[weaverbeaver]

I love my t. She has been a lifesaver for me so many times but lately I notice that she pushes me a lot more.
In particular around reporting my abuser. This is not something I ever wish to and have told her that repeatedly.
It’s one of the main reasons I joined this forum because I would like some support and guidance.

My t feels that I am responsible if he goes on to abuse anyone else. I have said that’s unlikely as he is old and frail now and almost disabled.
It’s very confusing for me because I hate him but I don’t want to report him.

[lucozader]

I don't think it is right for your T to say things like that to you. The decision of whether to report him lies with you and you alone, and if you don't feel able to do it that is totally understandable and okay.

[maybeblue]

I don't think it is her choice if you report him or not. Nor do I think anyone other than the abuser himself is responsible for his behavior in the future. Have you talked to your therapist about why you don't want to report him? You shouldn't have to justify your decision, but I'm curious if that would help her to understand that you have considered it, and have decided not to.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by lucozader

I don't think it is right for your T to say things like that to you. The decision of whether to report him lies with you and you alone, and if you don't feel able to do it that is totally understandable and okay.

Thank you, that’s a relief because I was beginning to feel really guilty about it and worry that it was my fault and is my fault if anything happens!
I was actually starting to really freak out today and I went through the whole process of going to the police station and what would happen afterwards!

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I don't think it is her choice if you report him or not. Nor do I think anyone other than the abuser himself is responsible for his behavior in the future. Have you talked to your therapist about why you don't want to report him? You shouldn't have to justify your decision, but I'm curious if that would help her to understand that you have considered it, and have decided not to.

We talked about it many times at the start and it is only coming up again recently.
We discussed reasons before and one being he is my best friends father. I couldn’t do that to her after all these years. My t doesn’t understand my loyalty and says my healing is more important.
I agree that the abuser is responsible for his actions and only him. We have had many arguments about this.

[nottrustin]

Yikes... you are not responsible for protecting others noe are you responsible for protecting others. You are responsible for protecting yourself

[Erebos]

Ok, no definitely not her place to tell you wether you report him or not.
Unless you yourself have voiced concerns that by not reporting him he will hurt someone?
She may worry you might feel some guilt if you discovered he went on to hurt someone else.

However that choice is absolutely yours to make, and she should be reminding you that you are in no way responsible for this person's behaviour.

[stopdog]

I don't think/don't hire those people to push me at all on anything.

[Deejay14]

Tell her to stop trying guilting you. The abuser alone is responsible for his behavior ALL THE TIME. That is so not right of her.

[feralkittymom]

If she thinks continuing to discuss this is important for your health, then she's within good practice. If she's doing it from her private sense of justice, she's way out of line. It would be considered "exerting undue influence" and an ethical violation.
In the greater karmic universe, a non-action is an action. But that is a matter of personal philosophy regarding responsibility, and her view is her view--she has no right to impose it upon you.
Did he abuse your friend, too? Why is ignoring the potential impact on your friend less important than the impact on other potential victims? Her reasoning seems very simplistic to me.

[Amyjay]

Nooo, you are not responsible. You are not obligated to sacrifice your own mental health and well-being to go through the extremely stressful process of reporting your abuser. None of my therapists have EVER mentioned me reporting my abusers, ever.
It sounds like your T has strong personal feelings about this, but your T is wrong to put this on you, and absolutely wrong to put the burden of responsibility of your abusers potential abuse of others onto you.
No no no no no. Stop that, weaverbeaver's T.

[feralkittymom]

Since the OP doesn't list a location, I can't speak to country-specific law. (And if you know differently, please don't reveal it here.)

But in general there's a difference between being a mandated reporter of abuse witnessed or specifics of abuse revealed, and pressuring a client to reveal specifics. The victim is never to my knowledge subject to prosecution for not revealing. That would be bizarre legal reasoning, akin to self-incrimination.

[stopdog]

Why not just tell her he is dead? I see no problem with lying to those people if it helps.

[missbella]

I took a long time before reporting an irresponsible therapist. By then I felt almost able to withstand the lies I assumed he'd tell. And lie he did, and I lost my complaint. Nonetheless it was an important part of my process of speaking up and out. It had to be my decision only, and I had to feel ready.

It would have been counterproductive and painful for anyone to push me. It had to be my choice.

[Deejay14]

In my state there is a statute of limitations. So you could report it to authorities but if you're over the # of years the abuser effectively gets away with it. My abuser moved to another state. I don't think I will sleep soundly again until I know he is six feet under. I haven't been a good sleeper for eons but when I moved away to college I slept very well.

[weaverbeaver]

Thank you all for your help. I think my t feels very strongly about it, I am wondering if she has been abused before. If I did report it would not be good for my health at all and an hour a week with her would not be enough support to get my through.
My family wouldn’t support me and I would have no friends to support me because everybody knows him.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

If she thinks continuing to discuss this is important for your health, then she's within good practice. If she's doing it from her private sense of justice, she's way out of line. It would be considered "exerting undue influence" and an ethical violation.
In the greater karmic universe, a non-action is an action. But that is a matter of personal philosophy regarding responsibility, and her view is her view--she has no right to impose it upon you.
Did he abuse your friend, too? Why is ignoring the potential impact on your friend less important than the impact on other potential victims? Her reasoning seems very simplistic to me.

I don’t know if he abused anyone else, I always suspected he may have abused her sister. But that’s just it suspected. I have no concrete evidence.
It feels like there is more to this then me, I feel like she wants to punish him, she has some private vendetta against all men who abuse.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Why not just tell her he is dead? I see no problem with lying to those people if it helps.

I wish I had of done that in the start. I am seriously not going to tell anyone else about it now because I don’t feel safe discussing it with ts anymore.

[seeker33]

I absolutely understand why you don't want to report. I believe it would cause only pain and problems to you, while not protecting any potential victims since they probably don't exist.
If needed, tell your t if she doesn't stop pushing you'll quit. That should sound seriously enough that she'll get it.
Please don't feel unsafe. People here are generally very kind and want to help. There might be some inaccurate conceptions but it's not because people are stalking, they just tried to provide info that would be helpful in your case. I strongly believe there was no evil intention, just a misunderstanding.

[unaluna]

If your therapist is pushing you to report an offender in a locale where there IS a statute of limitations, and there currently are no other children at risk that you know of, and she indeed has some personal vendetta that she is thrusting onto you, then i am glad you found this site for support.

I was worried about people here speculating about the legal facts and becoming anxious on your behalf. The legal facts, such as a statute of limitations as other posters suggested, would comfort me. However, i would not know how to deal with a t with any type of personal vendetta, so i will step out of this thread.

Im sorry if i made any incorrect assumptions in my researching the facts. We have many posters from different parts of the world where laws like these do exist.

I wish you well.

[weaverbeaver]

Thank you everyone for responding and for the support. I have decided that reporting is not anything I am interested in.
I know she wants for me to take back my power and choices but by pushing me is not letting me choose.

[missbella]

Nothing mystical occurred when I filed a complaint against a therapist, and I doubt it would have even if I had won. I did speak up and saw concretely that my therapist had the same justifications and insincerity he had when it happened.
Over the years I've tried to put myself in his shoes to understand his reality system.

I think empowerment can come through simply living life, pursuing goals, self-care, getting physically stronger. I find most of the equation omits the other person.

[lilypeppermint]

If your therapist doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to report and makes you feel responsible - which you’re not - they sound poorly informed about trauma. I’m sorry bud I think maybe it’s time to change T.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by lilypeppermint

If your therapist doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to report and makes you feel responsible - which you’re not - they sound poorly informed about trauma. I’m sorry bud I think maybe it’s time to change T.

I think so too. I am not really sure what training she has done but I feel like she doesn’t understand and needs more training in this area anyway.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by missbella

Nothing mystical occurred when I filed a complaint against a therapist, and I doubt it would have even if I had won. I did speak up and saw concretely that my therapist had the same justifications and insincerity he had when it happened.
Over the years I've tried to put myself in his shoes to understand his reality system.

I think empowerment can come through simply living life, pursuing goals, self-care, getting physically stronger. I find most of the equation omits the other person.

I think you are right about empowerment. Sometimes o forget that’s its about the everyday things like living your life as best as you can.

I am sorry to hear you had to file a complaint against your therapist. I imagine that’s a very hard process.