[Broken_Hearted87]

Hey all, I was wondering if anyone could provide any helpful advice for me. Recently, my fiance of 2 years broke up with me and you can imagine I'm in a lot of emotional pain at the moment. I really really just want it all to go away, but I know these things take time. I was considering making an appointment with a therapist, but I am extremely apprehensive.

I have anxiety and depression issues and my doctor actually put me on Zoloft and BuSpar last week. I have had these issues for years now with me being on medication off and on due to financial troubles etc... Well about a year ago, I went to a doctor to try and get on medication again because it was really affected my relationship with my then fiance at the time. I made the mistake of telling her that I had suicidal thoughts and I did have a scenario in my mind on how I was going to do the deed. I tried to explain to her that I would never do it, it was just like a comfort. Like I had a way out of the pain, because I didn't see any other way other than through it. I do not want to die I just want the pain to stop. She didn't understand this. It was like her face went dark and started treating me like I was an invalid. A social worker came and interviews me. She wouldn't let me see my mom, who was my ride, waiting in the lobby. I was TERRIFIED. They wouldn't let me leave until the social worker said I could. Needless to say, I put my brave face on and told the social worker what she wanted to hear so I could get out of there. I didn't get any medication or any help that day. Just left that place in the car bawling my eyes out because I thought they were going to involuntarily commit me.

Here I am one year later with the same problems but without the love of my life to pull me through. I want to get help. I cannot cope with this by myself (I have my mom at least). I am heartbroken, depressed, anxious all the time. But now I am scared, because I WANT to get help but I don't want another experience like that. I rather deal with it on my own than that again.

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you made it this far. Just any advice? My mom and I discussed this. I might just see if the medication will take an edge off and maybe I won't feel so crazy enough where the therapist would commit me because I said something and she thinks I might hurt myself.

[NP_Complete]

I don't think it's a foregone conclusion that a therapist will commit you because you express suicidal thoughts. I've talked extensively to my therapist about my thoughts and he knows I have a plan and I'm still free. I think there are others on this board that have had similar experiences. Going to therapy for the first time can be nerve-wracking. It was for me, but I'm so glad I finally went.

[Elio]

It took me a long time before I talked about suicide with my T because of previous threat of hospitalization. In retrospect, I probably could have used more support at the time I first started seeing her. I believe she understood that and took to asking specific questions at regular intervals. When I did start talking about it, I started with the story of being threatened with the hospitalization and not my suicidal thoughts, beliefs or anything like that. We talked about what it would take for her to decide a client needed hospitalization and such. We would talk about it for a little bit one session and then not again for several weeks. It wasn't until I had been seeing her for about 8 months before I admitted to her where I was when I first started seeing her. From some of the things she said back then and some of the things she had me promise, I believe she knew I was struggling with suicide.

You don't have to start right in with suicide stuff, if you know you are safe, all you need to say is I'm safe. I'm not say to lie to them, just that if you know it is just a comfort, then you are safe. I know I keep things on hand and plans in my head as a comfort.

[maybeblue]

Suicidal thoughts are pretty scary for a lot of people, including professionals--particularly those who do not specialize in mental illness. I think that you might find that a therapist will be less freaked out by it than a general practitioner. And in reality, what your doctor did was get a second opinion (with the social worker). She wanted to error on the side of keeping you safe.

I'm sorry it was so scary for you though to go to someone and ask for help and have you feel threatened like that. The system isn't meant to work that way. Frankly if everyone who had occasional suicidal thoughts was put into a hospital, there would be no beds left. And if it is true that you just want the pain to stop, but not actually die, then I think there's a good chance you would be really helped by outpatient therapy. I hope you will take the risk of asking for help again.

[Broken_Hearted87]

Hey everyone thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it. I actually cancelled my appointment that I made today to do the paperwork and start the process. I was just too nervous and scared to go. I think this is one of those things where I have to force myself to do it because I don't want to live like this anymore.

I guess that's one good thing about my fiance breaking up with me is it actually is wanting me to get the help I do need instead of living in this depression. Wallowing in it because its comforting and all I know. I think I will try and muster the courage to make another one soon. I will just not talk about suicide right now until I'm comfortable enough that my therapist will listen to me when I say I don't want to die. I'm just tried of thinking that is my only way out of this. Maybe not even open up about the deeper things until I know what there policies are about hospitalization. I mean...I could just ask when I get there.."I'm scared you'll think I'm so crazy and have me committed against my will?"

[Broken_Hearted87]

I forgot to mention. That doctor from a year ago...she kept on asking me what if I DID decide I wanted to do it? What if you feel differently then? It's like she was trying to force me to say. Yes, I would commit suicide then. The more I think about it..what a horrible woman. I feel sorry for whoever else tries to ask for help from her. Makes me wonder if she did just recommend a therapist then when I had the courage to ask for help. Would my mental state have approved and my fiance still be with me?

[mcl6136]

My heart goes out to you. I hope you realize that most people make change by having multiple attempts, steps forward, backward, resting, some reconsidering, and then baby step forward. You will act when you are good and ready!!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Broken_Hearted87

I forgot to mention. That doctor from a year ago...she kept on asking me what if I DID decide I wanted to do it? What if you feel differently then? It's like she was trying to force me to say. Yes, I would commit suicide then. The more I think about it..what a horrible woman. I feel sorry for whoever else tries to ask for help from her. Makes me wonder if she did just recommend a therapist then when I had the courage to ask for help. Would my mental state have approved and my fiance still be with me?

I can see why you would be MAD! I do want to add, though, that for people who are contemplating this decision, sometimes once they actually MAKE it, they feel better, feel relief and she may have been checking for that rather than forcing you to say YES. However, whatever her rationale and approach, it was HARMFUL to you. I'm sorry about that. The loss that you suffered is going to take time to heal. Take care of YOU and continue posting here. This forum really can help!

[peaches100]

You might consider looking online for therapists who live in your area and find out which ones specialize in treating the kind of issues you have. I think maybe PC even has a list of therapists somewhere on this Web site.

Once you've found two or three that look like possibilities, contact them via phone or email and briefly tell them what you've said here...that you would like to get help with "such and such" (whatever your specific issues are), but that you had a bad experience in the past with a primary care doctor who overreacted when you mentioned that you occasionally had suicidal thoughts. Because of this, you are very hesitant to try therapy. You need to be able to talk about your feelings without fear that a therapist will freak out and hospitalize you at any moment.

Based on how they respond to your message, you can decide if you feel comfortable trying out therapy with them. Many therapists will offer this type of free consultation first to let you determine whether they might be a good fit for you.

As long as you make it clear that you are not in any immediate danger of harming yourself -- that these are just occasional thoughts -- I doubt a good therapist would freak out and hospital you. I've talked about suicidal thoughts more than once with my therapist, and she has never threatened to do that.