Ts with terrible boundaries

My friend goes to therapy with a t whom I know has a very dodgy reputation.
I try not to let what I know interfere with what we talk about but my friend is bringing her concerns about her t to me a lot lately and I am finding it hard to keep a balanced view her.
This week my friend was very upset as her t had contacted her ex to ask to meet up. Not in a professional manner like client and t but in another capacity. T asked him to do something in her house. Of course my friend was distraught and wondered what ts motivation was behind it.
I am horrified by the whole concept and I don’t want to say “I told you so” I want to be supportive and so I want to get a second opinion of this. I am over reacting by being horrified or does this see appropriate to you?

You can be supportive with saying “I told you so.” It’s like telling a friend you have doubts about someone they’re seeing: “Look, I know you love Z, but you don’t seem very happy and I haven’t seen him treat you like you deserve, so I just wanted to express my concern and see if you were okay. I’m here for you.” Adjust for therapist.

Since it seems you know therapists in your area, could you recommend another therapist to your friend?

(Oh, and to answer your question, yes, it seems like something is off, as best I can tell from third-hand information.)

I have recommended before and she declined which of course is perfectly ok because choosing a t has to be your own choice!
It’s not that I know that many ts it’s just this one seems to have such a bad reputation. I usually don’t listen to rumours but when I heard this and a few other things it made me listen.
Thank you for your advice

So basically this is a t, a client, and the client's ex.

The ex was never a client, right? So there isnt really a dual relationship. How does your friend even know about it, would be my question.

It seems to me, the t and the ex are free to engage in whatever, technically. Except that if i were the client, i would probably drop that t! If the ex were just doing construction work for the t, some temporary employment like that, or even housecleaning, it probably wouldnt bother me. Still, it is on the brink of a dual relationship and that to me could be unethical.

The ex was never a client and the she knows about it because the t rang her to ask for the ex’s number. When asked why she needed it, the t went on to explain how she would be asking him over to do x work but he is not even an x worker. So it’s all very confusing for her.
You are right, it’s not a dual relationship but there is something fishy about it in that this t is going out of her way to get to know my friends ex. I wondered why my friend didn’t just say to her t when she rang looking for his number. “This is wrong on so many levels’ .

I don't think you have to do anything but listen to your friend. People get to make their own mistakes. It doesn't matter what the actual deal is that is going on. It is not your problem. Being horrified or not is not, to me, the issue here. Be horrified if you want or tell your friend how you would handle such a situation if it happened to you -but beyond that - I don't see what it has to do with you or your reaction. It is your friend's problem. I don't mean that coldly either - I mean it as don't get meshed up into something that is not yours to get meshed up into. Support your friend by listening and other than that, stay out of it.

Then the t is REALLY not respecting the clients privacy.

One, by making the phone call to the client to ask for the ex's number. What was she thinking?! She REALLY abused her power over your friend, just by calling.

Either they are friends, or they are t and client. If they are both, then i would think one relationship suffers - either the friendship, or the therapy is at risk.

I'm not sure why you're bringing that here either?

Thank you for the good advice!
It’s true, it’s not really my problem. All she needs is for me to listen and not judge her. It’s not really my business but I just worry sometimes.

I agree and this is why I worry- something is not quite right. It seems that my friend gets confused too- are they friends or are they t and client.
I felt it was an abuse of the ts power but it’s not my place to say. I just want to be supportive because it’s a really messed up situation.

I am not sure what you mean?
This is a place for discussing therapy, is it not?

Are you worried about the reputation and boundaries of your therapist? Is there some projection going on for you?

This is not my therapist so no I am not worried about this therapists reputation because I don’t have a direct relationship with him.

I understand this is not your therapist. I wondered if you have (unconscious) concerns about your therapist and are using this example with your friend as a vehicle to voice your worries or anxieties about your own therapeutic experiences. I am obviously off track. Or is it whack? Whatever, I am wrong so move along everyone!

Whoa. That's really bad. In general I agree about not becoming too enmeshed and letting people make their own mistakes and of course in the end your friend has to make their own decisions.

But the therapeutic relationship can be mysterious and powerful and bizarre even when everything is appropriate and above-board. It can be hard to know the difference between appropriate-bizarre and totally-effed-bizarre. Unlike other types of relationships (eg romantic, familial) there's not a ton about appropriate vs. abusive psychotherapy relationships in popular media. Plus many people feel that being in therapy is something they don't wish to advertise which makes it hard to get any perspective on what goes on there.

Knowing that you know something about therapy, your friend might be asking you for a reality check. Like, "Hey WB does this seem normal to you or what?" I think it's okay to be that reality check. If you think about it, that is a huge part of the function of this forum.

I don't know if I'd go to "I told you so," though the temptation would be hard to resist, I'd say something like "Wow, that sounds extremely unprofessional. You wouldn't give such a red-flaggy cable guy access to your house, why would you give this person access to your mind/heart/emotions? The risk of being hurt is real." And thereafter with every horror story be like "you know what I think, what else can I say?"

Weaverbeaver, if I were you I would feel concerned too. You are very supportive, your friend is lucky to have you looking out for her. I think by listening and caring, you're giving her space to figure out the right thing to do.

Perhaps there is something unconscious stirring. I have had experiences of therapists with bad boundaries in the past so I guess that’s why I worry for her.
I trust my own t completely and feel that she has very good boundaries most of the time.
Thank you for your post, it has me thinking about what is coming up for me.
I don’t think you are wrong or off whack at all and thank you!

Thank you, this is a great post! Especially because it’s so true, why would we let a dangerous cable guy into our house( we have all seen the Jim Carey movie) but yet we let our ts into our heads and hearts without a second thought!
I am especially concerned because this t asks so many questions about her ex and I thought that was a bit strange! Especially since my friend says she doesn’t bring them into therapy anymore.
I am trying to stay neutral but I can’t help be biased because every hair on my neck is standing up just thinking about it. Therapists have so much power over is and I really think this t is playing a game.
I am not going to say I told you so to her but in my head I keep repeating it.
Thanks again for your post

Why are you trying to staying neutral? A good friend has a responsibility to speak up when they see something that they think is likely to hurt their friend. You don't owe the crappy therapist anything. Expressing concern for a concerning situation does not need to involve any sentiment along the lines of "I told you so." It doesn't matter whether you were right or wrong that something is up with this T. Your job as a friend is to be kind and supportive and direct about something you see that seems off in your friend's life. Once you've done that, you're free to back off and let your friend do whatever they're going to do.

This is an interesting question. It almost seems as if you are trying to manage your natural friend response in order to maintain some kind of professional assessment or exterior. It is not your job to understand a dual therapeutic relationship, but you can be a friend and indulge all the biased care which that often involves. Unless you have professional insight and then I guess it's harder to separate out the responses.