Couch 161: The Hexagonal Pyramidal Couch

That's awful....take care Art

Thanks all... as soon as I call my boss I'm going to bed. Just got back to the hotel where we're staying til the furnace is fixed... Kinda crazy it took them all night to figure out what was wrong but then again they have other patients too and have to rule stuff out. He's getting good care and he's already had the first round of antibiotics so I'm praying for the best. Night couchies. And thank you again.

Wow -I am glad you took him to the er. I hope he recovers quickly.

I destroyed my radio because of this stupid illness. I guess it could be worse??

I am sorry Art

(((Art))) I hope the antibiotics do their thing quickly.

Art: Good call to take H to ER. Glad he's being treated, and I hope you get some sleep.

ugh,Art! Terrible that urgent care misdiagnosed the kidney in

After a year and a half of a good, close relationship with my T, the something about the holidays and a bunch of unexpected days he took off really casually ( while he expects patients to think of sessions as sacrosanct and not to be cancelled) created a feeling of distance I can't seem to cross. It definitely hit home that, though we talk about the most intimate details of trauma, I am just his job. I have some good close friends and a insightful BF, but I still don't want to talk about such severe issues with them, and I have been venturing deeper into the past with T , with an increasing sense of trust . All of a sudden though, that trust is evaporating. It is like falling out of love, but it is more falling out of believing in him. I can't figure out what is causing this. I think some illusion might be needed about T that I abruptly lost, though I dont know what that is. I feel like quitting, but there is no real reason for me to feel like this. It is a scary feeling, because this has been so important to me and there is no real reason for it except that intellectually I always understood it is a professional relationship, but my heart experienced the limitations of that, the reality of that, over the holidays and is called into question what it is all for .

I'm sorry you're feeling like this--the disillusionment and realizing what the T relationship really is and its limitations can be really tough. Have you talked to T about it at all? I'd suggest doing that.

(((Esme))) (LT))) Im back to t after a week off, so its been two weeks.

Its like, there is no future, and there is no past. Its just someone who is here for you, NOW. Someone who is not going to put you down to make themselves feel better (see my posts about my aunts recent phone call).

I like the aspect of, its like taking an aerobics class. Its good while youre there, and the good builds.

I tried. He got really sad, and said how much he did care . It is weird, but it is like I can't feel anything he is saying, even when it is all the right things. I need to reel it in, or figure it out. The distance I feel seems like has compounding interest. I can't understand it. It is like a sudden disenchantment or a sudden sense of futility . Therapy has been so important to me, and I want it to coninue to be that way. It is like he has let me down of failed me in some way but he is a wonderful T who has done none of those things. It isn't like me to be this way.I tried to find examples in the past or from there relationships of this, like the way they have us play th transference memory game all the time, but it is like therapy had a magic spell to it that suddenly stopped. My T says that I don't want the past to have happened, so I therefore don't want to talk about it anymore, and that it is epic resistance.

Is it possible that T is right about you not wanting to talk about the past? For me, when I was pushed to talk about the past, I pretty much bailed out on T3. So, it can happen.

Even if T is right and this is related to you not wanting to talk about the past, I think you still get to choose whether to continue. If you don't want to dig it up, that is your call.

When that happened to you with T3, were you aware of it consciously and it was a conscious decision?

I think there is something to the idea of needing to maintain an illusion. I think of it like a therapy bubble that keeps things safe enough to work on, but when real life intrudes, the bubble bursts and all is exposed. I had this happen when the therapy space was intruded by someone in a window. It broke the spell, to use your word. I don't know that I want the spell to return. I can't bear to have the cold water of reality hit me again. It's fine the way it is now, just everyday business.

I think maybe that's what happened for me when my t responded "I know" to that "I love you" that I'd just read to her from a dream. All the many times I'd said I love you for reals (not just in a dream) she'd never responded like that. To me it was cold and clinical and yes, broke the spell. I know others are fine with that response but for me, I wasn't. I'm glad it happened though. I think it helped me to grow up some more.

Hugs SalingerEsme. It is sorta like falling out of love or something. That resonated with me.

Update on h: he called a little bit ago, he's on another round of IV antibiotics and they're doing a CAT scan after that. I'm heading back over there now.

It certainly was not my experience with it. But also - I don't usually have trouble with people putting me down to make themselves feel better - that is not a focus of mine.

Yes and sort of. I knew that talking about "that" stuff was destabilizing. I tried, but just couldn't do it. I was anxious, not sleeping, agitated, frustrated. What I decided to do was to take a couple of weeks off and see if that made things any better for me. I did not discuss that with T3.

As it turned out, she called me (!) and said that she had changed her mind about talking through this stuff and we'd go back to body-based stuff. So I went back after 2 weeks. Incidentally I did feel better not going. But I went back, we did brain spotting, it went well and I have had a good week. I had to cancel tonight because I have shingles-which can cause unprotected people to get chicken pox. And I am feeling sad and regretful about that. It's interesting because when I took the break, I felt better. Now, missing a session due to my health and I am not liking it.

Info on Info:

1. She looked hot today, in a cougar-y way. Like, jeans, leather vest, hoop earrings, taupe lace-up shoes, hair straightened not a frizzy mess so she didn’t look like she just rolled out of bed. No cleavage in sight.

2. She’d drawn my family tree on a whiteboard before session, with notes. (We talked about the family tree last week.)

3. She rearranged her office so the sun wouldn’t get into clients’ eyes. Not a fan of the new arrangement (not enough leg room).

4. She enjoys “The Big Bang Theory” show.

5. It was her fourth on-the-ball session in a row. Unexpected to say the least.

She can't be all bad then if she likes the big bang theory.

I got a new mattress today. I hope it helps with my back. It is really tall though, I sort of have to climb up now to get into bed and hop down out of it.
I may have to get a platform bed or something to lower it

I'm sorry you're going through this. My T and I were just talking today about how I couldn't do some aspects of this work if I couldn't contact her between sessions when I needed to. That plus her flexibility with scheduling is really important. (I used both within the last few days because my life has been complicated and a bit stressful.) I think there is a level of respect and availability there that's really important for making me feel safe with her.

Your T had that really odd response to you mentioning that it was weird that he announced a cancelation at the end of a session, right? I don't know if that's related to your feeling of disconnection, but it makes sense to me that it might be. I think there are certain levels of therapy I could do with anybody who was kind and a good listener, but I think there are other deeper, more intense levels that require a flexible and exceedingly trustworthy travel companion to be able to go there at all.

Oh gawd. I was looking at a picture across the room toward the end of my session. I couldn't read what it said, so I asked my therapist. I didn't understand what she was saying, so she had to keep repeating it until I got it. I sounded it out like an idiot...Inner Course. Loooooong silence. She said something about it being a play on words. More silence. I asked if we could switch topics and end on something else, which we did, but it didn't help.

Struggling today to do things. I need to read and print out information from emails for my youngest distance education course. There are new rules for Year 10 exam supervision and i need to find a suitable person, who is not related to her. I dont know anyone. Damn the hermitic life.