Couch 161: The Hexagonal Pyramidal Couch

I'm unpaid during a government shutdown too (((Healed))) I hope it turns out all right.

Hugs to you! It is a stressful situation.

My apologies to anyone I hurt with my response to NP's post about a cashier who gave what I thought was glib advice. Clearly there are many cashiers who would never say such a thing.

Her response is still bugging me today. I guess what I wanted to hear is "wow, that sounds really hard", not "put on a smile and quit feeling sorry for yourself". I feel so defective. This is why hardly anyone I know knows what happened.

NP — this is probably going to come across as unsupportive and so, my sincere apologies in advance.

This person’s a cashier — someone who’s working a not-exactly-well-paid job, exhausted off their feet and yet expected to somehow put on a cheerful front to customers because that’s what people expect (as JD said, there’s the blank slate expectation).

You’ve been through an unimaginably horrific experience — in dealing with which, (at least from your posts it seems) even your therapist (whose job is pretty much to be paid to use his skills to deal with human inflicted horror) hasn’t always had a solid response.

When the cashier suddenly ended up finding herself listening to a perfect stranger telling her really intense stuff in the midst of a workday (and more than likely a ton of her own troubles), she gave a response that she likely thought would be most useful (since she probably quickly thought of something simple / wrap up the conversation type stuff that she does to cope with whatever painful troubles of her own she deals with).

I’m not entirely certain then how parsing out her response — as painful as it must be — really makes sense?

My apologies again for possibly making things worse.

NP - I think people react and recover in different ways. For some people, they might be able to feel better by going out etc. For others, they do it differently. Her telling you what she thinks she might do (and she might do things that way) does not equal that you be like she sees herself. Sort of like how extroverts handle things versus introverts.

I got a notice for my person that she needs to schedule her annual mammogram. I range between laughing and raging at the inefficiency of the hospital where she died. (I settled for writing "she died from breast cancer at your hospital" and mailed it back to them). The idiocy and inefficiency of those organizations is horrifying. And thinking back on some of the inefficient crap when they screwed up that she put up with (and would not let me go after them about) makes me very sad.

)))SD(((

This is awesome.

I am going to start using perendinate (which autocorrect recognized) regularly, and my boys agree that shivviness is indeed a thing for which they need a word.

Thanks!

You hit 50 in this country and suddenly the govt want to screen you for all sorts of cancer. Someone stole my bowel cancer screening kit. I know because i got a notice saying i did not return mine.

Uh... before or after you used it??

Eta - i KNEW there was one thing i was missing when i set up all my appts the other day! But im just sending in a kit. I told my gp i was waiting for one of those new dogs to sniff and screen me.

I would not (and don't) let those people screen me for anything.

I really wish it was after, but, alas twas before.

You're both right. I think I'm overly sensitive anymore in my interactions with people. I worry that everyone will judge me for how I'm dealing with this.

Is everyone sick of me? Just wondering...mostly due to lack of reactions on my In Session Today post...Or do you all just think I'm being delusional, like, yeah current T is being caring, but he'll of course get sick of me, too?

Sorry I'm being so neurotic...

No—I thought In Session was like Dear T, we weren’t supposed to respond on the thread. So I try not to, although when AY’s Blondie does or says something headsmackingly idiotic I usually can’t resist.

What kind of response did you want? He sent a nice email that helped you. Are you worried about something?

Thanks @@--it was more the lack of hugs or thanks...wasn't expecting comments so much.

I do feel helped by him. I feel like he really cares. And that really scares me...Like, he's only known me for 4 months--why does he care so much? Why does he want to deal with me, when he knows my history with MC? He's qualified as a sport consultant--why not just take someone on who has trouble with their serve or golf swing? He'd get the same payment he'd get for dealing with me. Why would he want to work with someone who has issues with attachment to therapists? Why isn't he running and screaming from me? I mean...it's kind of inevitable that I'll get attached to him, right? Why isn't he running away? (Yeah, clearly I have some issues to work on...)

Admit it — you’re just irresistibly drawn to Blondie.

ETA: LT — for me, at least, it’s your interaction with MC that I considered responding to (but didn’t — short response, I agree with the general PC sentiment). So, it’s just good that you found your T’s response supportive.

Every time I think we’ve reached the bottom of her pools of idiocy and flakiness, no, it turns out she can always go deeper.

Why do you think he really cares? I haven’t seen anything so far based on your reports of him that suggests anything more than “normal” therapist caring and that you have a good connection with him.

Sorry, don’t mean to burst your bubble if I am, but can you just tell yourself that he sees a client he thinks he can help? And not think too hard about it? (Because my sense is that thinking too hard about it, over-analyzing, caused you more pain with MC.)

Maybe because you're more interesting than someone who needs help with their golf swing? I wonder if therapists don't get bored sometimes. I often wonder what other kinds of issues clients go to see my therapist about.

Actually, after one of our first sessions, I said "I'm kind of the opposite of an athlete, as I hate exercising." He said, "You do this a long time, you get bored!" So I think I help keep it interesting for him...

I dont read the in session thread though that is what i came for, as my sessions are so vastly different to everyone elses

If he has been a therapist for more than six months, I bet he knew pretty much immediately that you would likely get attached to him. Meaning that he probably knew how things were likely to unfold for you when he first took you on as a client. I know he said that transference is MC's thing since he is a psychodynamic therapist, but nearly all therapists know how to work with the therapeutic relationship and are open to the possibility that the client will get attached to them. If he wasn't a therapist who can/will work like that, he would have referred you early on.

I think the experience of opening up to a therapist and being truly understood can be really intense, which for me has been a big part of the healing. In many ways, your new T seems to be doing therapy "right" (in my estimation), which actually increases the likelihood that you will get attached. MC seems to be unable to keep the attention on the client (always going off on sharing tangents about himself and his life) but your T keeps a laser focus on your experience. MC is all over the place with time boundaries and outside contact boundaries and allotting time to couple's counseling vs. your transference stuff. Your T sounds like he is very clear about what the therapeutic relationship is and isn't and about what he can offer you. That will increase your security and comfort with him because you know what you're going to get all the time, which yes, is probably more likely to enhance your attachment feelings. Within the limits of the therapeutic relationship, the possibilities are endless, which is a heady feeling.

So I think this is all on track, and I think your T offers you real possibilities for growth and for moving toward the life you want to live. That's therapy. It sounds like you are working really well with him, and I get the impression that he's very confident that he can help you. It's okay to feel freaked out by that, but I don't think the freaked out feelings belong to the actual relationship you have with your T. I think they are relics of times that close relationships haven't gone well, most recently with MC.

I am glad you're sharing all this, and I always enjoy reading your posts. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now, but I think unfortunately this is a necessary part of putting a healthy distance between you and MC.

I think you are doing the same thing with this guy that you did with mc. As I see it, the difference may be that this guy, in what I would find pompous and condescending ways, is able to hold his own boundaries and not try to rescue you as much as mc did.
I am glad you are finding this new one helpful

Thanks, SD. I think the huge difference here is the boundaries...and also the fact that he's not my marriage counselor, so I can work through it in different ways.