[junkDNA]

Lately it feels like T doesn't believe me. Hell ask how my thinking is and I'll say it's good. Hell say is it REALLY good or are you just saying that. Later... He asks about the voices and same thing

He doesn't believe me anymore but I know why... The voices manipulate me and want me to be secretive. Hell ask something like that and they automatically just start in... No.. Don't tell him. My voices don't like t and they don't like me telling ppl about them.

So I lie to him. But later admit that I had lied

Anyway I see why t is mistrustful but I'm having a hard time dealing with it all and am having a lot of thoughts of sui

[junkDNA]

Wowwwwwww fml

[Argonautomobile]

I'm sorry this is happening, JDNA. I think you should talk to him about it. It may be that trust/mistrust isn't the only way to conceptualize this. Maybe another way to think about it is that he really cares - cares enough to ask twice.

I think we become very accustomed to saying things are fine when they aren't - it doesn't necessarily have to do with voices or past 'deceit.' And so your T could be asking twice for reasons that have nothing to do with voices, deceit, or trust.

[velcro003]

oh, DNA i am sorry. that must be so difficult to deal with, i can't even imagine.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I'm sorry this is happening, JDNA. I think you should talk to him about it. It may be that trust/mistrust isn't the only way to conceptualize this. Maybe another way to think about it is that he really cares - cares enough to ask twice.

I think we become very accustomed to saying things are fine when they aren't - it doesn't necessarily have to do with voices or past 'deceit.' And so your T could be asking twice for reasons that have nothing to do with voices, deceit, or trust.

I'm just really tired of this illness and what it does to me. I know t cares.. I saw it on his face today when I asked him. He looked at me n said of course I care about you. T is frustrated with me and im frustrated too and I don't know how to fix it

[junkDNA]

I'm just so done w this I can't go through every day looking forward to going to bed. I don't want to be conscious.. I don't want to deal with ANYTHING.. I keep thinking of just going into the woods in the mtns.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

I'm just really tired of this illness and what it does to me. I know t cares.. I saw it on his face today when I asked him. He looked at me n said of course I care about you. T is frustrated with me and im frustrated too and I don't know how to fix it

I hear that. I'm sorry that I don't know how to fix it, either. You're not alone, though.

[toomanycats]

jDNA, you have a lot to deal with, and it's so so unfair. Truly. Nobody should have to deal with as much as you have in your life and in the present.

I wish I had something helpful to say, because I truly want to help. But, I don't know what to say... I'm sorry that I don't know what to say. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. It's too much.

[ruh roh]

I wouldn't say this to anyone else, but in your case, I don't think it's about his lack of trust in you, but more that you don't trust him when he thinks you've got something going haywire. I mean, you were just on here a few days ago saying some pretty off the wall stuff that seemed rational to you. I do that to some extent with my therapist, and it makes it very hard to know who is seeing things the right way.

[junkDNA]

I'm sorry I'm being off the wall. I didn't think I was acting that way I guess I am. I saw him today and he said he didn't think I'm taking my meds. I am taking my meds. He thinks I need to call my dr and increase the dose. I feel like t is reading too much into what I do and thinks I'm crazy. But now I see that people are thinking that here now too.

[toomanycats]

I don't think you are crazy.
I think it is really really really hard to deal with voices constantly telling you things are a certain way even when others are saying things are another way.
How are you supposed to determine which way is up at that point? I couldn't.

You're taking your meds, and your T is observing that they don't seem to be working. I think that's a likely explanation: that the meds are not working.

[bobcat21]

I honestly feel the exact same way😢 I honestly don’t know what the heck goes inside her head. I see her yesterday she tells me wants me to take my Ativan only as needed instead of daily which she prescribed daily because of my social anxiety but suddenly she’s saying nope nope only as needed because according to her she thinks I’m doing better because I wasn’t nervous in the session. I thought it was also odd how she didn’t give me my usual prescriptions instead she says you can call the Ativan when it runs out and she promised me she would call in my antidepressant/ ocd medication to the pharmacy again instead of giving me a prescription to take to the pharmacy but instead she says yep I’ll call it in and guess what she never calls it in. I totally feel you and I understand what you are going through.

Did something outside of therapy trigger you?

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

I'm sorry I'm being off the wall. I didn't think I was acting that way I guess I am. I saw him today and he said he didn't think I'm taking my meds. I am taking my meds. He thinks I need to call my dr and increase the dose. I feel like t is reading too much into what I do and thinks I'm crazy. But now I see that people are thinking that here now too.

No. I did not mean that you are being off the wall now or with this post. I was referring to another post, and I really regret using that particular phrase. You just didn't seem like yourself. I am sorry for how I worded that.

[here today]

When t doesn't trust you, trust yourself anyway. Yes, it can be painful. Yes, it can seem doubtful. And, yes, you can change your mind. But until you are really convinced to change your mind, well. . . Even then, It's trust yourself.

[feralkittymom]

I think hearing his questions as an issue of distrust is a misinterpretation. It's more a gesture of openness--a way of reassuring that it's OK to let down the defense and say the dark truth. It's an invitation and a way to express that communication within the therapy space can be about the truths that can't be spoken about outside.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

Did something outside of therapy trigger you?

My dad's death anniversary is approaching... April 30th

I'm sorry. It sounds like you are navigating rough seas right now. Maybe if you talk to T about it the voices will calm down??

Hope things get better for you soon.

[junkDNA]

The voices come n go right now. Quiet morning for me today. I feel like there's no good way to tell t how much in pain I am in. I also fear it's hurting him. He says things like he's frustrated. He said it's hard to watch. Idk. Can I tell t the truth without hurting him. I shouldn't have to worry about that but we have a unique relationship it seems. Whether that's good or bad I don't know but It is what it is.

[toomanycats]

You can tell T the truth.
It hurts him because he cares about you; it's not hurting him in like a "you are personally hurting me" way -- as if you are doing something wrong. It's not that. It just hurts when you see someone you care about so much going through something you feel somewhat powerless to stop.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Lately it feels like T doesn't believe me. Hell ask how my thinking is and I'll say it's good. Hell say is it REALLY good or are you just saying that. Later... He asks about the voices and same thing

He doesn't believe me anymore but I know why... The voices manipulate me and want me to be secretive. Hell ask something like that and they automatically just start in... No.. Don't tell him. My voices don't like t and they don't like me telling ppl about them.

So I lie to him. But later admit that I had lied

Anyway I see why t is mistrustful but I'm having a hard time dealing with it all and am having a lot of thoughts of sui

Print this and give this to your therapist, or have someone print if for you

Originally Posted by junkDNA

The voices come n go right now. Quiet morning for me today. I feel like there's no good way to tell t how much in pain I am in. I also fear it's hurting him. He says things like he's frustrated. He said it's hard to watch. Idk. Can I tell t the truth without hurting him. I shouldn't have to worry about that but we have a unique relationship it seems. Whether that's good or bad I don't know but It is what it is.

It sounds like there is some boundary loss between you and T. Can you reinforce your sense of separateness through remembering your favorite music and movies? Clothes you like, the peaceful walks in nature?

I think it's a good idea to show him this post. You'll come out of this. You're separate from T. His frustration is his own, from own stuff. And you're not that powerful (as it seems) to make him feel things.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

It sounds like there is some boundary loss between you and T. Can you reinforce your sense of separateness through remembering your favorite music and movies? Clothes you like, the peaceful walks in nature?

I think it's a good idea to show him this post. You'll come out of this. You're separate from T. His frustration is his own, from own stuff. And you're not that powerful (as it seems) to make him feel things.

our boundaries were pretty much non existant for the first 5 years

[junkDNA]

he said I get laser focus and obsessive. which is true I'm not denying that. above it all I'm glad for my therapist and for his extreme patience w me

[satsuma]

If it's helpful, I think that your T cares for you a lot. When he feels frustrated it's probably with the illness, like you do as well. You're both on the same team in trying to get the better of the illlness.
My T and I do schema therapy, and we think about the lifetraps in that way. We both agree that they are annoying and frustrating and make my life a lot more difficult. (Not so much any more, thankfully).
I hope you feel better. Anniversaries of deaths are hard