[justpassingby]

I'm really interested in learning about this feeling or behavior whichever it is. I was told I have this toward my therapist, but I would like some simple explanation and anyone's opinion on why it happens. I started off having secret feelings of being with him and looked forward to all my visits with him. Then our phone conversations, to waiting for him to return from vacations. I started dreaming about him and having day dreams of being with him sexually. How screwed up am I? During one of my manic episodes I even went so far as to come on to him during one of our visits and tell him things I wanted to do. Was I embarrassed, No. However at our next appt I had to appologize which he was great and said he understand what it was and he didn't blame me. But he did turn beat red when I did it again and then asked for a hug. He's been totally professional, but I still have dreams about him and part of me thinks it could be some kind of love. So help me figure this out if you can. Oh by the way my marriage sucks.

[Perna]

We carry everyone we meet around with us. You know how someone reminds you of someone else? Well, that happens in a big, unconscious way with our big childhood figures. If you and your mom were always battling (like me and my stepmother) or your father ignored you (and you kept trying to get his attention), all that you felt when you were young and couldn't articulate it and it just became "understood" as how the world worked; well, the world doesn't necessarily work that way. You're not "stupid" like your father or teacher use to always say, or "worthless" like your mother claimed, etc. But you keep acting like that was true when you're around other people because that's all you "know" so far. It was ingrained into you. That's why we don't know too much about our T's; they're "blank" so we can't know they think we're stupid or worthless, etc. We're projecting or "transferring" what we were raised with onto them. Having a male therapist and being "in love" is the same as happened when females are 3 or 4 years old and "Daddy's girl". If Daddy wasn't a very good Daddy, we'll be afraid our T is disapproving, scary, or "bad" in some way, just like dear old Daddy. If mother didn't want us, was unavailable, we'll think T's don't want us, are unavailable.

My stepmother was very controlling, had "rules" for everything so I, consequently, kept trying to "make up" rules. I kept trying to make the world obey me (lots of luck with that! :-) instead of looking to see what the world had to show me. That included T. If she asked a question, she was "grilling" me, just like my stepmother use to. The world operated my way (I was very adamant, argumentative, "sure" of what I said) just like stepmother had insisted the world worked (for her). I had picked up my stepmother's anxiety and need for control and stuck it on top of my own shy/insecure nature and had a heck of a mess :-) I tried to pass this off on the rest of the world. T's because we don't know much of them, can see when this is happening because we don't have enough "information" or input form them to decide that they, themselves would reject us or hurt us or make us angry, etc. They say things like our parents (usually) said and %#@&#! us off or frighten us, etc. even though it's not our parents and the situation is totally different and we're adults now, not helpless children. We don't have to prove to our father that we can make it in the world, we don't have to get good grades in school (or resist getting good grades to spite them, like me) to please our mother.

[justpassingby]

Perma,

Thanks for all your valuable information. I guess I feel the way I do is because my T is so wonderful to me. He listens very attentively and never once made me feel bad for anything that I've said or done. He doesn't criticize me for my faults or symptoms and he shows he cares by his actions. He calls my pdoc who is not in his office and informs him when I'm not doing well and consults with him as if they worked together on my case. I hear that most T's and pdoc's don't usually do this due to lack of time. They sometimes spend 30-40 minutes discussing ways to help me get better. My pdoc even spends more time with me than I hear some do. That is rare itself. But I still feel very close to my T and trust him completely. I tell him the truth and never leave anything out. Where else can you find a man to listen to you and put you as # 1 at least for that hour. He's even called me back while he was on vacation with his family when I was in crisis mode. He really seems geuinely real and not just for the money. I guess I should feel pretty lucky and be satisfied with that. Thanks again so much for your input.

[Perna]

If your father was absent or didn't pay much attention to you as a little girl and your marriage isn't too good, etc. you're probably reflecting that in your relationship with your T. Dreams generally tell us about what issues we're working on unconsciously.

My mother died when I was 3 and I have 3 older brothers. For a year there where I was 3-4 I was in a household of 4 guys :-) Talk about killing your mother and marrying your father! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electra_complex

We're very complex and there's nothing "simple" about transference.

[RACEKA]

Thanks Perna. You've helped me also. Your 1st post brought tears to my eyes. When I think of my parents and then think of T I just want to cry. I've worked through addiction with T and now working on abuse from parents.

I am very attached to my T and I never saw it coming. I'm not in love with him, I just want him to be here for me forever. He just makes me feel so good. He doesn't remind me of anyone, but I do wish he was my father.

I just think this therapy stuff is weird.

[lauren_helene]

Raceka, I try and think of therapy as a 'wild ride' although, it does seem quite foreign to me much of the time.

Perna, you have great insights and I learn a lot from you. You are right, transference is not simple.

[RACEKA]

Almeda, I like that "a wild ride". No kidding!