I'm so past my breaking point. I can't take it anymore.

I just found out another person I went to school with committed suicide. This is the 7th or 8th suicide I've experienced. I witnessed a suicide at age 4 or 5 that was so horrifying. I have *never* experienced a normal death yet. When I lost the last person, I completely flipped out and nearly went inpatient. Now, it's just once step closer to going there because I can't hold it together.

On top of that, I am MPD and my alters are having horrible horrible flashbacks constantly. One just cries the whole time and longs to let it all out. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the yelling, I can't take it anymore. I can't.

It's Sunday night at nearly 930 and I want to just run away and hurt myself to the point of no return. I promised T I'd call her anytime if it got this bad, but I feel horrible calling her at home. I'm at a loss, and I feel like it doesn't matter anyway, the pain will just keep coming and coming, never ever letting me live.

[jacq10]

((((((((((Stormyangels))))))))))
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain and anguish you're experiencing right now. Death by itself is a hard enough thing to deal with, let alone when you see/hear about it turning out like this.
And maybe its a little bit late at night now ... but i'm sure you're T wouldn't have told you to call her if she didn't mean it. I often times find its hard to believe people when they say it, but i know that when i say it i mean it, and all you can do is accept that what they're saying is also true. If not, then its not your fault, it would be their's in saying it. But, i know that no matter if they mean it or not, its still hard calling them. Do you have any close friends or family that you could contact when you are feeling like this?
Reaching out is one of the hardest things, but its the most rewarding. Sometimes just knowing that you're not alone in your thoughts is enough to help you get through a rough patch - even just a little bit.
Stay safe, and know that you have us here for support as well.
hugs,
Jacq

I am hoping you stay safe tonight. Did you call your T? Does she have an answering service so maybe you could just connect that way-- and then you can stay safe and wait for her to call back tomorrow.

I am so sorry about the pain you are experiencing.

[MissCharlotte]

((Stormy))

Oh I hope you called T and are feeling safe right now.

If you feel that desparate still and can't call T, please call a hotline so you can talk to someone.

Peace and love.

I didn't call her. I suffered in silence. I saw her today at 11 and I didn't come out, one of my little ones did trying to sort through flashbacks. Couldn't go there. She spent the entire hour just clinging to our T. Though they did not talk much, it was healing for her.