Revealing attachment to your therapist

Let us know how it went. I think take the benzo if you need it. Like someone else wrote, therapy can tap into some very deep emotions which can be frightening in their intensity.

Definitely take the benzo, so you can be more calm receiving messages coming back to you.

I couldn't get into this with my T bc he starts out with a hard line not welcoming it. I get so sad within the negative space around therapy. My T seems connected and caring during session, but he seems to punch the clock out bc he is an older guy with young kids and wants a four day weekend. He would never check on me or any other patient , and that makes me cynical a bit about the whole process. I could thrive, I could experience violence or die- he just would not care unless it happened in my 45 minute window. There's no use to really explore the relationship between us, bc to him there isn't one except during the suspended, and special session time.

I hope it goes well. Keep in mind it could take him a bit of time to process everything. Even if he doesn't react in the way you hope he will at first, he may just need a bit of time. It's likely to be something you'll need to discuss more in future sessions. My current T seemed a bit weird the first time I talked to him about attachment (even though he knew all about my intense attachment to ex-MC, since that was a big part of why I started seeing him). But I think he just needed more time to understand, to comprehend why I was experiencing it and what was going on with me, to figure out what I wanted and needed from him and what he was willing to give (which was ultimately more than I'd expected). From what he's said, he hasn't had much experience with attached clients (or at least ones sharing their attachment with him). And even though he seems to be handling it quite well now, I still get shaky and scared when I talk to him about it, like yesterday when I was talking about the stone he'd lent me as a transitional object and how holding it helped me deal with a stressful situation. It's a scary topic.

I hope your T comes through for you and responds well. I sincerely doubt he'd just terminate you, but it may take him time to process. Take the benzo (maybe split it in half?) if you think it will help. And I wonder if it might be more helpful to leave the room for a few minutes while he's reading it--not sure what his office setup is, but is that a possibility? Good luck!

My T seems connected and caring during the session but we don't have contact outside of the session. I don't even have his phone number—I schedule appointments through the office. For all I know he only thinks about me for those 50 minutes a week + however long it takes him to do my paperwork.
There was one time I got a second appointment on short notice because I was in a mini crisis and I called his office to see if they had any last minute openings and there had been a cancellation. But even that was just lucky scheduling through the office, not him going out of his way to make extra time for me.

I don't think this precludes a caring therapeutic relationship. For me it's a form of boundaries. It keeps me from acting out to get extra attention between sessions because I know I wouldn't get it. It's easier not to have the temptation of being able to reach out to him or to push the boundaries just a little bit more. I'm sure if I was in the hospital or something they could contact him, but other than that I just have to be patient (which is certainly not easy).
I've had therapeutic relationships that were too close in the past. At the time it made me feel special, but it wasn't as helpful and it kept me from getting real work done.
It was just enabling me and I was recreating the same pattern of trying to get someone to fill the emotional void through enough caring or praise or love, when that isn't possible, and what I need is to work through coming to terms with that and learning to do those things for myself rather than seeking them externally.

I don't know if this is the case for you. Your situation and needs might be totally different. But it's been important for me to realize that what I need might be different from what I want. I think of it as taking a pain pill vs physical therapy. A pain pill makes it feel better, but doesn't actually solve the problem. Physical therapy hurts and takes time but can eventually lead to progress with the underlying problem. And combining pain pills with physical therapy would be a bad idea in this analogy, because I could be creating more damage and not realize it without the pain to tell me. (Okay my analogy admittedly got stretched a little thin there, but the point is still there)

I also want to be able to trust that my therapist is maintaining the boundaries they need. I don't want to have to worry that I could burn them out or take too much. I want to trust that they're looking after their own needs so that they wouldn't let that happen.

Good luck with your therapist. I hope things work out and you're able to discuss this with him and be on the same page.

(Wow this was really long, sorry)

I'm not sure people are wired for caring that is turned on and off, based on arbitrary blocks of time. I found it extremely disruptive. The main thing this taught me was how to cope with the process itself, which was designed around therapist needs.

I think therapy "attachment" is actually a therapist-centered phenomenon, wherein therapists can have a series of regimented relationships entirely on their terms.

I found nothing helpful about having needs exposed, then objectified rather than gratified. If i found myself longing for this or that, but "boundaries" said i ought not to be, then already the process had become destructive.

I like this plan! Has your T ever referred to attachment with you in therapy in general? For example, my T isn't huge on attachment, but she has brought it up once in awhile in reference to me.

If so, I would maybe be slightly less anxious that he would outright reject you because of this. (If he is a decent T worth his salt, I can't imagine him saying he can't work with you)

Also: Whenever I give my T something to read of mine, I completely slink down into the tiniest ball possible, and put a pillow over my head until she is done. She has offered to leave the room--so I don't think it is weird at all that you dont' want to be seen. I don't either.

I hope it goes well! When is your appt?

In 6 minutes!
We haven't discussed attachment. I did warn him that I was worried that I'd be "too much" and he'd regret taking me on as a client. I also talked about my extreme neediness. But nothing about it in the context of our relationship. If he has thought about it I think he might not bring it up without being sure. I haven't actually openly showed signs of being attached to him. Well, I guess a bit at our last session.

Thanks

Someone suggested me leaving the room and I forgot to respond to that bit. It would feel like rejection and bring back memories of being in my early teens and having to leave the room so my parents could talk to the therapist, which ended up being a disaster in the long run and doing a lot of damage to me and my ability to trust therapists.

Currently sitting on the other side of the chair while he reads it. He clearly thought that request was silly, but I insisted

I hope it goes well and he continues to work with you.

Good luck! I am thinking of you and hope it goes okay

I hope it goes well!!

It went really really well

I walked in and he asked me how things were going, etc. I was like "so if this was a videogame and there was a series of levels to get through or obstacles to pass before the end, there's one more that I haven't talked to you about."
I told him I had written stuff out for him to read. He suggested I read them. I said that that would absolutely not happen, and his two choices were either that he read the papers while I sat on the floor on the other side of my usual armchair, or that he would not read the papers at all and I would throw them away and not discuss it. He agreed to read them, though he clearly thought it was a bit silly/melodramatic (not in a mean spirited way)
At some point he asked if we were going to be able to talk about this after. I asked if he'd read to the end yet. He said no. I said we could talk about it after he finished reading it. (at the end was the part about understanding if he didn't want to or didn't think he should continue working with me)
He finished and then said he'd thought I had some questions for him and I was like "no, not really."
He said he didn't feel the need to discontinue working with me because of this. At some point a bit later he said something along those lines again, and I asked him if he was really sure (I'd asked in my note that he make sure he was really sure because I would much rather it happen now than later). He said yes. He thanked me for communicating about this with him. He said he thought this kind of attachment was understandable given what I lacked at certain points in my life.

We got on the topic of boundaries (I'd highlighted some of the article talking about boundaries being important, so this wasn't him just bringing it up out of nowhere). I explained my situation with my last therapist who was a really sweet lady whom I really like, but who crossed a lot of boundaries with me and told me I was "special" and that she loved me and how that felt like a responsibility not to let her down or to disappoint her, and how her not maintaining the boundaries made me feel like I had to constantly be thinking about the boundaries and what would be crossing them and what was or wasn't okay, because she wasn't maintaining them.
I also told him about how I'm really good at getting people to cross boundaries for me. It's hard to say without sounding like a narcissist, but my high school teacher who I developed a kind of attachment fixation on from afar and whose approval I craved? By a year or two later I was at his house drinking and smoking illegal plant matter with him and his wife. The chemistry professor I developed a kind of attachment fixation on from afar? That was 4 years ago, and for the last two years since I moved away for grad school he has has texted me "good morning sunshine" and "goodnight. hugs and love." almost every day (and apologizes when he occasionally misses it, like if he falls asleep on the couch), and before I moved we hugged on a daily basis, he'd taken me to the ER when I needed stitches for SH, he'd let me fall asleep on his shoulder.
Teachers throughout my life have talked to me more like I was an adult, and expected me to be partially responsible for my twin brother. I knew all the teacher gossip as a high school student. I knew details of some teachers' personal lives.
So yeah, people cross boundaries for me. And at the time it makes me feel "special." But it's also a responsibility.

At this point my therapist pointed out that kids need boundaries and, while they may not always like them, they keep them safe. He also made a point to say that it wasn't my fault that other people crossed boundaries with me, because I'd said that something about me makes other people cross boundaries. He told me it would be his job to maintain the boundaries and that I could trust that he would. He understood how important that was so that I could feel safe. I believe him. I asked him if he'd ever been rock climbing (he has, but only indoors), and compared it to climbing up the wall, being responsible for holding on the entire time and not slipping, getting up to the top and clinging on to the wall, and the belayer says "okay, now let go." He said it was a good metaphor. I told him I hoped he was a good belayer.
He noted my expectation in my writing that my attachment to him would grow in intensity. I confirmed that. He said that he hopes that if/when that happens that we can talk about it openly.
Last week I asked if I could show him my arms (scars) and we talked about it and in the end he said no because he didn't want to give them that attention. I was understanding, and I actually think he made the right decision and appreciate that he did. He asked about my response to that, and added that he'd worried after that his use of the word "attention" might have a negative connotation (he thinks about me outside of sessions! At least for a few minutes directly after lol). I explained why I'd thought he actually made the right decision and how I appreciated it intellectually, but that emotionally I had not responded well. That it is often the case that something will happen and rationally I'll see the situation clearly or be more reasonable, but that emotionally I'm reacting in a much more childish way, and it's my rational side that usually keeps me from acting on those feelings.

I asked him if he thought I was pathetic or disgusting. He pointed out that I use those words about myself a lot, and that he doesn't think those things about me and thinks that I see myself in a distorted way.
He commented on me sitting on the floor facing away from him and I said that I couldn't stand the thought of seeing dawning realization and horror on his face as he read it. He said that wasn't what was there, what I would see was compassion. I joked that that was even worse.
I asked if what he read freaked him out. He said no, and that his graduate training had been pretty much all taught by psychodynamic and psychoanalytical people, so transference was something he was very familiar with.
I asked if I could now ask a question that was the childish part of me asking a stupid question. He said I could ask whatever I wanted. I asked "are you mad at me? do you hate me?" He said no and no. I asked "promise?" and he said yes.

I'm sure there are other details I'm forgetting. Honestly I just want to go to bed right now, but I wanted to type all of this out first because I will have forgotten even more details by tomorrow. It's probably a mess but I'm not going to go proofread and reformat now.

He didn't make me feel ashamed or judged at all. I felt like he really understood what I needed him to understand. He said he thought it was brave that I communicated with him about this and that he appreciated it. I didn't ask him to promise that he would never terminate me (because that would be an impossible promise to make), but I did get him to say he was sure that this wasn't going to be a reason he'd terminate.
I'd given a lot of thought to boundaries over the last 24-48 hours, and I knew that boundaries would make me feel safer and able to let go and trust, and so I'm really glad he seemed to get that and agree with that.
I was able to look him in the eyes when I got off the floor to leave at the end of the appointment.

Thank you everyone who gave words of encouragement, advice/feedback, and support. I really appreciate it.
I'm taking a deep sigh of relief. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better. I'm sure it's not going to be smooth sailing, but I feel like I really truly and deeply trust my therapist now, and it feels safe to do so.

I'm so happy for you that your T responded so well to what you gave him and discussed. Sounds like you have one of the good ones...

I think it's great that you did this. I think it will make it a lot easier in the future to refer to this and to talk about these issues openly.

I can tell you that I had a huge amount of attachment to my therapist, and I bit the bullet and talked about it openly, and he similarly did not flinch. Now it's a few years later and we've done a ton of work together and the nature of my attachment has changed a lot. I used to think about him all the time and would long to sleep next to him, etc. It's not like that anymore, though I remain fond of him. I think part of what made it change is that we talked about it all along and he just normalized it and was very accepting of my feelings, which made me accepting of them.

If you're anything like me the trusting will come and go and it will be a continual testing kind of process...so maybe be prepared for that, be prepared for the possibility that you guys are going to have ruptures and conflicts. For me sticking with it and working through those with the kind of honesty you just showed is what has been most productive in the whole therapy thing. It's one thing to be able to tell a therapist you kind of love them but being able to say you're really mad at them is important too, and it's important for them to act in the same kind of accepting way.

LabRat,

I am so happy that it went so well for you.

There are things I want to talk to my therapist about but I am scared to, but this gives me hope that maybe one day I'll be able to do it. I am trying to convince myself to talk about something on Wednesday.

Thanks for writing this.

Thank you. I'm glad you've been able to have such a great relationship with your therapist!

It's not my first time going through this kind of attachment, which was why I wanted to address it sooner rather than later. I had an intense attachment to one of my professors in undergrad. He and I obviously didn't talk about it as openly as I discussed it with my therapist, but we did become very close (it was like an attachment fantasy come true... I started developing very disproportionate attachment feelings from afar when he knew me as just another student, but a few years later I was falling asleep with my head on his lap while he worked in his office because I'd had a bad day, and he sat in the ER with me and held my hand while I got stitches).

I got to experience intense attachment, intense moods, and slowly becoming secure in my attachment and moving from such intense feelings to more balanced ones. I moved across the country for grad school 2 years ago and he and I still send at least a few texts back and forth daily, but I don't feel the urge to act out for his attention or long to be comforted by him (though I do miss his hugs... He gave great hugs).

I know that therapy is a different type of relationship, and that the boundaries will make it a much different experience, but the intense attachment and longing isn't new at least, and I know that it's possible to work through and get to the other side, even if this time it probably won't involve actual hugs.

And hopefully this will help with my tendency to act out for attention, because I'll be able to communicate about it so that it doesn't get rewarded/reinforced.