[ECHOES]

I suppose if I'm going to have meltdowns every week, I should just copy and paste to make my post, huh?

Oh I had a doozy of a meltdown Thursday night. I hardly even recognize the person I was that night. It started because of a sweet little boy. Tuesday when T came out to get me from the waiting room she came with a bubbly, chatty, cute little boy about 5, delivering him to Dad in the waiting room. She had a dress on again after having worn slacks for a few weeks (I had told her how her wearing a dress/skirt stirs up strong feelings/thoughts of wanting mothering/nuturing/comforting/holding. I thought she switched to slacks because I told her that!) So, there she was looking like a loving, caring mother to this cute little child.

sigh

I told her right away at the beginning of the session that it made me jealous to see him or him with her, and we talked about it.

Thursday at work I started thinking about it and couldn't stop, feeling worse and worse, as if he 'had' her and I didn't; as if she had rejected me for him. By evening I was on the phone to her, frantic! Needing to talk to her, connect with her. She called me back, we talked and when she was going to go I said, "Please don't go!". So we talked a little more. She was on her way home so she didn't get the other 2 pleading wailing messages that I left... I was so embarrassed but couldn't stop myself and it was as if I had feelings and no words for them. When she got to the office and got my messages Friday morning, she called me at work to tell me she'd call me later because she knows I can't talk at work since I sit out in the open.. She did call later like she said she would and we talked some about what happened and she said we will work on how to hold onto good feelings when she's not there.

I told her that I normally do not let a T see this part of me, and I think I knew I needed to make those calls so she could see me this way because I know I can't work through it if I try to hide it. She very much agrees.

Again, she told me that "it's part of the process" when I say I'm embarrassed and that I'm afraid this will make her want to send me packing. It's reassuring to hear that, "It's part of the process." and to hear her being so calm and accepting, even when I'm in this barely recognizable state.

It's weird looking back, after the comfort and reassurance grounds me. She's talked about early childhood and infancy and I keep thinking that when this happens it's like a regression to nearly the pre-verbal state. It matches a fantasy I have sometimes in session; when she leans toward me (there's about 3 feet between us) and she does this when she's being very gentle and tender.... I have the image of a baby reaching out to a person leaning toward it. You know, like when you talk to a baby in a stroller or shopping cart, and they reach out for you. Like that.

I don't see her again til Thursday . I have to have an EGD done on Tuesday my regular day for T.

There's a lot about this to talk about with her, even more than I've said here. I think, as embarrassing as it was / is, it will be an interesting session and a good thing to have happened.

I'm almost afraid to post this because I don't want you all to think I'm just a big baby, even if that's what I am right now.

[MissCharlotte]

Isn't it wonderful how close you two are, that she can soothe you like she does?

She is soo responsive. Hold onto that feeling you had when she called you back and you felt better. (If you can, I know it's hard for me).

Showing T our inner child is not an easy thing to do. I do believe it's necessary, and yet when our adult self sees us acting like that we feel embarrassed. Darn our adult selves. I wish we all had the trust of an innocent child without the burden of the adult self who has lived through shame.

Be well. Good stuff.

Hey are you sure it wasn't that kid from Pink's T's office? The one with the crayons?

[Perna]

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sister said:
Hey are you sure it wasn't that kid from Pink's T's office? The one with the crayons?

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Bet it's a conspiracy; they all trade the same kid. My T wasn't comparing me to her grandchildren, it was to this kid!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( ECHOES ))))))))))))

[sunrise]

ECHOES, that sounds so hard. And your T sounds so comforting and there for you. She is really, really good about calling you back on the phone (I am jealous). I loved your image of the baby reaching out when someone leans over the stroller. And being in the pre-verbal state. I think that is what you need right now in therapy, to go back to an early time and have your needs met. It's OK. I remember only the second session with my T, we did some EMDR and went back to my infancy and I let out the most pre-verbal sob, deep from my soul, and it was like, whoa, where did that come from? (And I thought he was a magician to be able to lead me back in time and evoke that from me when I hardly knew him.) It's what we need sometimes, and it's OK. That was so healing for me, especially when he showed me how to sooth and care for that infant. I won't forget that. I hope you will continue learning from your marvelous T.

Good luck with your EGD. I don't know what that is, but you had a sad smiley to go with it, so I hope it goes well.

[Perna]

Surely you know what an EGD is, Sunrise? It's an Esophagogastroduodenoscopy! LOL, gee, wonder why they use the initials?

Does not sound fun Echoes! Kind of a colonoscopy in reverse? I'll be thinking of you.

Neat you were able to keep working with your T and getting her support and comfort. I hope it will be okay with you and you will "enjoy" the cleverness of how you handled the situation.

[ECHOES]

oh much better than the colonoscopy, Perna. all I have to do is not eat/drink after midnight.

[ECHOES]

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Hey are you sure it wasn't that kid from Pink's T's office? The one with the crayons?

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Ha!!

Did I mention that I had to look the kid's stinkin' paint brushes soaking in a jar on her desk during the session? Hey-- I can paint but she never asks ME!? Maybe I'll show up wearing an artist's smock...

[ECHOES]

((( Fuzzy ))) (((( thank you! ))))

[ECHOES]

Thanks sunrise,

Yes, I know what you mean about the sob ((( sunrise ))). I look forward to learning how to self comfort and soothe that part of me.

I think the EMDR sounds interesting. As I go along, I have noticed that many times I am able to think and explore when I'm doing other things, like work or crocheting. Trouble is, it doesn't always stay with me.. I lose it.

What you experienced with him and the EMDR sounds very healing. It's good that you had a level of trust that you could do that with him. He sounds very good at so many things!