, but the truth is that she has no clue unless she has been in your situation.

I went out for drinks with a couple of coworkers after work tonight. I may have giggled too much and talked too loudly, but man did I have fun. Got home around 8, now just want to sleep. Some major party girl I am! Have a great evening couch!

People don’t get that it’s hard. Sometimes they just say dumb stuff because they don’t know what else to say.

Which is the nice way of saying what I’m practically sitting on my hands to keep from typing: The cashier was a clueless twit.

You’re not broken.

Thanks everybody for the kind words. I've been feeling particularly broken lately. Two weeks ago at my group (group is used loosely, there were only 2 of us there), the other person's long-term friends-with-benefits had died a few weeks back suddenly and she was being really strong and talking about putting away his mementos and not sitting around crying for him because he wouldn't want that. The whole time she was talking, I was feeling so bad about myself because I just can't seem to move on at all.

Then session before last, it kind of felt like that Bob Newhart Stop It! sketch. I know my therapist understands I'm struggling, but that session still felt like "just stop it". Just leave the house and do things, even though I often feel worse after doing things. Just talk to people, even though I struggle to talk and if I do talk I'm left feeling exposed. These things are hard for me right now. Which, again, leaves me feeling like a huge failure.

Plus, I don't know what's normal to feel. What's a normal timeline? Is there a normal timeline? My therapist says it will take me a while to get through this. I'm grateful he says that, but I wonder if he's just trying to make me feel better about my struggles. I feel really supported by him, but internally, I'm fighting with myself.

So things like this woman saying she wouldn't mope, just leave me feeling very, very defective.

hi couch. i was just standing out in my garage watching my son working on his truck and the thought came that "Wow, I feel kind of almost okay about the job I did raising that boy. Look at him. Worked a 40 hour week and started his accelerated machining class yesterday (basically 2 courses wrapped into one!) and still has the energy to install a subwoofer and amp in his truck."

I guess I'm not a total failure as a mom.

So, I sent T a follow-up e-mail because I realized I wasn't clear on (a) if he'd only respond tonight if it was a crisis or if he meant he'd only respond in that case tomorrow night (because he's going out of town "early tomorrow morning") and (b) what constitutes a crisis to him--because we've never really discussed that. I was completely honest, but now am worried it could seem manipulative or needy. I said:

Nope, no timeline. It takes as long as it takes to get to where you want to be. You get to decide what that looks like and when enough is enough. That doesn't make you defective. I see it as being compassionate and providing self care.

i guess it depends on what type of T he is. Have you mentioned SH to him before, and if so, how did he react? My T isn't "laissez-faire" about SH, but she also knows it is just a symptom of my depression and not an actual "crisis."

for me, when i feel like i really need to talk to my T, i ask her to call me. that doesn't always happen--well really it doesn't happen because her schedule and my schedule don't work out, but i do know that if i REALLY needed to talk to her the next day still, she'd figure it out. I don't think in terms of "crisis," but in terms of "I am feeling really bad, and talking to my T for 10 minutes will help" situation.

I doubt he sees it as you being manipulative in any way. Or attention-seeking. Is this about the session with MC?

Thanks, Velcro. Yes, about the session with MC, about which I sent him a fairly long e-mail (asked if it was OK first). I mentioned SH to him on the intake form, then maybe 6 weeks ago, I told him, right at the end of a session, that I'd SHed in response to the phone call with MC. T just said, "I'm sorry" in a very compassionate tone. And we really haven't discussed it otherwise. So I'm not sure how he views it. I know a former p-doc seemed to view it as "Ack, need to get her into intensive outpatient STAT!" But MC never saw it as a big deal (just said it's a coping mechanism), and ex-T seemed like it bothered/upset her, like wanted me to call if I felt like doing it.

So basically, I have no clue what his threshold is. And when he said he could maybe write back "late tonight," what time is that? It's 10:45 where I am now. Oh hey, he just wrote back...more in a bit after I read his response...

well i am glad he wrote back! My T is more the "it is a symptom and as long as it isn't life-threatening or serious SH" it isn't a "big" deal.

Aw...that was a nice response from T. It made me cry, though I admit my threshold for crying right now is kind of low. But it felt very caring...and like he really understands what I'm going through with MC and how it relates to stuff from my past...like I feel very validated and understood and cared for...which is really all I can ask for...

T did say in his response that we never really defined what a "crisis" was, so that's a subject for next session. Like he said "Thank you for your clarifying email, and you're right about my not defining what a 'crisis' looks like. That's something else to put on the conversation list." He mentioned it later in the e-mail too, when saying he wouldn't be that available this weekend but would check e-mail periodically. He mentioned a local crisis line and the hospital if necessary. But that he hoped I'd stay safe till Monday, when he could see me in the office (my scheduled session is Tuesday, but he said via text he could see me sooner).

he sounds really good for you LT

Yeah...it scares me a bit, honestly. Like, his e-mail response almost seemed *too* good! Very validating and understanding. It was over 500 words, which makes it more than worth the cost to me. I hate that I'm suspicious of people who seem to care about me...as T does...like, couldn't he find an easier client to deal with? Why would he want to work with me?

Sigh.

We are on a family weekend, to visit eldest daughter. The boys are at the hotel pool, and I stayed in our room to let in the very kind hotel employee who showed up with a toilet plunger.

Teenaged boys and travel food are not a good combination.

"I'm not perfect."
"Great! So you'll be listening to my advice and making the changes I suggest?"

An apology that starts with "If" ain't worth shite.

Even better:
"So you admit you need to change."