I find reoccurring themes coming through here.....

Clients feeling boundaries suddenly change, mixed messages are given etc....

Has your t or an ex t ever made you feel like you had a 'special relationship'? That you were special to them?

Im really curious how many people feel this way

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T says that if I feel "special" then that's what's important. I feel my relationship is special with her. But... I also believe she treats most her clients the same. I know that anything she's done for me, she'll do for her other clients and vice versa.

[Amyjay]

I think this is a very hard thing to quantify. How do you separate out objective observable behavior from subjective experience?
What I mean is .. a client that has an internal need to feel special to the therapist (I am not being judgy about that at all, some people have a genuine need for that) will interpret the therapists actions through that lens.
A client who has a dismissive attachment style might interpret the same objective T behavior in a very different way.
Some therapists likely do actively try to make their clients think and feel their relationship is special. Again different clients would interpret the same behaviors differently.
I am just pointing out that it will be impossible to tell which "side" the intention and experience of the specialness of the relationship is coming from. For some people who respond yes it will be purely the therapists action, for some it will be purely the clients interpretation, and for others it will be a mixture of both.

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I think this is a very hard thing to quantify. How do you separate out objective observable behavior from subjective experience?
What I mean is .. a client that has an internal need to feel special to the therapist (I am not being judgy about that at all, some people have a genuine need for that) will interpret the therapists actions through that lens.
A client who has a dismissive attachment style might interpret the same objective T behavior in a very different way.
Some therapists likely do actively try to make their clients think and feel their relationship is special. Again different clients would interpret the same behaviors differently.
I am just pointing out that it will be impossible to tell which "side" the intention and experience of the specialness of the relationship is coming from. For some people who respond yes it will be purely the therapists action, for some it will be purely the clients interpretation, and for others it will be a mixture of both.

I am meaning this in a simple way. Does your t make you feel x y z or not? Are there any mixed feelings? This question could be quite complex if you want to analyse it deeply but so can most questions.

[MoxieDoxie]

I feel I have a platonic relationship with my ex-T. We have spent time on the phone discussing his issues and just life and was not centered around me. I feel privileged that he trusted me that way. We live in different states now and I have not been in therapy with him for 3 yrs.

[junkDNA]

Yes he did make me feel special, especially the first few years.

I tend to think it's not a good thing for a t to make a client feel like they're special (because of the potential of them feeling hurt because ultimately it is a working relationship) and I tend to think my t is awesome and ethical, so I kind of want to tick no and feel satisfied that, as usual, I think my T is awesome. But actually, he has made made me feel I am special. He said it is rare to work at this level of depth and he finds working with me rewarding. When I moved away he said "I'm not ready for you to leave" which I never would have expected him to say in a million years. So I'm really ambivalent about this question! Head says no, heart says yes.

[growlycat]

Yes he makes me feel special. The mixed feelings come from not knowing what meaning it holds for him exactly. Does he just forget himself sometimes and treats me like a friend? Do we just overidentify with each others’ experiences? I think I make him feel special too and maybe that’s where we need to be careful.

[toomanycats]

yes, my exT did. does. did. idk.

[LonesomeTonight]

I answered for my marriage counselor: "Yes, but they give me mixed messages about it." He did lots of things that made me feel special--mostly involving individual outside contact, including e-mail, some texting, occasional some phone calls (some lasting 30 minutes or more), never charging me for that. And there was just something about the way he talked to me and interacted with me that made me feel special (it's hard to explain, just a feeling). Yet once when I talked to him about wanting to feel special to him, he said how all of his clients are special, that he cares about each of them the same. And he was inconsistent in his boundaries, sometimes saying that he had to stay consistent to his role as a couples counselor.

All that came to a head during a falling out/rupture we had in December, during which he was basically gaslighting me, claiming that he'd always been consistent with couples vs. individual boundaries, and I replied by saying his boundaries had been "wildly inconsistent," which led to him getting very defensive and ultimately saying I had to reduce outside contact.

Current T, on the other hand, makes it very clear that I am his job, that we have a business relationship. He has fairly clear, consistent boundaries, like not allowing phone calls, text only for scheduling, and charging for e-mails that take him more than 15 minutes to read/respond to (though his couple responses he charged for were very long and thorough). That way, I'm still paying him for his time, and, as he put it, it's not like he's doing me a favor, it's part of his job. Same with extra sessions, which he allows. Of course part of me wants to feel special, but after the experience with MC, T's consistent boundaries make me feel much safer (I can't really say "secure" since I have insecure attachment in general).

My T does not make me feel special.

[alpacalicious]

With my ex T I felt like I had known him before, and during the first session I felt like I wanted to be with him forever. I think I was delusional, started to think that me and him met in past lives or that there was a soulmate connection. I think because he listened a lot to me (well that's what Ts do xD) and gave me all his attention...

[ElectricManatee]

I know you're looking for simple responses but "special" is sort of a loaded word. My T has told me that I am special to her, after I indicated once that I wished I was. My interpretation of what she meant is that she sees what is good and healthy and normal inside me, what it is about me and the way I exist in the world that makes me unique and worth caring about. I think she could have done that annoying therapisty "I think all my clients are special" thing (because it would likely be true based on that definition), but it means everything to me that she didn't. So yes, I think I am special to her, but I have no worries that me being special will lead to her blurring boundaries or hurting me.

She has also said that she appreciates and values the depth I am capable of working at. I feel really good about that and reassured that that's part of the reason when therapy wrecks me for days afterwards sometimes. But I don't know if that makes me special. I think it's more about the unique dynamic and possibilities that emerge between her and me when we're both putting as much as we can into the relationship.

[DP_2017]

yes he has and while i love it, it also messes with my head and causes me so much pain at times

[AllHeart]

Ex-t and I had a special relationship (her words)-- an outside, platonic, close friendship.

Nothing special about the relationship I have with t.

[MRT6211]

T makes me feel special because I also take groups with her and during the groups with her, she teases me a lot (in a fun way and I give it right back), and she doesn’t usually do that as much with other people. Since she started doing that, though, I feel myself getting increasingly jealous if she does have a positive interaction with someone else in front of me. I’m trying to check myself on that and know that she can have good relationships with others and still see our relationship as special.
The mixed messages for me come when sometimes we’ll be teasing each other and I’ll say something to the effect of “what would you do without me around?” And she’s like “oh, believe me, I’ve got plenty to deal with outside of you” or something like that.

[stopdog]

No - for me I don't think the woman could have done such a thing. I had no reason to want to be special to the therapist I hired. They were not special or personal to me.

[JaneTennison1]

Yes yes yes. T1 would break her boundaries all the time and it always seemed like I was "special" Then she would tighten them up again and I would feel terrible. An example would be that a few times she mentioned other clients. No privacy breaches just things like saying marriage counselling could be hard or other little things. Then one day it was more "other clients never email me. Idk why you do" and another day I asked a generic question only to get snapped "I'm not discussing other clients with you" as if I had broken a rule.

Special relationships gross me out. That rule bending only led me to therapy problems

[Thalassophile]

My T makes me feel important in the therapy hour. I guess within that hour I often feel 'special' but I don't think I am any more 'special' to him than his other clients. He often sends ambiguous messages that can easily mean different things depending on what way I take them which is frustrating. It is often like he is walking a fine line between wanting me to feel 'special' and cared for etc whilst also making sure I don't feel 'too' special or like he is doing anything for me that he wouldn't do for his other clients. Not sure that makes sense but I do find it frustrating.

[nottrustin]

No. Does she make me feel like she cares and is there foe me as a therapist? Yes. I don't feel she cares about more than other clients. I suspect she shares more with me than some other clients not because I am special but because we have worked together a long time and built a rapport.

[zoiecat]

No and I am glad. Does he give me his undivided attention and treat me with respect and tenderness, yes. Does he empathize with the severity of my childhood abuse and neglect, yes. Does he try to make me feel that I am "special" to him making me think he will do things for me that he would not do for anyone else, or likes or cares for me more than other clients, no.

I think any T who tries to make a client feel "special" gives the impression that they care more for that client over others. From what I have observed on this board, this is highly detrimental to the client. Holding clear boundaries encourages the client to see the relationship for what it is and concentrate on their issues and self-healing rather than the "special" relationship with the T.

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I think this is a very hard thing to quantify. How do you separate out objective observable behavior from subjective experience?
What I mean is .. a client that has an internal need to feel special to the therapist (I am not being judgy about that at all, some people have a genuine need for that) will interpret the therapists actions through that lens.
A client who has a dismissive attachment style might interpret the same objective T behavior in a very different way.
Some therapists likely do actively try to make their clients think and feel their relationship is special. Again different clients would interpret the same behaviors differently.
I am just pointing out that it will be impossible to tell which "side" the intention and experience of the specialness of the relationship is coming from. For some people who respond yes it will be purely the therapists action, for some it will be purely the clients interpretation, and for others it will be a mixture of both.

This! . . ..

[healinginprogress]

Yes, she does. I try to temper myself because if I don't I would get too attached. I do think I am special though to her and I think therapeutically that's a very good thing for me. It helps me trust her and helps my self esteem and confidence. I also don't think she does anything for me that she wouldn't do for her other clients, but I do think there's a different intention. ::shrug:: Maybe I'm just projecting. 🙂

[fille_folle]

I had/have a special relationship with my previous T. We worked together for 12 years, so that's not surprising. I doubt she worked with anyone else that long. When I say "special," I mean that I think she cares about me more/differently than her other clients.

As for my current T, I do not think I am special to her.

[AnnaBegins]

He did but...lately he's been doing things that make me feel like I was fooling myself the whole time thinking he actually cared about me.