[mirak]

First up, b̶a̶c̶h̶e̶l̶o̶r̶ we have therapist #1!

Orientation & specialization: Strictly constructivist school. Trauma specialist. Slightly CBT-oriented but often uses narrative, prolonged exposure, and other modalities.

Transference: It's like a crush, except there's no erotic component. I feel very fond/affectionate towards them. Also I intensely crave their liking and respect, always want to prove myself. This makes me work my *** off.

Pluses: Excellent rapport. Similar backgrounds and ages, so we share a lot of cultural context and politics etc., makes it easy to get along. And because I am always working my *** off, I got soooooooo much done during the year we worked together. Changed my whole life. It was intense. I had no idea someone could help me do so much just by being kind, empathic, supportive, and using a ton of socratic questioning.

Minuses: I hide things from them because I don't want them to think less of me. I did so well in therapy with them that I feel like I set an impossible standard I must now live up to, to prove it wasn't all a fluke. I have a schema in my head about which failures are "acceptable" and which are not, and I only ever want to show my "acceptable" failures to them. Due to this, I had a terrible termination experience with T#1. I delayed talking about how panicked the idea of termination was making me, and even when I did, I underplayed it, because I could not bear to have them think of me as "needy" or "dependent." Ended up pretending to be okay with terminating just to make sure they didn't think badly of me - but really I was in turmoil. So my transference legitimately interfered with my therapy. And also: they don't actually truly "get" me on an intuitive level, they don't probe too deep, and they are not very good at transference and relational work compared to trauma processing or coaching or CBT stuff.

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Then there's therapist #2.

Orientation & specialization: Psychodynamic. Analyst by training. Also does hypnotherapy.

Transference: ... not sure. Not feeling anything other than regular warmth, liking, and trust. Also perhaps because I went to T#2 AFTER the bad termination experience with T#1, I am much more wary and am taking it very slow. Don't want to feel dependent.

Pluses: This therapist "gets" me to a scary, scary degree. They are intuitive and it's like they can see inside my brain. I've only been going here 4 months but I have learned more about myself, my motivations, and ways to get around my emotional/psychological blocks than I ever did with T#1. T#2 rarely says anything and when they do, it's like a little nugget of cosmic truth that makes my whole scattered brain magically fall into place. I had no idea someone could understand me like this.

Minuses: The crazy off-the-charts energy I felt in T#1's office is missing. This work is slower, quieter, more internal - this part is NOT a minus - but I constantly feel like I'm not *doing* anywhere close to as much work as before. All the aha moments and answers I've gotten are things that make me FEEL better but not necessarily DO better. It might just be that due to the difference in transference, i.e. I don't feel the need to impress T#2 or prove anything to them, but it could also be just the psychodynamic vs. CBT thing? I don't know. Also, because of my hesitation with opening up fully, and a little bit because I'm a bit freaked out by how deeply T#2 sees me, I have not yet told them about the bad termination with T#1. We work on other things which are also quite significant, but ... ugh... I'm so afraid to say anything...

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Lastly, there's me. My issues are clumped into several buckets. Trauma/PTSD (childhood + abusive marriage), divorce (practicalities and emotions and logistics and FEEEELINGS), depression (moderate to severe with some passive SI), and functional day-to-day problems as a result of all of the above + my ADD (unable to focus at work, struggling with deadlines, not doing my creative stuff, neglecting chores at home, etc).

At the present moment, I would say that the last two are the most urgent and overwhelming issues for me. But there are some weeks during which PTSD really flares up and knocks me down to my knees.... Still, the outward results are no different from depression or functional issues knocking me down to my knees which is what happens all the time.

Divorce stuff is mostly okay now.

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So what is the verdict, folks? Should I go back to my old T, you think, given how I am struggling with day to day stuff a lot more since I terminated with them? Or should I stick with my current T who helps me greatly with depression and has the big plus of, you know, I freakin trust them not to kick me out of therapy when I need them a lot, because they intuitively seem to understand how much trouble I have asking for what I need, which T#1 just had no clue about?

[Pennster]

This is a very interesting post- But sounds like a dilemma all right. Why did you terminate with T#1?

I wonder if you could stick with T#2 but supplement your therapy with other things that might help you with day to day stuff more? Or maybe talk to your therapist about ways you could work on improving that? He might have some more helpful things to suggest if you explain more about what you need.

[LonesomeTonight]

My main question is: Have you told T2 how much you're struggling with the day to day stuff? Maybe you could try focusing on that more in there, see how that goes. (If you've already tried this, never mind!)

[maybeblue]

Is there a financial/insurance or other reason why you can't see both? I never thought I'd be the kind of person who wanted/needed two therapists, but it turns out it is exceptionally helpful. One is very good at helping me with assertiveness and relationships, and the other is good at helping me with trauma and ED stuff.

[Ididitmyway]

It sounds like each one of them has their strengths and their downsides, or better say each one of those two experiences (not therapists) has its up and downsides. Which one would work best for you depends on what your priorities are AT THE MOMENT. Sometimes it's deep inner work, sometimes it's strengthening the functioning capacities. The deep psychodynamic work may help uncover traumatic material that needs to be worked on (whether it can be successfully worked on in psychodynamic therapy is uncertain). Supportive therapy, on the other hand, is great in helping to cope with traumatic symptoms and to strengthen functioning capacity. You need to understand which one is more important for you at the moment and go with the therapy and the therapist who provides that.

[stopdog]

I would hire both and see each of them every other week if not each week.

I would stick with someone trauma trained and eclectic.

Psychoanalytic therapy brings intensity and can be volatile and even harmful depending on your sense of self/past traumas, and current supports and life stressors, which you seem to have a good bit of. What you described with the 2nd one sounds like it could turn almost psychotic, the calm before the storm.

[awkwardlyyours]

OP -- the thing that stood out to me about your post was how much value you place on your dynamic with your therapists in having therapy work for you but how little (at least from whatever you've posted on here) it seems you've brought it up with them.

In your shoes, I'd talk about that more than anything else and it sounds like T2 might be better trained to handle it.

[Rive.]

Training-wise, T1 sounds better on paper. However, having read your situation with each of these Ts and to answer your question..

I would stick with T2 as it would work (for me) to have someone who got me so scarily accurately by being so tuned in to me.

The lack of transference and wanting to show my best face to T2 would also help me be more... honest. Which seems to be something you can't do with T1.

Finally, I believe that feeling better will, in the long run, spill over onto taking action and hence, do better. This is why I would go for T2.

[mirak]

Thank you for your input, everyone. I like the idea of seeing both every other week, that might really work for me. I need both the kick in the pants that helps with everyday functioning which I got from T1, and the deeper work + lack of abandonment fear I get from T2.

To answer some questions here:

1. Terminated with T1 because they began to suggest that I was feeling more stable, had got through my crisis, and maybe we should ramp down session frequency. This was 1 year into therapy (my first time ever) and about 6 months after I left a marriage featuring rape and other fun stuff. I absolutely panicked, I did NOT feel done with therapy, I was still struggling with depression and PTSD and abandonment issues obviously. I was honest about this to T1 but they responded by saying it would be therapeutic for me to feel less dependent on them. That was it for me, I couldn't bear for them to think I was dependent. I said, whoa, I don't feel like I can't do without therapy, I'm not lacking in confidence, thanks for the great work and help. The termination was warm and amicable, but I was also pretty gutted by it for three-four weeks after. Then I started with T2 for help with continuing depression and PTSD symptoms.

2. With T2 I have not yet been able to open up about the termination with T1. I'm a coward, whelp. But I'm honest about everything else, including my frustration with my failures in day to day functioning. T2 is much less talky and is more interested in probing or letting me talk than exploring practical solutions.

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Okay, follow up question:

Do I tell both Ts that I am also working with someone else if I choose the "both" option?? I can't imagine being able to do that. Yes, I know, I have Issues with a capital I, this makes me feel like I'd be hurting the feelings and I just can't get past that. I know I wouldn't be doing anything wrong so I'm fine with DOING it. But it's soooo uncomfortable to tell them!

[satsuma]

I personally would go with T1 because that is my personal preference regarding therapy- I like it to be collaborative and have explicit aims and for us both to know what we are working on and discuss it often. So T1 would sound better suited for me. I would not like to work with a T who was quieter as in the psychodynamic model you describe. (I've never actually had psychodynamic therapy but I don't think it would suite me from what I understand about it.)

Those are my preferences but obviously OP the important thing for you to consider is YOUR preferences!

Regarding the situation with T1 where you held things back for fear of them thinking badly of you and didn't say how you really felt regarding termination, I think it would be really important to be brave and be honest about those things. If T1 reacted well then it would really strengthen the therepeutic relationship and lead to big progress in therapy and life IMO. That is speaking from my own experience. If they didn't react well then perhaps they are not really the best therapist.

Good luck with whatever you decide. In a way I guess it's a nice position to have a choice of two potential therapists who both have their good points. Also it's probably given you some helpful perspective by sampling two different therapists and types of therapy. I hope all works out well with the one you stay with in the end.

[NP_Complete]

I'm really surprised that T1 would think you were ready to quit therapy just 6 months out of an abusive marriage. I'm in a similar situation and my therapist has told me he's in it for the long haul, but he also sounds more like your T2. He realizes that it will take some time to recover from my experiences and I would think it will for you too.

[mirak]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who wanted/needed two therapists, but it turns out it is exceptionally helpful. One is very good at helping me with assertiveness and relationships, and the other is good at helping me with trauma and ED stuff.

Do both your therapists know you're seeing the other? Is that an awkward conversation? How did you navigate this?

To me it feels nigh impossible to be open about seeing two therapists at the same time, idk, I feel like I'd be saying "You aren't good enough," to both.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by mirak

I absolutely panicked, I did NOT feel done with therapy, I was still struggling with depression and PTSD and abandonment issues obviously. I was honest about this to T1 but they responded by saying it would be therapeutic for me to feel less dependent on them.

This is one reason I will never do therapy again. Provoke dependency --> trigger abandonment fears --> forced/autocratic termination --> abandonment fears realized. I found this dynamic really really twisted.

What jumps out at me re: your original post is that you wrote more under "Minuses", for both therapists, than any other area.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by mirak

Do both your therapists know you're seeing the other? Is that an awkward conversation? How did you navigate this?

To me it feels nigh impossible to be open about seeing two therapists at the same time, idk, I feel like I'd be saying "You aren't good enough," to both.

I saw 2 for about 5.5 years. It was the only way any of it would have been tolerable to me. The truth is -neither was good enough alone. They both professed to be psychodynamic but one was useful for some things and the other was useful for other things. I never talked about one to the other - that was not my point in hiring them.

[mirak]

Originally Posted by BudFox

What jumps out at me re: your original post is that you wrote more under "Minuses", for both therapists, than any other area.

What was it Tolstoy said, that happy families are all alike, but unhappy families are each unhappy in their own particular ways. Something like that?

Truth is, I've been lucky that both therapists have worked very well for me. The first one, I wouldn't have left my abusive marriage without their help! Self protection was made possible there. The second one is giving me so much in terms of feeling seen, understood, and reflected in their eyes.. self knowledge is valuable too.

I'm sorry that you've had such a bad experience in therapy. It SUCKS to have the dependency activated and then get forced into termination. It was awful for me and it must have been even worse for you. Hugs!