The journey to termination.

If I had been told at the start of therapy, that going through the process would add layers to my "distress" in terms of the actual T relationship, that there would be times where my longingness to have T in my life forever would cause such pain, the at times, terror of contemplating ending, the confusing feelings of closeness / connection, but also being held at arms length between sessions (boundaries!), I probably would never have started.

After 8 years, we have now "terminated" (hate that word). I had tried to stop many times over the last few years, but failed; this time it feels different. Although I still wish I could continue to see T, I am not overwhelmed by the thought and current reality of not seeing T again.

And now despite all the really difficult times, I am glad that prior to starting, I did not know the turmoil I would go through and that I did engage in therapy.

I now see the painful feelings I experienced as part of the "problem", the actual reason why it was important for me to go through the process. The pain, longingness for T, were actually the symptoms and I had to experience them to work through them and emerge the other side.

I understand the importance of the boundaries, however hard they were at times. Therapy is not easy, damn hard at times, but the process wasn't about developing dependence on T (although this was maybe an unavoidable "side effect"), but instead to develop independence. I see that although it would have been so comforting and safe to be "held" by T forever, that would never have helped my personal growth and ultimately that was the aim of therapy, although I did not know that at the time when I was in greatest despair.

I do not think I am done yet, in terms of my personal development / growth, but envisage starting with a new T and to have a different " relationship" with this one. One where I am more self assured, more in control, better able to direct my own growth, rather than leaning on T. I equate it to being at nursery school, relying on the care givers to look after me and now progressing to University, where I still need to learn, but don't need the same level of intense care. And realising that my first T could never be the one to take me further, no more than a kindergarten teacher could help me graduate from University. The dynamics of the relationship would have to change to achieve that and I couldn't see T in a different way, I would always be seeking that nurturance, from that "younger" place.

I am writing this, to highlight, that I can relate to all those difficult places that we can find ourselves when going through therapy. The sadness, anxiety, perceived rejection, pain, anger, confusion, for me I don't see it as T who "caused" these feelings, but instead something in me, that needed time to grow. These feelings were for me, the reasons why I needed to continue and not the reasons to stop.

Thank you so much for this. I hope that one day I may feel the way you do. At the moment I’m terrified by the possibility of having to give my T up before I’m ready and when I’m in the midst of emotional dependence on him. I’ve only been in therapy for five months, but it’s good to know that that others have had similar experiences.

I hope you are able to continue for as long as you need to. I so remember that terror and while rationally, I knew it would be good to talk to T about it, there was also deep shame that stopped me.

Thank you for sharing your story. I started a second round of therapy and am still in it, after a 15 year break. I did approach the second round with more self assurance and I think that served me well, because it did enable me to take control and I do have a different relationship with this T than I did with my others. It is way less transfer-y and focused on them and much more focused on where I want to go in my life. It just works better for the reasons I went to therapy.

Thank-you too for sharing your experience. It is encouraging for me to hear that for you this second round with a T is different.

I wonder if working through the transference stuff is an important part of therapy, to enable a different perspective going forwards.

Good luck!

So you became close to your therapist?

I was in a difficult place when I started therapy. My therapist was so important to me in just making it through each week. So I don't feel I became close in the same way I might get close to someone in my life away from therapy, but I did feel dependent on my T to take care of me / to be there for me, while I was unable to take care of myself.

Guess we're all different, but in my case therapy did cause all of those adverse effects, directly and unequivocally. There was nothing inevitable about the experience and there was no latent growth I needed to cultivate in therapy. It was a giant dysfunctional mind game and the healthiest thing was to reject it on my terms, after serious critical inquiry. Termination was a mess, getting there was no journey, and continuing would have been no journey either. Not trying to be negative, just offering up another perspective.

Your post opened a tiny path for me today to help me work to finish one last major hurdle. Thank you for your post, SD.

I guess we all have different internal world's / experiences / perspectives / perceptions, so happy to hear your perspective.

I was previously reliant on others, so for me, owning my reactions to my therapy experience, gave me power, rather than letting my T own that power. And I was able to get to a place of being more self contained / self reliant. Maybe there isn't a right or wrong, but a path of least resistance, one that brings us a more comfortable existence and maybe that is different for everyone.

I am sorry you had such a difficult experience with your T.

Thank-you AttachmentBueno. Good luck!

((((((( Soup )))))))

Somehow I missed this when you first posted it. But thank you SO much for sharing. It is helpful to me, while t and I are working through why I feel like I can't leave her.

Thanks so much for your post. Although everybody's experience is their own and individual, I really appreciated reading about what your experience has been for you. Thank you for posting about it.