I canceled a session

Ugh. I just cancelled my post vacation therapy session and I’m not sure why. I think I’m trying to prove to myself that I’m not needy and don’t really need anything from T. Problem is, I’m not sure I wanted to cancel. Therapy is making me feel crazy and immature. Has anyone else cancelled appointments just to make a point?

I've never done this but I've contemplated it often. I do feel crazy (stupid attachment) and I get emotionally exhausted but I think I keep going because I'd worry I'd regret it and he is my only happiness during the week really.... I get why you might though, maybe fear of getting to close or something? Can you un-cancel?

I might try to uncancel but I’m not quite there yet. I have this whole push/pull dynamic going on and it’s taken on a life of its own. I’m trying to understand it intellectually and usually I am able to make myself go, but I also have an overwhelming urge to prove that I’m not needy. My thought process was that if I could go without seeing him for 2 weeks, then maybe I could do 3 weeks. Seems sort of crazy when I put it in writing. I just feel so much guilt and shame over getting anything from T. So much so, that I need to prove that I don’t really need it.

Wow that sounds a lot like me. I'm fighting to be needy too, and I am refusing to allow myself to contact him for anything outside session anymore even though I can. I also am debating if I should "give him a break" and take longer than a week off. I want to run but I like him enough to stay, it sucks

This sounds like something to discuss with your therapist.

I can totally relate! Now, how do we make the push/pull dynamic go away? I’m guessing the answer is to show up and talk about it, but it’s not always that simple for me.

I have tried. In fact, I probably sound like a broken record to my T. I’m just not sure how else to say it. Maybe that’s why I’m trying to show it by cancelling.

Showing up and talking about it is rarely simple; that's what makes therapy so hard.

I have done exactly this. I went 3 weeks when he was on vacation and then I figured well I was fine for 3 weeks, I can do another one. I did find a reason but I think it was an excuse and it was more about proving that I don't need him. Not sure it it was to make a point because I've never discussed it with him but I think I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn't needy. Turns out I am cause I had hard time that last week. I don't really know why I did that and I'm pretty sure I did that more than once and certainly have thought about it a lot more. Good to know I'm not alone.