Dear T,

i want to know what you know, or what you think you know. Who am i in your eyes? What do you see? Who do you think i am? i want to know what my successes and failures are in showing myself to you... i want to know what you see that i did not intend or what you see that i have meant to hide.

i want you to tell me again... tell me again that it hit you hard to read about my past. Tell me again because the words are like water to a dying thirst. Tell me again because i don't believe you... i must believe you... i cannot believe you. It's too insigificant.. too stupid. If it really is as bad as you say then it means something horrible happened to me and i have to face it as such, rather than the nonchalant way i do now... it means i suffered and i have to reconnect with that pain... maybe it's not so bad... maybe you are just exaggerating to give me validation.

but tell me again anyway... it made my heart almost stop

tell me that you won't leave me... tell me again that you are not going anywhere.

tell me if you give a %#@&#! about what happens to me

tell me if i am client number 145, if i am a portion of your paycheque...

or tell me you care... tell me what that means, how is that sort of caring defined.

tell me again how what i wrote about what happened struck you more than what you usually see, even though you said you see a lot. Tell me because i always felt like my experiences were somehow not enough to qualify as any sort of victim of anything. Tell me how not to become a victim now, but how to acknowledge the small and vulnerable victim i was then.

tell me you see me... ME

tell me you hear me in here... and tell me what you think i am saying. Tell me that the screams i make are making it to you... that you know i am dying behnd this facade

do you know me? even some of me?

you want me to learn to trust you... and bless you for going as slow as i need... for not pushing me too soon... for knowing your craft well enough to know how to handle me gently.

do you trust me? would you trust me? what does that trust look like?

what does it really mean to trust you? that i can just say what i want? that i know you won't run sscreaming? that i know you won't try to hurt me? what does it mean? how will i know when i get there?

tell me how to survive this.. this crisis i face... how do i stay alive?

tell me you will be there and you will hold my hand (figuratively).

tell me

[(JD)]

very good.

(((hugs)))

I hope you print this and take it to your T. I think it would be good for many members here to do the same.

[Mouse_]

Gerber, Excellent!

wow. Gerber..

You showed a vulnerable part of you. Its very good.

[RACEKA]

I was thinking of printing it too.

[confused4ever]

Wow....just wow........you said what I am thinking .......can I use this letter???

i'm blushing.

of course anyone can use the letter if they want to.. i'd be flattered. i'd be curious about the response you got.. i am waaaaaay too timid to actually give this to my T. He has done a fab job to just get me to tell him the smallest beginnings of past stuff.

thanks for the boost.. even if i am really blushing.

It's wonderful, gerber. I understand if you are nervous about reading this whole thing to your T-- but I hope you can use it as a guide and at least share certain parts with him.

thanks pink.. i would love to have the courage for that but i am nowhere near that yet. we have only been together 9months now.. i am surprised at the positive rxn to this from everyone... i think about sharing it with my T and oh god.. my blood turns to ice water.

[tulips30]

I am so humbled and in awe of you "letter" post. Reading this brought a lump to my throat because it was like taking a ride in your heart. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us.

I understand completely your reluctance and fear at the thought of sharing this with your t. However, I believe he would be so grateful and impressed with your ability and the grace you possess in sharing your thoughts & feelings. Maybe you could consider allowing him to read outside of your presence? It might make you feel a little less uncomfortable. I know sometimes I am able to send my t an e-mail with a thought that I was unable to express in session.

Again, thank you for sharing this most beautiful "letter".

[Perna]

It's almost poetry. I'd take off the "Dear T" (to make it feel less "personal" to me, could be about any professional I knew) and hand it to my T as I was leaving a session :-)

[Milkyway]

Gerber,
This is really beautiful & moving and even if it seems impossible for you to imagine handing this out to T, I'm sure your T would me really moved to read this.
I don't think anyone can read this and not think Wow.... as we all felt...
But you could also give him/tell him one sentence a session...I know many of them I'd like to tell them to T but too shy to do so..
I really enjoyed reading your letter, thanks for sharing it

[confused4ever]

Gerber, thanks for putting into words so much I have wanted to ask my T. I did send it to him. I changed a few things to fit me, like I told him about my abuse so I just had to reword that one part. He did respond, and he first said he couldn't do that letter justice in one phone call. But we did talk about some of it, and he said he wants to answer it all. We talked about the trust part, and his feelings on it, and how he would never run screaming or hurt me in any way. WE also talked about him being there for me, and holding my hand, which he said he would never of thought of any other way.

I just wanted to thank you, I wish you could find a way to give it to your T, it is such an awesome letter......

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

omg.. i am awestruck.. Thank you.. i mean it.

i used to want to write and had people try to get me to become a writer... i didn't have the confidence

now i don't feel i have a lot to say.

but thanks anyway. It gave me a much needed boost

[lauren_helene]

Wow you are an awesome writer! You are very in touch with your feelings and vulnerabilities. Good for you!!!!!!

You have a good T and I can tell that you both are building that therapeutic relationship.

you mean that? maybe my T can help me.. wow... he's good but that would take a lot. i stopped writing for reasons other than confidence too.. basically i gave it up because i didn't want to outshine someone else that i cared about. That person wanted/wants to be a writer but is unlikely to succeed. i am very passionate about what i do, and happy with it.. but i wish i could do both.

i think my best stuff is the emotional stuff... which sucks really because it means i am suffering when i write. Otherwise i have nothing to say... but i say it well