How long did it take you to open up?

Something therapy has made me really aware of is the difference between trusting someone versus opening up to someone.

I had always believed these to be one in the same, with my previous failures in therapy being due to my inability to trust those therapists. While the latter may very well have been the case, I do trust my current therapist yet I am finding it no easier to open up to them than any of the others.

As a child I moved around a lot so I never had the opportunity to establish deep friendships, and the one person in the world who I was closest to betrayed me in the worst way possible before I had even reached my teens. I have also shunned any and all romantic type relationships, so I've never let myself be emotionally vulnerable that way.

This is proving to be a major obstacle in my therapy since I can no longer claim it's because I don't trust my therapist. It has forced me to acknowledge that I literally don't know how to open up. It is something that is completely alien to me. Attempts to try to speak openly create a sensation as though I'm being physically prevented from doing so. Almost like there is something inside me reaching up to yank back the words before they can escape from my lips. I'm hoping that I just need to continue trying, and that in time I will be able to get past that.

With that said, how long did it take all of you to open up in therapy? Or are you still struggling to get to the point where you can?

I feel like I could have written this. It took me a few years to really open up and be honest and true. I still have trouble sometimes, but it gets easier as time goes by. I usually write down what I want to say- i found that helpful.

Opening up didn't take long. I already was honest and very open in the first session. I would talk about everything bothering me. For me, it is very easy to share my problems. However, like for you, trusting and opening up is not the same thing. I can be very open with people I do not trust one bit.

I think this comes from my teenage years. I'd be constantly in trouble, and various teachers and mental health people would try to talk to me. I had to be honest, because they already knew everything and it would have been just used against me if I were not open.

The way I learned back then to open up was to just think about what I wanted to talk about the day before. I'd pick out my topic, and then think about how I wanted to word it, what I wanted to say. And then I'd repeat the lines I had prepared over and over in my head. Then on the day I had to talk about it, I'd sit in front of whoever wanted to talk to me, and I'd again repeat the lines over and over in my head, until I could just talk along with my thoughts and not really attach anything to it anymore.

I used to have this same feeling of something physically preventing me from talking. The approach I mentioned above kind of lowered that to a managable amount. I am not sure it is a smart thing to do, but that's what I did. Now when I talk to my T about anything at all, I don't even feel the physical thing anymore, I am so used to talking about things I don't like to talk about.

It's been about three years for me now in total, with three different therapists, and I feel like I might finally be getting somewhere. I think I have made progress in that time, it's just subtle and hard to objectively measure... and it happens in layers, like an onion. I've lost a few layers but I'm not there yet. Whatever "there" is...

I think a lot of people, especially those with histories of trauma, have trouble trusting and take a long time to even come close to fully 'opening up'. But just because you can't say anything and everything doesn't mean you can't make useful progress.

Have you or might you be able to talk to your T about this problem? Sometimes if I can't say something I find it really helpful to talk 'around' it instead.

11 months to first crack open that door. Almost 11 months later and it's still a constant struggle. T has her foot in the door but I have parts that are struggling to hold it closed.

I’m uncertain what you mean by ‘open up?’

When I entered therapy I was a shabby doll bent on self-destruction and acting out and upon my disorders in the most appalling ways. I was like a drunk headed back to the bar, stumbling from drink, yet needing one more drink to propel me forward.

My very first session was ugly. As were the subsequent 104. It never occurred to me to hold anything back. I was two+ years into my PhD in Psychology and running on a continuous flow of mania and delusion and could not recognize the symptoms of my disorders.

I guess that I opened up during that first ugly session. I knew that therapy was not to be, for me, a stroll down primrose lane, as there always seemed to be an ugliness within me (ever present during depressive states — mood swings, you know).

My behavior and thinking were both so twisted that I trusted my psychiatrist out of sheer professional respect. I think that has generally been the case over the decades. I haven’t, even in that putrid abyss of depression, expected to be treated gently but I admit to being partial to the shrinks who didn’t give up.

If you mean ‘brutal honesty’ when you write of opening up I would suggest now is a good time.

It's tough...I have been with my T a year and still constantly shut down. It's not him, it's me and my fear of expressing emotions. I'm still learning but anytime I feel something I don't like, I stop it by shutting down. No doubt frustrating for him because it sure frustrates me.

Getting to know him on a deeper level has helped, they advise T's not to do that but I am not a fan of that rule, for some people, it's vital. I would never had stayed this long with a shut off T. I NEED to feel that comfort and connection with someone if I am gonna allow myself to be vulnerable with them. I'm glad he shares basically anything with me, it's been a huge help

I also find that writing has helped for me. I tend to do better with the tough stuff if I write it down. I've done well in some ways but there is still a massive struggle for me to express emotions, especially when it's related to him because I'm overcome with shame... so It's a work in progress I guess...

As far as how long before I first opened about about anything tough... probably a few weeks in. It was my way of testing him. Agree about trusting and opening up to someone being different though.

I think trust goes deep. Deeper then intellectually thinking we trust.

it took me 6 years to admit to my CSA. t said he suspected all along. this year we really started progressing trauma and its taking its toll on me. it took me years to open up to t

It didn't take me very long at all to open up to my current therapist. I wouldn't say I really trusted him, but I forced myself to do it by writing down what I wanted to say and then reading it to him or handing him the paper.

I never really did open up to my first therapist, and I saw her for two years. I would absolutely have that feeling of being unable to talk, even though I knew there were things I needed to talk about. I'd just get in there and forget everything.

I think that bad experience with her made me figure out how to take control of the process and that's when I started writing things down. I still get really, really anxious with a new therapist, and sometimes even with a familiar one, but it gets easier with practice.

Interesting. I just had my first session with my new therapist. More of an information meet and greet than anything. Did I open up? I suppose I did - but only to her questions. I certainly didn't talk about that which wasn't asked.

I would say the problem for me was knowing what was supposed to be opened up and why. Without that, there would be no reason for me to do it.

Often even when I trust my therapist and want to be able to say something, the shame and anxiety can make it very difficult to actually do so.

I think the things I'm still holding back are a matter of trust though. I don't completely trust that my therapist will be willing and able to handle that stuff, and I fear rejection or judgement and further shame.
If I somehow knew with certainty or learned that it was something he'd handled before and was okay with handling then I think I'd be able to tell him, though even if I trusted that he could handle all the details I think I'd struggle to disclose those.

I've been seeing this therapist weekly for a few months. But I've opened up to him far more than I have to other therapists whom I saw for years. I think it's both him and the attitude with which I approached therapy this time. I was determined to actually be honest and try to work on things, and made a commitment to myself not to tell any outright lies (though I totally use lies of omission).
I did lie to him 2 sessions ago out of instinct/habit, but then this past session I started it by telling him I lied and what the lie was, and that I was not ready/willing to discuss that topic further, but that I should have just said that rather than lying. That was really hard to do, but he responded well.

The problem I had with opening up was my past. I’ve been battling with clinical depression for most of my life but only been making going to therapy a regular thing for 4 years now. When i was in preschool my mom had me go to a school counselor but that wasn’t the best experience because I didn’t feel comfortable with it being in school and feeling judged by classmates. That then gave me a bad taste as to what therapy really was. It is why it took me a couple months to open up and trust my therapist.

Soooo long. So. Long.
There are still many, many things she does not know about me, and I've been seeing her for almost two years. Even when we're talking about things she already knows, I still hold back and don't make myself completely vulnerable and open up 100%.