[mcl6136]

Hi all,

I've posted about this before, and here I go again. Sorry to have such a long post. I've been in therapy for a lot of my adult life and I've come to point where my relationship status is the issue that I want to work on. I am single and have been for a while after living with a guy for 10-plus years.

But my therapist just doesn't seem cut out for this topic. She has two different strategies that she alternates with me when I raise the topic. She either goes into one or the other of her schticks (I don't know what else to call them). Some sessions, when time allows, she brings out both of the schticks.

1) The first flavor is: You're kind of like other clients....who have decided, "they're just in the place in their lives where the love that they have comes from the world around them - friendships, work relationships, a spiritual community...etc, etc, RATHER THAN A PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP." Love is an inside job and you're not living well if you are looking for someone to "complete you."

2) The second flavor is: I think this whole search for a relationship is just a trust walk with the universe. Your excellent person is right around the corner and I want you to do your journal and your intention work.

Both of these responses leave me feeling like she doesn't have the tools to deal with me on this topic.

I get the first idea that she rolls out. My life doesn't NEED an intimate partner. I am pretty happy on the whole. I have a terrific job, home, and lots of outside interests. That's not the problem!

Her second strategy was one that kind of made sense, when I was in a certain New Age frame of mind. As the result partly of posting here, I'm doing all the journaling, intention-focusing stuff. It's been kind of fun...

BUT:

I would prefer a therapeutic relationship in which I could explore:
*Where I might meet a guy;
*What am I doing in terms of striking up conversations;
*What kind of relationship am I seeking?
*Have I GOTTEN OUT this week? Or am I expecting someone to break and enter?

Has anyone here ever tried a life coach in general? For relationship-finding in particular?

I am a few appointments from throwing in the towel on a great therapist, because when it comes to being a straight single girl, my therapist just doesn't seem to GET IT!!

What do you all think? And don't tell me to trust the Universe. Please!

Have you told her exactly what you want from her when you bring this topic up? Maybe that would help her help you? Tell her you know and understand the other stuff but you need this, this, and this?

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

Have you told her exactly what you want from her when you bring this topic up? Maybe that would help her help you? Tell her you know and understand the other stuff but you need this, this, and this?

I feel as though I have in some ways ..I keep bringing the topic up in the same way and getting the same answers. I guess I need to spell out the way I would like the therapy to unfold, which seems kind of ...strange. I'm guessing that just like with all tough topics, I'm just going to have to jump right in!

I almost feel like saying: The two of us have tackled big things, and it's worked, but the way we are working on this ..isn't working!

I wonder if I just need another T?

[growlycat]

I need a guy to break and enter. Wait that didn’t sound right...

I struggle with a similar issue. T is good at pushing me to go out and do things but beyond that not so helpful.

I’ve never tried a dating coach or a life coach. I’d be curious how the approach would be different.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I need a guy to break and enter. Wait that didn’t sound right...

Dying... right up my alley humor wise.

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I feel as though I have in some ways ..I keep bringing the topic up in the same way and getting the same answers. I guess I need to spell out the way I would like the therapy to unfold, which seems kind of ...strange. I'm guessing that just like with all tough topics, I'm just going to have to jump right in!

I almost feel like saying: The two of us have tackled big things, and it's worked, but the way we are working on this ..isn't working!

I wonder if I just need another T?

I have found that talking around things or hinting at things and expecting T to just know what im thinking... it never works. Try just spelling it out exactly what you need... she might even appreciate the direction.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

I have found that talking around things or hinting at things and expecting T to just know what im thinking... it never works. Try just spelling it out exactly what you need... she might even appreciate the direction.

I'm going to do just that!!!!

[fille_folle]

My opinion of life coaches isn't very high. I tend to see them as wannabe therapists without the education or training to back up their supposed authority.

[mcl6136]

[QUOTE=fille_folle;6125739]My opinion of life coaches isn't very high. I tend to see them as wannabe therapists without the education or training to back up their supposed authority.[/QUOTE
Me too....sigh

[CantExplain]

Maybe try a dating service. If your dates go badly, that might be something your T can help with. But a T can't find dates.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Maybe try a dating service. If your dates go badly, that might be something your T can help with. But a T can't find dates.

Huh? Did anything in my original message indicate that I wanted my T to FIND DATES?

It did not.

I was struggling with weight and eating issues. My current T and I dealt with this issue, week in and week out. I lost the extra pounds.

I felt stuck in a rotten job. My current T and I dealt with this poisonous situation and I moved into a better job that pays 20K more and is closer to my home for a better commute.

I had a stress related health problem. It has resolved.

This progress happened because of the checking in, sharing, and feeling of having a place of support to make change and taking consistent steps to make change. I've done a lot and I'm proud of it. I don't recognize the old me some days.

I'm not naive enough to think that my T can find me a date. But I have made ENORMOUS progress by working with my T on other issues, and I had hoped to do the same with this issue. I had hoped to be able to tell T about places I was going where potential partners might be; how I am processing being single at this stage of my life; about how some of the dates that I have had are going; how e-dating can be kind of distressing. I felt those would be good lines of inquiry. But my efforts to do so seem to go nowhere and I wrote previously about how the talks between me and T seem to run aground.

THAT was the issue that I was hoping to explore here on PC. I've gotten some valuable feedback and I thank others for providing that for me.

blessings,
MCL

[growlycat]

My t has said how other clients have found e dating pretty horrific. Etiquette goes out the window. People who aren’t interested after a date just don’t respond.
T keeps pushing me towards volunteering which I may end up doing

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by growlycat

My t has said how other clients have found e dating pretty horrific. Etiquette goes out the window. People who aren’t interested after a date just don’t respond.
T keeps pushing me towards volunteering which I may end up doing

Etiquette seems to be dying an unnatural death.

I have found the online stuff to be horrific and I have shared some of that here, and also with T.

Thanks for your response. This has been a real rough patch for me.

[amicus_curiae]

[QUOTE=mcl6136;6125811]

Originally Posted by fille_folle

My opinion of life coaches isn't very high. I tend to see them as wannabe therapists without the education or training to back up their supposed authority.[/QUOTE
Me too....sigh

I could never afford a life coach. Sometimes I wish that I would stop dismissing my caregiver and ask her advice. Mostly, she questions me about her relationship woes. She’s 30-years-younger than me. That’s almost a generation.

We don’t have the same heroes. She doesn’t cry when John Lewis cries hearing Lewis cry when talking about RFK. I like John Lewis. I’m hoping that I go first.

‘Life coaches.’ Sounds like a made-up job that you’d go into after failing every other endeavour. Maybe you have to be extraordinarily fit to become a life coach.

Maybe that Tinder app is still available?

Sheesh, I don’t know... I think that I’d tell your shrink that you feel ready for some outdoor excercise?

It sounds like you have brought up quite explicitly and repeatedly what you would like in this area and the T is not compliant. Maybe better not to expect and push it then with her as she is unlikely to be helpful. I don't know if a therapist could be useful with this, it does sound more like what a life coach might do. Or maybe even another T who practices a more pragmatic approach. Although the fact that you seem to struggle with dating probably shows that there are some blocks that prevent it to be smooth and successful, and maybe exploring more deeply what makes it a challenge at all could be useful? In any case, if I found multiple times that someone is not helpful in a particular area, I would stop pushing. No one is good at everything and it sounds like this T is just not a match for you in the dating issue area.

[Favorite Jeans]

I don't know if dating relationships work that way. I don't think that finding Mr/Ms/Mx Right can be the yardstick by which measure your success in therapy. There is too much luck involved. Not settling for an asshole is a measure of success in therapy.

I mean her platitudes would drive me bonkers. But what can you do really except build the best, fullest, most awesome life you're able to build yourself and keep getting out there?

Build a life that is so great that you'll be okay without a partner. When your life is great and your friends are great, you can afford to be picky because you're looking for someone to add to great not rescue you from miserable.

My worry about a life coach is that it isn't an accredited profession. Anyone can do it. If they harm you, there's no licencing body to protect you.