I am so embarrassed.

T called me back.

After all the terrible things I said, he called.

After saying that I hate him, he called.

After saying that he doesn't care about me, he called.

After cursing him out, he called.

I told him I was crazy. He said, "Mmhmm." And I said, "OH, THAT'S NICE-- YOU ARE AGREEING WITH ME!!" And he said, "No. I got your message. What's going on?" So I said, "Okay so you heard it. And that's why I'm crazy." I asked him if he was going to kick me out of therapy. He asked, "How long should I kick you out for?"

Anyway, I am very busy at work so I'll elaborate more later.

Ts are good about handling our outbursts...I once had one ask me why I was so mean to her. She ended up being the best T. in the world. I somewhat regret being mean to her, but it was just a natural part of my recovery process. She understood that and was able to work through it with me. Sounds like your T. is the same way.

I've had outbursts of going psycho on my T. She's handled them well, tho every time it happens I worry and think she's going to leave me and hate me and kick me out of therapy.

Your T seems to have taken everything fine. He understands your emotions. I think it was kind of cute for him to say "How long should I kick you out for?" If I were him, I'd of said "I won't 'ground' you, but you now have homework!"

I'm so happy that he called! All of the things you said were because you thought he wouldn't call. But he did. Therefore, everything you said is null and void. You have my permission to cross it off the books so you can bask in the warmth of knowing that T called. Which means that T cares.
It doesn't get much better than that. Congratulations!

Just to clarify, I didn't actually say those terrible things to him. I left a message about some impulsive things that I had done and didn't say "call me back" so I pretty much figured he wouldn't. But I spent the whole night cursing him, hating him, etc. And I also wrote a letter to him including how I felt towards him. When I spoke with him on the phone today I said to him, "I wrote a mean letter. Should I bring it on Saturday?" He asked, "How mean is it?" And I said, "Well, there's been meaner. And there's some important stuff in there." He said to bring it.

I wish I could present myself to T as an emotionally mature individual. One who does not throw Lithium down the drain and then cut herself and leave a crazy message for T. But then again, if I was that individual, I probably wouldn't be in therapy in the first place. Sigh.

((Pinksoil))

So relieved that you two communicated.

Last week I wrote in my journal that I wish I could walk in and say something nice to T, instead of all the comlaints, trauma, sorrow and other crap we deal with together. So, I really understand what you mean about wanting to present as a mature individual.

I know I can say nice things, but I wish I could just walk in and be this nice, unfettered person; she doesn't really exist anywhere and as you say, if I could I wouldn't have to walk in in the first place. grrrrrr

Glad you are at work, feeling a bit better?

I actually feel worse because the cold totally broke out today but I had to go in because of an appointment and a meeting that proved to be completely pointless. Oh well. Made the day go a bit faster. Thanks for asking.

Ah, but the faster the cold breaks out, the sooner it's going to go away. What I hate with mine though is the slight fever goes away and then the totally stuffed/can't smell or taste shows up! I remember how depressed I was eating french fries at McDonald's and not being able to taste them OR believe that I couldn't taste them! I so wanted to taste them or not eat them but force of habit kept my hand going to my mouth with the next fry. I tried to think it would be a good weight loss method, take people's sense of taste away through clogging their nose or something and then they wouldn't feel like eating because there'd be no point, etc. but my actions belied that idea.

He called, yay!

Why do we love our T's for their acceptance, and at the same time not be able to... accept it...?

I'm glad your cold broke and you'll start feeling much better now.

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pinksoil said:
I asked him if he was going to kick me out of therapy. He asked, "How long should I kick you out for?"


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What strikes me about this comment is that he is asking you how long he should kick you out because, he thinks unconsciously you want him to kick you out.

How do I know this? Because lately when I say something like that to T he'll say 'oh, so you want me to this or that'.

Your T has a funny way of expressing himself though. I enjoy the exchanges between you both...

I understand feeling embarrassed. You should have seen me last week, the mess I was...

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I asked him if he was going to kick me out of therapy. He asked, "How long should I kick you out for?"

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I said to him, "I wrote a mean letter. Should I bring it on Saturday?" He asked, "How mean is it?"

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hell... i think I am in love with your T. The rapport is really amazing.