Couch 162: Let's Play Ball! (The Baseball Couch)

Yep! I have made great use of it since my first professor of the program gave me a D on my final paper. I still got a B in the class, but still that stung. So, I have learned my lesson and use the writing center every time!

Today I would have emptied my bank account to get somebody to write my paper! But I stuck with it, it’s done and I got to keep my money

Don't write until you absolutely have to? I realized at some point early on that my brain automatically got inspired to start working on stuff when there was exactly enough time (with sometimes literally < a few minutes to spare to submit something) to work on something and never earlier.

And, I believe I'm in good company to work that way.

(Fair warning -- I also realized later that this habit is so deeply ingrained in me that I can't shake it off and do a decent job if I try to start working any earlier.)

I'm working on my first discussion post - due 2/6. It has 3 parts. The first part is to introduce ourselves by answering 6 questions like when do we feel the most calm, who/what do we love, stuff like that. Yeah, this class is gonna be a LOT more writing than the first one was! I'm looking forward to getting in the groove.

Oh, I'm like that, too. I never get stuff done early!

Insomnia. Pain woke me, I rolled over, had a very strange dream about me and my girls spending a day with all my abusive exes, topped off by seeing two (completely uninvolved) coworkers holding hands having a romantic stroll around a fast food drive through line. The most disturbing part is that terror from the exes didn't wake me, but the puzzlement of the strolling coworkers did. I'm wired now at 2:30 am. Thanks psyche!

I told R on Tuesday that I'd postponed my guitar lesson on the 15th because 'Nobody wants to experience a grouchy Lost...'

Today, I'm even more grouchy.



Body, why must you lose your **** to get me to notice?

Off to a new pdoc this afternoon. A 2 hr appointment, plus probably an hour to check in and check out and this isnt even an appointment that my gp wants. Grrrr. And brrr - i think its cold again. But then im good for the weekend. Plus im getting a car for the appointment, so i will pick up meds and groceries afterwards. Theres a good dr phil today but not sure ill be home in time to watch it.

Okay, my curiosity is aroused--what constitutes "a good Dr Phil"?

On the teaser, the lady is going oh boo hoo hoo, an dr phil says, wow loud sobs but NO TEARS!!! And then the lady stops and just looks up and yeah theres no tears. Before this, shes saying, you invited somebody i TOLD you not to invite! He goes, hey lady, nobody tells me who i can have on my show, not even you. I think thats when she starts fake crying.

Yeah, Its kind of like wrestling.

My mom obsessively watched Dr.Phil (and Jeopardy) when she visited (and stayed at my brother’s place since I didn’t have a TV).

At some point, I realized that I need to thank the dude coz apparently she watched an episode where he had a parent on there whose kid was queer and his stance of telling the parent that the kid can’t help it, made sense to my mother it seems (so, while her general disapproval continues, apparently the blame is now distributed between me, nature, the Almighty and so on).

Good luck at your appt, una!

I'm sorry this is so long and I know that I'm dramatic and irrational.

Last session on tuesday I told him I was taking a break from therapy.

Opening: We joked about his hair.

R:That today was a unique day that we were both feeling conscious. I began to cry. That I didn't want to be seen by him. That I found it unbearable, humiliating to be seen like this.

S:I didn't think it would be wise to cut of support two weeks before my exam.

R:That I spent a lot of energy resisting him.We talked about the movie Rocky when he's training. Life wasn't a montage-had it's ups and downs.Then that I resisted him.Stripped away his worth and value. Something about the experience being too real for me.If I allowed myself to value him. I'd become more dependent on him, making myself more vulnerable and needy and that I didn't trust him to not leave me and hurt me.

S:You already hurt me.

R:Hey.. Hurt you already?

S: You know when you want something so much but you can't have it.

R:Talking about me

S:Yes I want you as a father and as a lover as well.

R: Do you want me as a son- have a set? ( ) Take care of me rather than be taken care by me?

S:I went on about the Valentines day gifts I got for my sisters. Then more crying.

R:That I found it easier to give than to receive. Would it be a disaster to receive his help.

S:I want to prove that I can do it on my own.

R:You want to compete in this selfish world.People can be nice.Don't have to compete all the time.

S:You're either a sheep or a wolf Mr His Surname. If your nice people will take advantage of you.

R: Wow I guess you've got your answer and don't need my help. It's a shame being a wolf means being an asshole

S: I feel like I just want to take a break, but there's no point in coming back in two months is there?

R:No.

S:Or are you only saying that because you want my money? Maybe you think I'm just a hopeless cause anyway...

R:Sheeps and wolves brought to my mind capitalism essentially which he didn't think a lot of. It felt like I was accusing him of.

S:How?

R: Taking your money, exploiting the individual just so that he would make money.

S:I'm just a bit on the side.

R:You make it sound like an affair.

S:Its not. I'm just somebody you fill your time with. I want to be his favourite. I want to matter. Maybe it's me that I've been more depressed since January. That I don't feel connected to you since you came back. So how do we fix this?

R:Well I think that's a good start

S:That I let things get worse with my old best friends and then it was 7 months before we'd even spoken.I find it easy to detach. Sometimes what I really want to hear from you is that everything is going to be okay, that's all I need. Do you not believe that or would that be like making false promises to me?

R: There's an element of you wanting to create a fantasy that you can hide away in and I guess my work here is to try to help you find the position where you can allow a bit of reality in. So I don't really see it as my task/role to help you with this fantasy.

S:So telling me everything is going to be okay is a fantasy?

R:No. I'm telling you I don't believe in magic,wishful thinking, fairy tales. The Rocky montage- just because you put on a decent soundtrack doesn't mean everything is okay all of a sudden.

S:Okay.

R:See- how you attempt to increase your dependency on me.

S:Okay.

R:Okay?

S:I feel like I just want to cut you out. Screw you. I'm going to disappear.

R:Your angry with me because I won't join you in your fantasy.Because I maintain my distance, my separation you feel humiliated by me?

S:Tell me one random fact about yourself.

R: I can see this as an attempt to seize control.

S: I don't know what I want.

R:The way I see it, it's easier to hate me S: then it is to love you.

R:When you're in this position of hate all you have to do is take care of yourself.

S:But I don't hate you

R:fine. I'm not saying that you do, just talking in black and white terms. I think this is how your feeling very black and white.

S: You either love me or you don't.

R: But if your in a position of love, have to be vulnerable, allowed to be hurt.Which you feel is worse that being alone.

S:I feel like we're on different wavelengths

R: You just wanted me to say yep everything will be okay, then we'd be on the same wavelength.Everything I'm trying to say gets stripped of its' meaning and value. Immediately becomes worthless.I'd rather discredit him and the therapy then allow potential.

S:Okay.

I think I'll come back in around two weeks. (I'm back on weekly x2 since last week).

R: I'll be here on Tuesday the same as always.

Sometimes Oprah's words would come out of my mothers mouth - it was kind of like a reverse scene from the Exorcist

Took 3 guys and a computer all freakin afternoon to determine i am "stable". Im havin biscuits an gravy at bobs big boy to celebrate until my meds are ready to be picked up. I was starvin!

I’m at the hospital with my dad. They have a potential liver for him. They just have to look at the organ and test it to determine if it is good enough to use for him. If it is, which we will know soon- my father will be getting a full liver transplant tonight. 6 hour surgery ahead of us overnight if the liver is good.

Good luck Jersey - I hope it is a match. I know that when we donated my mother's organs, my father was thrilled to find out a lot of them had been matched with donees.

I could have told them that in 30 seconds!

Thanks SD. I wish someone knew that the deceased persons organs were going to a good cause but they actually said that they were not able to find any family or friends of the deceased. But that’s all they were able to tell us. And also what the person died from. Everything else is confidential-except the condition of the liver.
We have been up in the hospital waiting since 1pm my time-so they said they will be able to tell us soon if they can use it.

Hey - why so slow?!

I had to finish chewing the Oreo in my mouth first.

Wow. This week on PC-Med we combine modern life threatening diseases and cutting edge life saving procedures with a whacked out cast of real life supportive characters

We'll be the first bridal couple exchanging vows wearing lobster bibs

I hope you find out soon.
With my mother - it was confidential about names etc, but my father got letters (not addressed to him by name) from the recipients routed through the organ bank.

I hope it all goes well, Jersey.