[MissCharlotte]

When I began my work with T, he would ask me what feeling was attached to a particular memory and I could not always describe it. I had, and still have, difficulty describing my feelings and allowing myself to feel.

I love words and their qualities and I have always been more comfortable in the intellectual realm; attaching definitions to things; using just the right word to describe something; looking at a situation through a different lens to see if I could glean new information.

That propensity has actually been a hindrance to my therapy. I hide behind these words, these definitions; the textual context of experience. In that way I don't have to feel the hurt, the pain, the abandonement, the loneliness, the despair.

Letters and words are static. They stay where you put them. Their meaning can change depending on the reader but once put down on paper, they don't go anywhere.

I know that many of you, my friends, are able to use psychological terminology to describe your therapeutic experience. I am jealous of your ability because it is in that concrete foundation that I am most comfortable. The tower of words that we buld around us is a blanket of safety.

However, I have avoided this part of our repartee in order to try and force myself to stay in the feeling state while I am in therapy. I have not read as many of the psychology books that you have, although I confess to buying one of Yalom's early on. However, I put it away. If I begin to read these books I will not be able to feel. Anything.

Words can numb me.

[ECHOES]

sister, I just shared with T a few days ago that I feel embarrassed because I read so many psych books, but I can't relate that material to me. I read it, understand it, but I can't apply it to me and I feel so stupid about that. She said that's natural to read it and absorb it in that way.

I thought since I couldn't apply it to my stuff it was a waste of time. I was going to say I wasn't going to ready any more psych stuff. I had decided that I was trying too hard and what I was really trying to to was to figure things out outside of session, to be the therapist and that it's a resistance to being the patient. I thought these books would help me find my own words to put with what I feel, but that hasn't happened.

I love words too and struggle to name my emotions. In the last 2 sessions she has abruptly asked What are you feeling right now? I laugh, defensively, and say I don't know. It seems like feelings are extremes, with a blankness in between that has no name. She must think I'm an idiot, huh?

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I have avoided this part of our repartee in order to try and force myself to stay in the feeling state while I am in therapy.

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I think it's wonderful that you know this is what you need and so you do it--taking good care of you. I confess to feeling jealous as I read that.

Yalom and any others can wait. You're more important

[Perna]

I think I understand where you are coming from; why I called my blog "Non-Intellectual" :-)

http://perna.psychcentral.net/about/

[sunrise]

Hi sister, I think what you have said is very wise. You sound like you "know yourself" and are doing what is best for you in therapy (not reading psych books). I can see how over-analyzing and comparing oneself to what one reads in books could force one out of feeling mode. It's interesting to me that even though I am a highly analytical person, I seem to be able to walk into T's office and feel feel feel. It kind of amazes me, actually.

I'm kind of a psych dunderhead. I never studied it in school and know very little. It has been very helpful to me to learn more about psych by posting and reading here on PC. When I first came here 10 months ago, I was several months in to my second therapist (the current guy), and I was experiencing transference, and it was freaking me out! I felt there was something deviant and aberrant about it. I was really reassured by learning more about transference from more knowledgable people here on PC and also by reading the In Session book. I saw that I wasn't so abnormal and in fact, transference could be therapeutic. So, for me, it actually helped me cope with therapy to learn more. Without that intellectual knowledge, I might have quit therapy. I think we are all different, though. And I can see how I could probably definitely go overboard and learn "too much", if that makes sense.

Right now I am reading a book that is really helpful to me. I guess I wouldn't call it a psych book, although it is written by a psychologist. It is a communication book, and wow do I ever need major help with my communication skills! The book is Non-violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I am really being profoundly affected by this book. For me, it doesn't feel like I am intellectualizing by reading this book. I am being exposed to a way of thinking and communicating that really resonates with me, and inspires me to want to do it too. To me, books can be really valuable and an important adjunct to my personal growth. In my next session with T, I am eager to talk about some of the problems I have in communicating, why I have them, and how I can change them. I'd almost like to have a conversation on a difficult topic with him and have him stop me each time I utter something that derails the communication process rather than aids it. Kind of like word by word coaching so I can really see what I am saying to f**k things up.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Sunny,

Books are a most important part of my life. In fact, they have been my survival. I am surrounded by books at this very moment. I have become somewhat of a joke in my family because I am always the one to find a book to explain whatever the current dilemma is.

Your communication book sounds interesting.

It is because of this love of text that I had to limit access (for me) to intellectual explanations of the process in order to stay in touch with my feelings. I am jealous of your ability to walk in and just "feel, feel, feel." I always wondered who those people are who can do that!!

Me, I would blanket myself with a sheet of words and never feel a thing!!!

Peace.

[Cyran0]

This is interesting so thank you for posting it. I too have a love of language and the power of words. What strikes me here is that I have the opposite reaction to the clinical terms and psych lingo that's thrown around.

If I think about myself in clinical terms I feel trapped and hopeless. It's exactly that concrete property you mentioned that makes me panic. I have to step back and remind myself that while yes, I do have this disease and the label is appropriate, it's still just me and I can change and evolve. I need it to remain personal for me to maintain hope.

Language is a fascinating beast.

Cyran0

[pachyderm]

I think the ability to speak and write with precision in words is very valuable. I feel good when I can put my feelings into words -- and that often takes quite a while. The words I use, though, are not psychobabble, not the common usage of the psychologist or psychiatrist. I try to formulate them in everyday language.