Or should I say non-memories? When I was 18-19, I dated this guy for a couple of months. Although we broke up, we remained friends through all of these years and he even came to my wedding two years ago. I was talking him tonight and he asked me if I still SI.

I asked him to tell me some of the things he remembers about me in terms of my illness. As it turns out, there were quite a few disturbing instances that occurred in regards to my SI that I have absolutely no recollection of. One of them, I have a faint recollection of, but wasn't sure if it actually happened. It happened. Anyway, at the time of my relationship with him, this was really the height of my illness. I realized that I have almost no recollection of the couple of months we were together. The memories he told me about were completely foreign to me. I became so frustrated that I did these things, yet they were memories that belonged to someone else-- not me. How is it that one can just not remember? It is because it was a traumatic time for me? It is because I just naturally forgot? He told me about all of these panic attacks I would experience when I was with him-- he he remembers the frightened look in my eyes. He said I looked like "a little girl completely vulnerable and scared out of her wits." I do not remember experiencing one single attack with him. He told me of a very disturbing incident in which we were at a diner and I took the knife and attempted to cut myself with it while holding it under the table. I have no recollection of this. He told me that I brought of of those compasses used to draw a circle (with the pointy end) into his car and attempted to SI there as well. He said that the compass remained in his glovebox for years after. So it happened. It happened because it was there. But I don't remember.

I posted this here because I have heard so many of you talk of issues with memories. I never experienced this level of frustration before in regards to memories. I have never experienced somebody telling me such a large amount of things that happened only eight years ago, of which I can only vaguely remember one.

I also don't like this because for some reason it's putting me in little-girl mode. Little-girl mode means I want T. I want to hear his voice, I want him to soothe me and tell me how he knows it's scary. I was doing okay in my tough-woman role in which I was just pushing him the hell away. But just like my ex-boyfriend said, "a little girl completely vulnerable and scared out of her wits." Yeah, not much has changed.

[MissCharlotte]

Pink,

According to T, memory is attached to affect. If you were dissociated during those times, then memory will be difficult to recall because the event is stored differently in your body.

Heck, a lot has changed because now you are questioning, aware of your illnesss and aware of yourself.

Yeah, I've been in little girl mode for a while now. Enjoy it while you can...

Peace

[Perna]

I went to my 30th high school reunion back 9 years ago and I went home the next day and got out my yearbooks and started looking at them, looking up people I now knew who they were from my elementary school pictures I'd taken and that a "best friend" from when I was 5-7 helped me with who the people in them were, etc. But just looking at my high school yearbooks and reading what people had written in them was astonishing. A couple people commented on my poetry, and I could have sworn before then that I hadn't started writing poetry until 10+ years later! I started wondering about this self that had been writing poetry all this time ago and I didn't remember her?

I think maybe we work on things and remember only so long as that work "helps" us, kind of like symptoms and how they can change. My writing poetry at 16-17 probably wasn't for "artistic" reasons and when circumstances changed, so did how I approached them? Then when poetry might have helped again (it did the second time) I started on the poetry again.

Think of all the sessions you've had with T and I'm sure there are many you don't remember much detail about? But some were extremely helpful probably. I haven't seen my T for 2 years but saw her for 9 before that but I can't tell you much detail; I don't need to anymore. It's like dreams that you analyze and get their meaning/juice from and then don't need anymore. The panic attacks, SI, etc. back when you knew this guy were "communication" and trying to figure out how to get yourself help, etc. and once you did, got on the correct "road", you didn't need to remember them anymore.

[Rio_]

(((pinksoil))) I'm sorry that happened to you, and I can understand how it would be very frustrating. It's nowhere near on the same level, but I remember feeling hurt when my mum told me that one of my two best friends when I was 7 in fact preferred my other best friend and didn't want me around - I'd remembered P3 as my only "good" year, and it felt like it'd been taken away from me. And the thought that I could have been affected more than I remember by what happened at my school the previous year (don't really want to go into it now, but it wasn't good ) has worried me ever since I realised it was a possibility.

I can't think of any advice I can give, but I hope you feel better soon.