[growlycat]

Hooray for another rupture today only over the phone.

I told Kashi about this forum. Today we had a rupture over the word “love “ in therapy. He will not use the word towards clients as in “I love you”. I imagine most therapists do not and would not. But in my case it hurts terribly as my long term t told me on many occasions that he loved me, even in front of my parents when I was very young in family therapy. He said it a few times before over the years and it saved my life. Long term t is only marginally and occasionally in my life and it hurts

I feel like I hit the crux of my problem. I need to really know the person sitting across from me that I am so vulnerable with really loves me. Not “feels warmly” or somet watered down bs. I need to feel love.

T says it is a hard boundary for him and he never says it to patients. He wouldn’t say if he FEELS it towards patients and just does not say it.

Would like be your thoughts on this. I’m guessing you are mostly going to think I’m nuts for needing or expecting this is any way.

Kashi pretty much dared me to ask this community so I’m making a poll

[awkwardlyyours]

I find Kashi's sudden interest in adhering to "boundaries" so rich that I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to roast his ******* ****** arse.

(Sorry, this is just such manipulative BS, I'm surprised the dude ever managed to get a licence.)

[DP_2017]

Well, for me... I would flip out... and not in a good way. I wouldn't quit or anything but I would 10000% not believe him and it would shake my trust. I do not believe for one moment ANYONE can truly love me... T included... so I'm glad he has never said it. I hope he never does.

I haven't "said" it out loud but I told him via note that I loved him.... he handled it well... but I still feel seriously ill over those feelings, like I just wanna run away.

I think it's dumb how so many "Rules" of therapy prevent T's from being more genuine when in a lot of cases, such a thing might make a client's world. It could change them from feeling worthless and whatever to feeling like they matter

I might actually want or love my T to say it if I didn't already believe I'm unlovable unless its a dog.

So no my T never has, I think it's a stupid rule they can't. they should be allowed to say it if they wish, love doesn't always mean romance. There is nothing "horrible" about loving someone, only rules of therapy make it feel such.

I am sorry this happened, but for me it wouldn't be a reason to walk.... however if you need it, I get that but sadly I don't think there is many T's out there who would ever give this to you So you may keep blinding chasing something you can't find, even thought your former T did

I am glad he talked to you on the phone, did it help at all?

[unaluna]

Yeah i voted yes. I think we have sibling transference

Eta - but i think i waz still hankster the last time it was mentioned.

[precaryous]

T and I just talked about this (again.)
No, she would never say it, especially to me since I was previously ‘exploited.’

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Well, for me... I would flip out... and not in a good way. I wouldn't quit or anything but I would 10000% not believe him and it would shake my trust. I do not believe for one moment ANYONE can truly love me... T included... so I'm glad he has never said it. I hope he never does.

I haven't "said" it out loud but I told him via note that I loved him.... he handled it well... but I still feel seriously ill over those feelings, like I just wanna run away.

I think it's dumb how so many "Rules" of therapy prevent T's from being more genuine when in a lot of cases, such a thing might make a client's world. It could change them from feeling worthless and whatever to feeling like they matter

I might actually want or love my T to say it if I didn't already believe I'm unlovable unless its a dog.

So no my T never has, I think it's a stupid rule they can't. they should be allowed to say it if they wish, love doesn't always mean romance. There is nothing "horrible" about loving someone, only rules of therapy make it feel such.

I am sorry this happened, but for me it wouldn't be a reason to walk.... however if you need it, I get that but sadly I don't think there is many T's out there who would ever give this to you So you may keep blinding chasing something you can't find, even thought your former T did

I am glad he talked to you on the phone, did it help at all?

His call was helping a lot until it took this dark turn.
I went from feeling comforted to feeling outright rejected in less than five minutes. It feels destabilizing and scary. I don’t know if this is an impasse I can get beyond.

[maybeblue]

I'm having a hard time believing my therapist doesn't actively despise me right now. I'm pretty sure he would never say the "love" word.

However, I have noticed from other relationships that some people say the word easily and can apply it to multiple different relationships, including friends, siblings, romantic partners, pets, etc. But other people seem to have a real problem with saying it. I don't think I ever heard my husband tell his mother that he loved her, but I know that he did.

I guess I'm saying that just because people don't/can't say the word, that doesn't mean that they don't feel it.

[NP_Complete]

I voted other. My therapist has talked about therapy being a place where clients can feel loved. He's said I'm not unlovable. He's said he likes me. He's read something I wrote where I said I felt love for him, which made me really uncomfortable for him to know, and he didn't comment on it. So, no he hasn't said those words, but the concept of love has been floated in the room, if that makes any sense.

[DP_2017]

Growly...I'm sorry. You know our T's were very similar, so in a way this scares me... but I get your feelings.

I know the rejected feeling, my T managed to do that 2x in 1 month, LOL... yet here I am, still crazy attached. Sigh....

Anyway, no matter what you choose, I am here for you. Sending you hugs

[stopdog]

I have no idea what the woman did with other clients and had she ever said it to me, I would have taken it as a sign she was suffering from a stroke or dementia.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have no idea what the woman did with other clients and had she ever said it to me, I would have taken it as a sign she was suffering from a stroke or dementia.

Hilarious

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Hooray for another rupture today only over the phone.

I told Kashi about this forum. Today we had a rupture over the word “love “ in therapy. He will not use the word towards clients as in “I love you”. I imagine most therapists do not and would not. But in my case it hurts terribly as my long term t told me on many occasions that he loved me, even in front of my parents when I was very young in family therapy. He said it a few times before over the years and it saved my life. Long term t is only marginally and occasionally in my life and it hurts

I feel like I hit the crux of my problem. I need to really know the person sitting across from me that I am so vulnerable with really loves me. Not “feels warmly” or somet watered down bs. I need to feel love.

T says it is a hard boundary for him and he never says it to patients. He wouldn’t say if he FEELS it towards patients and just does not say it.

Would like be your thoughts on this. I’m guessing you are mostly going to think I’m nuts for needing or expecting this is any way.

Kashi pretty much dared me to ask this community so I’m making a poll

My T will not allow it- he has epic boundaries.He thinks there is no real relationship, just the mirage of one.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T says she only uses the word love with her H and daughter. I guess her friends and extended family don't even hear "love" from her? And she basically told me that she doesn't love her clients and she doesn't love me. However...when she asked me my definition of love, she said she does care and is willing to make sacrifices for me, just not to the degree I would with her.

[maybeblue]

I wonder if your long term therapist would have had an easier time saying it because you were so young when you started seeing him. It would seem much more like paternal love then. I can imagine that a male therapist might be worried about saying it to an adult female client because she might misinterpret that as "I love you romantically," or "I want to have sex with you." I'm not saying that you would think that about your therapist, but I could see that he might be overly cautious.

[ruh roh]

I'm sorry he disappointed you with this, growly. I don't think you're nuts for wanting this.

I'm not going to dance to kashi's tune with answering a poll, so I'll just say that you have a right to feel as comfortable and safe as you need to feel with a therapist.

For me, that's feeling as though my emotions are not being toyed with under the guise of therapy, that my therapist shows respect to me and her other clients by not talking about any of us to each other, and that overall I don't feel disliked or rejected. (I ran up against this last one over the cold issue of a couple weeks ago.) This may or may not equate love in your view, or even in my therapist's view, but it's what I need in order to explore my own issues with someone I will never really know.

[MobiusPsyche]

My T will not say it to clients because of the power imbalance. Her loving a client is very different from a client loving her.

I believe she loves me but she just won't say it. I've become okay with it because everything she does is loving and caring. I don't think I could handle it well if that wasn't the case.

I'm sorry this has happened, growly.

[healinginprogress]

I voted other. I can't remember if she's ever said she loves me but we've danced around it. I know I've said it to her in writing. I would cherish it if she said it because I would believe her wholely.

[Argonautomobile]

I would punch Beavers in the face if he used that word. Hell, I'd punch him for even thinking it. Yuck!

But I don't think you're crazy for wanting it. I hope you and Kashi can get past this rupture.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I wonder if your long term therapist would have had an easier time saying it because you were so young when you started seeing him. It would seem much more like paternal love then. I can imagine that a male therapist might be worried about saying it to an adult female client because she might misinterpret that as "I love you romantically," or "I want to have sex with you." I'm not saying that you would think that about your therapist, but I could see that he might be overly cautious.

I agree with you and how sad is the world that this is the case... people can't just love each other without some sexual or romantic undertone.

This is the big reason I nearly walked out after giving my T the note about loving him and how I almost threw up in session. I thought he would take it this way and thankfully he didn't.

[LonesomeTonight]

Ex-T basically said it to me after I said it to her--talking about the weirdness of the therapeutic relationship and how I understood she couldn't reciprocate, and she was like, "Not that I don't love you, too." MC--no, and seemed weird the few times I told him I loved him (particularly this last time in December--led to rupture). I suspect it's a boundary for him with clients in general. Current T--no, though it would be kind of weird if he had because it hasn't even been 6 months (I'm not even to the love stage yet!). He seems the type to have it as a boundary that he wouldn't say that to his clients, as he has fairly strong boundaries in general (and he doesn't hug). No way am I asking him about it though.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

My T will not allow it- he has epic boundaries.He thinks there is no real relationship, just the mirage of one.

That makes me so sad. Half the time I'm not sure what the hell is going on with me and my therapist, but at least I feel it's real, at least in the room.

[velcro003]

I put "not sure on T's stance," because I have no idea. I don't even WANT to know her thoughts on it, nor has it ever come up as an issue for me, but I apparently am her only client who curls up into a small ball on the farthest end of her couch while hiding under a pillow every week. Sooo.....there ya go.

I've told my T I love her several times... and also told my definition of love. According to my definition...she does love me. She never said the words but said she does feel all the ingredients making up my definition.

[growlycat]

I said I wasn’t sure I could come to my appointment this week because this issue feels like a devastating rupture, a complete dealbreaker. He did say come in I think I can show you something that will change your mind. I’m not sure if it a ruse or he thinks whatever it is will put me at ease. I’m really anxious about everything falling apartb

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I said I wasn’t sure I could come to my appointment this week because this issue feels like a devastating rupture, a complete dealbreaker. He did say come in I think I can show you something that will change your mind. I’m not sure if it a ruse or he thinks whatever it is will put me at ease. I’m really anxious about everything falling apartb

Wow I have such a dirty mind, I giggled at the show you something thing... but I'm confident it's not that, just me being me.

Are you gonna try it still or have you not decided? He's really fighting for you, interesting, because I don't think many T's would. I know mine wouldn't.