[Lrad123]

I recently emailed my therapist and asked to talk about ending therapy. We talked about it and I sent him an email the next day saying I’d like to continue seeing him. In the email, I mentioned that while we we’re talking I had become aware that I was worried about hurting his feelings. I didn’t say anything in person because I didn’t know how to bring it up. I don’t think he’d want to make the conversation about him and his feelings so I guess that’s part of the reason I didn’t bring it up. Also, as a therapist, I just assume he’d be used to endings, so it felt odd to have that worry while I was talking to him. Anyway, I wrote this in an email to him and he responded by saying “see you next week.” I felt dismissed because he didn’t acknowledge what I’d said about my worry about hurting his feelings by wanting to have a discussion about ending therapy.

I’m wondering if anyone else worries about their therapist’s feelings? What is the right way to handle that? I understand why we’re not supposed to focus on that, but I’m not sure how I’m just supposed to turn that part of myself off.

[stopdog]

No. I do not. I pay them in order to not worry about their feelings. It is their responsibility to handle feelings, should they have any, on their own time and in their own way.
And they set the playing field up that way.

If I've had worries about T, it's always been referred back to my history.
Of course I've grown to care about T. The intimate work we've shared, I'm human, not , narcissistic robot.
But, a lot of the feelings I've had are unresolved stuff from my past. If the feeling is playing tricks with me Thsts an indication that this isn't just about T.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by stopdog

No. I do not. I pay them in order to not worry about their feelings. It is their responsibility to handle feelings, should they have any, on their own time and in their own way.
And they set the playing field up that way.

Cognitively I understand that it’s their responsibility to handle their feelings and I’m pretty sure my therapist can do this, yet it still didn’t stop me from feeling concerned. Not sure how to turn the switch off.

I absolutely worry about hurting her feelings. I don't confron't people and I try to choose words very carefully with everyone because I don't want to be the cause of someone's hurt feelings. Discuss it with your T. Bring it up in your next session. For me it comes down to the fear of abandonment and a lack of self worth. If I say or do something wrong then they will see how awful/stupid/worthless I am and leave or they will see how hopeless I am and leave because of that.... Figuring out the why has helped a lot, now just to change that thought pattern which in infinitely harder. Lol. Basically, you're not alone and I would definitely bring it up. Good luck!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Cognitively I understand that it’s their responsibility to handle their feelings and I’m pretty sure my therapist can do this, yet it still didn’t stop me from feeling concerned. Not sure how to turn the switch off.

The therapist is running a business. For me, I don't see therapists as particularly being concerned about what any individual client does or does not do. Generally speaking, if they are not completely and obviously incompetent, new clients will hire them even if I don't. I think for those people, clients are mostly interchangeable. They are experts at blaming the client rather than thinking anything is really about them.
Plus, I know that I don't get particularly upset or take it personally if a student does not want to take my class or if a client hires a different attorney. If they want to deal with someone else, it usually means less hassle for me (less to grade, less whining/*****ing at me, less paperwork, etc).

Originally Posted by stopdog

The therapist is running a business. For me, I don't see therapists as particularly being concerned about what any individual client does or does not do. Generally speaking, if they are not completely and obviously incompetent, new clients will hire them even if I don't. I think for those people, clients are mostly interchangeable. They are experts at blaming the client rather than thinking anything is really about them.
Plus, I know that I don't get particularly upset or take it personally if a student does not want to take my class or if a client hires a different attorney. If they want to deal with someone else, it usually means less hassle for me (less to grade, less whining/*****ing at me, less paperwork, etc).

Logically I agree 100%. Unfortunately feelings are rarely logical.

I know I am my T's job. I know that I am not unique and that I am replaceable. I know the boundaries and the theory and the process to all of this. I have discussed it with my T many many many times but, like I said, feelings and logic don't always go together.

I know that everyone is different but I personally can't imagine spending that much time with someone in such an intimate setting and not caring.

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

Logically I agree 100%. Unfortunately feelings are rarely logical.

I know I am my T's job. I know that I am not unique and that I am replaceable. I know the boundaries and the theory and the process to all of this. I have discussed it with my T many many many times but, like I said, feelings and logic don't always go together.

I know that everyone is different but I personally can't imagine spending that much time with someone in such an intimate setting and not caring.

Some have to rid themselves of their own inferiority by belittling feelings.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

Logically I agree 100%. Unfortunately feelings are rarely logical.

I know I am my T's job. I know that I am not unique and that I am replaceable. I know the boundaries and the theory and the process to all of this. I have discussed it with my T many many many times but, like I said, feelings and logic don't always go together.

I know that everyone is different but I personally can't imagine spending that much time with someone in such an intimate setting and not caring.

I am just explaining how it works for me. In general, with real people, I agree about feelings and logic not always lining up. In that sense, for me, I have the feelings because I have not figured out how to not have feelings, but try to act on the logic and hope for the best. And there are plenty of current examples of those who hold themselves out as more evolved than others who act in ways that belie that view of themselves.
It is different for me in how I deal with real people and how I deal with therapists. I believe therapists set the game up to be not real and that is how I engage with it. I do not find therapists particularly warm and engaging nor do I see it as an intimate experience for me (I am not telling others what their experience is in the least here - just talking about myself).

The conventional approach given by those guys and others to clients is to talk to them about it. Whether that is useful for a client or not, it would seem to me, depends upon the individual client.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy...my_therapists/

[smallbluefish]

thank you for sharing this. I worry all the time about my therapist's feelings. I value my sensitivity deeply, but I also realize that sometimes I'm projecting worries about myself/other things onto my therapist. e.g. my self worth is connected to my ability to support other people, so sometimes if I'm feeling particularly bad about myself I might unconsciously make up for it with something I feel I'm good at (attending to others' needs).

I'm trying to remind myself that I can show I care by trusting that my therapist will manage their emotional boundaries and bring their feelings into the space if it is helpful for them or me. of course, this extends to you too--if you feel it's helpful to bring certain emotions or worries into the space, like being hurt from feeling dismissed, maybe you can talk about it during a session?

My worry about her feelings has been labelled by her as "therapy interfering behaviour"...several times.

I try to put my feelings aside, but of course it isn't easy, I can't just turn them off. I do try to remind myself that it's her job to keep her feelings out of my therapy unless it's to share a reaction for my benefit.

[MoxieDoxie]

Oh yes. I am in the same boat. My EMDR T would like me to come twice a week which means I will have to cut my talk therapy T out because insurance will not pay for 3x a week therapy. I have to tell T1 that this coming week. I originally started with him and he was the one who encouraged me to find a therapist who did EMDR. I was thinking I could just see him every other week and pay him out of pocket. I am concerned for his feelings about him losing that money because I know he just started his practice and just got married last year and they are a young couple.

By default, I don't worry about Ts feelings. One of my kept shoving them to my face though when I challenged him and he was upset. That did not make me worry about him either, just very irritated.

With the other, I liked the guy and wanted to be respectful and polite because he was so as well. I did not worry though when I decided to quit therapy and said so via email after he tried to convince me not to stop in a session.