i don't know what else to do so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't know where else to turn i feel like the ceiling is caving in on me i had a huge fight with my mom and i feel like everything i do and say is bad in the eyes of god i confided in her 2 days ago telling her why i sometimes think my dad is unfair with me and my sister we are both of age but i get yelled at all the time for everything she comes home 4 in the morn and he says nothing so i tell my mom i think he is like that with her because he feels guilty for what he did to her in the past when he drank when we were like in our late teens he would come home drunk and one day he walks into my sisters roomand starts feeling up her leg she opens her eyes slowly sees that it's him and turns around pretending that she is asleep and kicks him in the arm even though she is awake she is terrified because he has never behaved like that ever with us our father was always the one we trusted then the alchol brought out a monster in him i can not even think he could do that well when she kicked him he left then she got up ran to my room woke me up crying telling me what he did me being the eldest i think i was 17 i always felt like i needed to be fierce and unstoppable so i held her in my arms kissed her forehead then went into the garage room where he slept woke him up and called him an animal and yelled at him told him what i thought of him and my mom comes shocked at what she is hearing then i tell him he is a son of a ***** and to get up and leave or i'll kick his *** as i'm saying this tears are ripping out of my eyes while i look at my father who lied directly in my face and called my sister a lier normally if we lied he would spank us this time he just stayed in the bed and took it then he got up and left for 4 days he did not call or anything i could'nt help feeling wicked for kicking him out and destroying my mother so we came to an agreement and called him at work asked him to come home and till now we never brought the issue back up till i made the mistake of telling my mom and she told him and he still lied i cryed and called him a bastard but i feel that to be good with god we must forgive and let go so i apologized to him today hugged him he has been sober for 4 yrs now and i'm proud of him but my mom had no right to call me a manipulator and a wicked daughter and she made me feel so bad like i was not good enough to have good with me and it sucks to feel so bad and have no one understand anyhow i'm sad and need to vent out oh well thats life mine just happens to suck

(((Lavendersteph)))))
It's hard when you have a parent that is abusive like that, and the other parent won't stick up for you. I know, I've been there, as many of us here, have. There's nothing that says you have to forgive him, you do what's in your heart to do, sweetie. Your mom is wrong for saying those things to you, and treating you the way she has. There is NOTHING wrong with you, and you're not a bad person, and if I was there I'd give you a big hug, but since I can't....
*BIGHUGSFORLAVENDERSTEPH*

Lavendersteph,

Bear with me because I'm not mentally well right now, but felt a response for you.

Coming from an abusive home, my Mom didn't protect us (I don't know if she was able - the whole thing was beyond her paradigm I think). You were so brave and unselfish for sticking up for your sister. You did what you Mom couldn't, and that's not her fault, she was just incapable for whatever reason. You did a great thing! If I had been able to protect my younger sister from my Dad - things might be different. But at that time, I couldn't, I was only 8yo.

My point is here, give yourself more credit. You were the brave one who did what was needed to do at the time. Forgiveness takes time, we can't make it happen and the church is wrong for preaching that, IMO. Yes, God does want us to forgive, but there is a healing process involved and you have to allow that to happen. It's different for everyone.

Please be kind for yourself. I know it's hard and I'm not doing a very good job myself right now, but, from what you are saying, your Mom was wrong and seems like she's projecting her frustration onto you. And that is not right.

Hugs,
SongBird

((((safe hugs))))) You can get through this... it might not get easy for a while... glad you found PC! There is help IRL too.. have you called anyone to help you IRL? There is help, hang in there (((hugs)))