[Qasd45]

I repressed my bisexuality throughout my teens and married a man. Since then I've become more honest with myself about my feelings and I'm struggling with regret over never exploring sex with women. I am not out to my husband. My issue is this doesn't feel totally right to me, something feels off about having to keep this a secret. Like I have to hide part of myself. I am concerned about the impact it might have on my marriage if I come clean, because of stereotypes about bisexuals. In addition, I know that attraction to other people doesn't go away when you're in a relationship, but I have a much easier time accepting and ignoring my attraction to other men whereas my attraction to women takes on more significance somehow. I'm committed to my marriage but feeling a bit confused and stuck in this situation. Should I bring it up with my therapist? I'm really not sure how they could help me here.

[weaverbeaver]

Sounds like you are really struggling with the repression and not your sexuality.
I would want to explore it with my t, about what’s it been like for you to hide this part of yourself but still have the yearnings and longings. It’s denying a huge part of you that won’t be repressed anymore.
You don’t have to run away with a woman but how about entertaining the idea of being with a woman instead of repressing and denying that part. It has been my experience that the more we deny certain feelings, the stronger and louder they become.

It was worth it for me. I'm married to a man now (for the past 20+ years) but have had relationships with women (3 in fact). I told t at some point during my first year in therapy with her; I don't even remember now why I chose to tell her when I did. I ended up telling her all about J (one of the 3 women) who was my first love. And we continue to talk about her from time to time. My h knows, I told him before we got married actually that I had had relationships with women in the past. I didn't really realize that I am bisexual though until after I started therapy with current t, I'd pretty much hidden that part of myself too, even from myself - because my parents found out about one of the women and threatened to disown me, so I pushed down that part of myself and married a man - but once I realized I am bi I did tell my h. He took it well and it hasn't been an issue. Not that we ever talk about it. But, it's good to be able to talk about it so openly with t. It helps. Especially in the area of, if I meet a woman that I am attracted to, it's pretty much the same thing as being attracted to another man. The significance isn't any greater, I acknowledge it to myself and move on. But I get what you mean - now that I think about it I think maybe that's what caused me to tell her actually - I had met a woman at a drumming circle that I was attracted to and I was afraid of seeing her again because it hurt so much, the feelings that stirred in me were so huge. T and I talk about it often enough that when I saw her again, the feelings weren't a problem anymore. I wish you all the best and if you decide to tell your t, I hope that she is as compassionate and accepting as my t is about it.

[ElectricManatee]

Your bisexuality might seem minor because you are married to a man (and presumably don't see yourself being able to have a sexual experience with a woman), but your sexuality is an important part of your personal identity, regardless of your relationship status. It also seems like it would be stressful to not be able to share that part of yourself with your husband, who is presumably a central figure in the sexual aspects of your life. I agree that denying feelings makes them stronger and louder, and that makes this an excellent topic to explore in therapy.

I think this is a good topic to discuss with a therapist. I am bisexual and have always been, never really had a "coming out" period, just grew into it during my adolescence naturally. Later, I found that I really identified with a queer gender identity. I have a tendency to be more drawn to men mentally but that's a different phenomenon... The way the bi thing manifests for me is not that I need both a man and a woman at all times, I more have periods when I am interested in one gender more, then the other, but primarily it's the individual not really their sex/gender - I am just physically interested in both.

It is a cliche but in my experience true: many (most?) men find women-women sexuality and relationships interesting and appealing. I personally never dated a man who did not and it does not just mean porn or threesomes - they tend to be quite curious about even just my feelings and experiences. If you have never brought it up to your husband, maybe discussing a book or movie with LGBTQ themes might be a good starter?

I definitely don't think one should suppress these kinds of interests, especially not in today's society that's so open to them. For me, it is not a minor thing, my gender identity and sexual orientation are big parts of who I am.

It is definitely worth bringing up. I avoided the topic for a lot time with my T because I was unsure of how she would respond. Only a handful of people know that I am bisexual and I am weary of bringing it up because a few people have questioned me on it because I have never been with a man. They just don't understand. I have been with my T for 2 years now and just recently told her and it was incredibly validating. We didn't go into depth on the topic but it is something we both feel should be explored more because it is a big part of who I am.

[Qasd45]

Thanks everyone. I am thinking sex with a woman has to remain off the table, firstly, because I don't think either of us are built for opening our marriage like that, and second, I am not sure I would be interested without an emotional connection. That would **** up my relationship. Maaaybe my husband could be convinced he is ok with it but holy crap I've held off telling him for ages!! Still worth discussing? I just don't see this situation changing and I don't want my therapist to wonder why I bothered mentioning it. I'll think about it some more. I think part of me will be relieved just to get it off my chest at least. That's a legit reason to talk about it isn't it?

That is absolutely a legit reason to bring it up. Good luck!

[MRT6211]

I’ve found that if I find myself asking “should I bring this up to T?”, it invariably means I should.

Just want to say I relate a lot though I'm not yet married to my male SO. I hope your T is accepting like mine was.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by MRT6211

I’ve found that if I find myself asking “should I bring this up to T?”, it invariably means I should.

Yes, this!

[coolibrarian]

When I started therapy, I was married to a man and thought I was straight. We had a wonderful daughter, and she is the best thing that happened as a result of that marriage. But I now think it was doomed from the start. After my divorce, I waited a full year before I felt comfortable dating again and, when I did, it was with men. But something didn't feel right, and I thought I was bisexual, but in 1998, I came out to myself, and to some close friends, as a lesbian. Acknowledging the fact that I am a lesbian was exhilarating and freeing. Suddenly things I felt a long time ago finally made sense. The first person I told was my T, and she was fine with it. I told my then-15 year old daughter next, and she was fine with it, too. I encourage the OP to talk about it in their therapy. As far as the OP's spouse, I wouldn't say anything to him until you've thoroughly hashed the issues with it, with your T, and maybe, not even then. A question: how does your spouse feel about LGBTQ people?

[starfishing]

Another yes vote for bringing it up in therapy--it's the perfect arena for working to untangle something like this, provided your therapist is competent with queer issues and not biphobic.

[Carmina]

My first partner didn't realise she was bi until well into our relationship when she realised she was becoming attracted to my best (female) friend. Since we were polyamorous anyway she was very open about it and it seemed like something she needed to explore so she did with my full support. It was a very beautiful relationship and I was so happy that she was able to find that part of herself and she ended up having other lesbian relationships. I don't see why a person who is in a married relationship should not also be able to explore other sides of their sexualities but to me this is why I have always felt monogamy can be too confining.