Feeling bitter and resentful about therapist's situation

@feralkittymom: Again, I think your analysis could very well be right. At the same time, though, I do have pretty high standards. Do my "shoulds" about the therapy space being conducive really stem from unresolved issues in my infancy years? Because there are articles and research out there talking about how these spaces should be conducive. I understand it's difficult to choose the best therapy office due to convenience, location, rent, et cetera. But don't therapists try to make the really warm and conducive? Say how would you feel about doing therapy in a room with plain white walls and two wooden chairs? That's all there is in the room.

I don't know if a sabbatical leave is what she is taking from the university. All she said was that the university - also a hospital where she works at - will be making accommodations for her such as video call in order for her continue her work. That doesn't sound like a sabbatical to me. It sounds like she is still receiving a full salary with benefits. And two people who decided to have a child can't handle the responsibility of it that the therapist has to make the move? You decide to create life; you bear the responsibilities and consequences that follow. Now it's causing a ripple effect on others. I also have a feeling that the therapist might want to be there. Like I said, one year is a huge commitment to make right off the bat. If that's where her heart is, then she should just make a permanent move. Because the situation right now is neither here nor there; it's too much uncertainty and iffiness. She is essentially asking her patients to have faith that she will return after one year. Well; first she said she would give her patients a year's notice if she moves. But this is a month's notice. A lot can happen in one year.

How do I let the resentment go if not magnify it? I can't even find any consolation in all of this. Find me one. Anger is tiring, but makes me feel strong at the same time. It's the only refuge that I have. And right now, I want her to hurt like I do - and all her other patients probably do, too.

ETA: She can have an independent reality apart from me. I just don't want to be abandoned or dropped into the unknown - and this is what it feels like. I need a better understanding of the situation because right now, when I look down at the map ahead, I see dread and uncertainty. What situation changed? The baby's situation changed? The parents' situation changed? Her heart changed? Knowing the primary motivating factor for her temporary move could give me a better map for the forecast of the year ahead and the odds of her returning back here or not. If she tells me that the baby's situation changed, it gives me more on the map. By the way things are playing out, it doesn't seem like it's a life or death situation; otherwise, she would have made the move right away instead of waiting for end June to roll around. If she tells me that the parents' situation changed, if it's for a year, I feel I have a better map, too. If she tells me that her heart's situation changed, I feel more iffy about the situation.

If your therapist is actually an MD who also provides some form of traditional psychotherapy, three sessions a week at $25 a pop is more than generous when, for most prescribers, she can charge $90+ for a 15 minute med check, which not only is more financially beneficial for her, but is also probably less emotionally and physically taxing. And this is even more true if each of your sessions is the standard 50 minutes.

Look — I know it's all very upsetting, but stuff like this happens. Life happens. And it's hardly ever cut and dry. You also have to remember that mental health professionals only have to follow whatever their state/association guidelines dictate is adequate enough not to open them up to being sued for "abandonment." Beyond that, everything else is essentially a courtesy and at the discretion of the treaters.

Also keep in mind that most people who have been involved in the mental health system for any length of time has likely had to go through this at least once and they still made it. Not to say that it doesn't get difficult or sometimes a little hairy, but people still adapt and overcome.

For example, I'm one of them. A few years ago, my psychiatrist considered not accepting insurance anymore because of the amount of time and hassle it adds to his day/week when when he has to fight with them over the phone and he already has a very full plate (full-time ECT doc, psych resident and med student lecturer, private practice and a wife with two kids).

Thankfully, he ultimately decided against it, but for a few weeks I was in a bit of a panic because I've seen the billing codes and invoices and he's not cheap. For a thirty minute combined med adjustment and psychotherapy appointment, he charges something like $180 before insurance.

I had no idea what I was going to do because even if I stayed stable and pushed appointments out to every three to six months instead of three to four weeks — and even including whatever money I got back from my insurance company after I submitted third-party reimbursement paperwork — I didn't think I'd be able to afford to keep seeing him.

But ultimately, I was prepared for possibly having to find a new MD, both because I had zero control over whether my psychiatrist took insurance or not and also because I knew he had to look out for himself and his family as much as his patients. And as long as I've known him, I've known him to be very thoughtful and considerate of others, so I knew whatever decision he made wouldn't be made solely out of greed, selfishness or whatever.

Sorry, but I think finding you another therapist IS taking responsibility and coming up with a solution. I am unsure as to my understanding of what more you think she should have done - not go out to help out with the infant? Please realise that beyond anything else a therapist's priority of responsibility is for their family first. Your therapist has made reasonable efforts to accommodate you and I think you should be respectful and understanding about this. Yes it sucks, but these things happen and she has done all she can do.

Furthermore, you seem to have difficulty accepting personal responsibility for what ails you. Before you gripe, stop and consider if is is actually warranted.

Why not focus on what would be best for you to do? You know your t will be gone for a year. You don’t know for certain that she will come back. Or when, really. She may decide to stay an additional 6 months or even permanently. She can’t predict the outcome of her situation. How will your needing to know more about the baby situation change the uncertainties of the future? You know that you will get 3 phone sessions a week for $25/ea plus see another t once a week for $50 (?) for now. Does that arrangement work for you? I know this is all scary and unfortunate. You do have choices. Do what will be best for your own personal growth. That is your responsibility.

I think OP can complain, gripe, etc here - that is a perfectly good use of this forum and OPs thread. Feeling terrible about this is understandable and complaining about it here would seem to me be a place that it makes sense. Also complaining to the therapist as much as one wants. It is not going to change it, but it may help to do it.

My thoughts echo these. You're directing all of your energy into feeling angry with and making demands of your therapist. Whether or not you think how your therapist is responding is reasonable, the reality is still that she's leaving for a year.

The anger is understandable, and so is the desire for your therapist to help make this all less painful for you. But by staying fixated in this place of blaming her, you avoid the reality that she's leaving and you will need to adapt.

What she "should" do is irrelevant. What do you gain by feeding your anger towards her? Is it a way to create separation before she leaves? A way to try to gain control (illusory as it may be) over a situation you can't control?

I'd be devastated too if my therapist were leaving for a year with the potential for her not to return at all. I'd like to hope that after expressing all of my feelings about it, I'd try to use the time I have left with my therapist to discuss what would actually be in my best interest. I don't think I could bear the distance and would want time, as limited as it might be, to grieve the relationship and find someone new with whom to work.

I'd be fuming and acting out all over the place.

Afraid I don't believe that my PDOC owes me ANYTHING outside the hour I pay for.
He doesn't owe me anything. I have only paid for that 60mins. Everything outside of that is his business not mine. And honestly I couldn't give a toss what he does, if he had to go away tomorrow I would wish him well.

We can plan for every eventuality but sometimes things happen that we just can't help.

I hope your able to work something out that suits.

If you think her making the move permanent would be better for you, then why don't you make that happen by choosing to terminate in favor of working with the local therapist? You have control over the ambiguity. You wouldn't choose to do that because it would remove resentment as the driving force. You still can't let go of the office issues, despite that fact that they are irrelevant--she's leaving. While your situation is a challenge, and full of uncomfortable feelings, you're the only one making the choice to put yourself in the role of a victim. You are choosing to sustain the ambiguity of your circumstances. The price you pay for that is increased negative feelings. You can choose to separate thinking from feeling. It's possible to approach this as " I feel xyz, but I'm not going to act in accordance with my feelings." But if that's not where you are, then that's not where you are.

I have been seen at least ten other psychiatrists and therapists before meeting the current therapist. Other mental health professionals did not take the time to get to know me and wanted to medicate me right away. And some of them unethically terminated me without any referrals - call it abandonment. I lost all faith in the notion of "therapy." But when I lost my best friend four years ago, I met this therapist. Even the in-take therapist recommended medication; that was why she put me up with the therapist who is an MD. But the therapist said that when she met me, it was immediately evident that I didn't need to be medicated. She was patient and took time to get to know me. Don't get me wrong; I am not in love with the therapist like some patients do, but because she took time to get to know me without judging me, that woman and the work we've done together the past two and a half years mean a lot to me. I had been let down by too many mental health "professionals" prior to seeing her.

Before you guys think that I am unable to take personal responsibility, I did once tell the therapist that when I have a stable income some day, I would automatically increase the therapy fee. I just feel that she owes me something in this situation because it changes my therapeutic trajectory, and the problem originates from her. Fine; technically, she is not obligated to make any financial accommodations, but it feels unfair that because of her personal life, I have this load on my shoulders now.

If I'm a therapist and if I can afford to do it, I would make those financial accommodations for my patient. I realize it wouldn't be a professional obligation on my part at all, but I wouldn't be a therapist just to make money; I'd go into the field actually wanting to help. And I wouldn't want my patient to not be able to continue therapy just because of financial reasons stemming from a change in my personal life. We're talking about legality versus virtue here. I don't care that legally, there's no obligation. Because based on principle and virtue, I did change the situation after all, so I'd try my best to ensure my patient has continued services. Now, who wants to be my patient if I'm ever well enough to be a therapist?

@circleincircles: I think the therapist is trying to arrange a meeting with the other therapist who she thinks would be a good fit. I asked if she could be at the meeting, too, and the therapist said that might be a good idea. And yes; I think you are right that feeding my anger is now helping me to keep her at a double, triple arm's length away from me. Because right now, I feel that I've been robbed of something and our therapeutic relationship was some kind of lie.

@feralkittymom: It's way too exhausting to start all over again with someone especially in psychodynamic and analytic work. Even if I stop seeing the therapist and see someone else instead, I would be lucky if 75 dollars even cover one session with the other therapist. And I mentioned the therapy office and noise issue only to respond to what you said about seeing it as parallel to this situation.

And I know that I should be going into what's left of our in-person therapy sessions to also grieve about our relationship. Maybe I'm in the anger phase of the grieving process - I don't know. I thought about making her a card before she leaves, but right now, that is one of the furthest things from my mind. Where I'm at right now, and how I'm feeling, I don't want to talk about little doves. Right now, I hope she steps on a Lego brick, barefoot. That wouldn't even be a fraction of how I'm feeling right now.

I agree. I'm always looking (esp in other peoples situations - not so easy to see in my own!) for what is BEHIND these feelings. Sure, there is a "simple" solution (like people say husbands are notorious for wanting to provide solutions to wives problems instead of just LISTENING), but what ELSE is going on, like transference-wise? What old wound is this rubbing salt into?

Eta - just read mm's latest post. Just wanted to say, i wrote what i did BEFORE reading it.

The therapist doesn't "owe" you anything! You should be grateful for what she has done, even only charging you $25. You're only thinking about yourself. T is thinking about her loved ones. While it's not her responsibility to care for her daughter and grandbaby, it is her choice. And even though you don't like that, you have to respect it.

@ScarletPimpernel: Of course I'm only thinking about myself. It's not my job or role to think or care about the therapist and the people in her life.

ETA: I did say to her that I hope everything over there will be okay and that her patients are coping okay with what's happening. I said that from one human being to another. But these lovey-dovey feelings aside, I have anger and resentment as a patient.

I agree - it is not the client's job to think about or care about the therapist or their outside life. I also do not see where a client should be grateful to a therapist - therapists do what they want.

It's not your job to worry about her and her family. However, it would be rational to accept her decision to which she has got full right. The vast majority of people would prefer taking care of their family before their clients. I don't know how you are so sure she's going on a year long holiday or honeymoon. I think it's highly probable taking care of an ill baby and helping stressed parents won't be much fun.

As you say, when you are in session, you as a client shouldn't be worrying about your T's private problem. However there are situations when you communicate not as a T and client, but as two people. And people should understand that this is a situation that is no one's fault and simply has to be accepted as a fact of life. I believe by charging you only 25 dollars she has already shown a remarkable will to help you almost for free and her good will. There's nothing more she can do for you, she even found another good T for you and is willing to keep in touch. I understand your frustration and fear, I would feel the same, but in this case, I believe your therapist has done more than she is obliged and doesn't owe you anything at all.

By the way, wishing someone to feel pain is not right. She has a seriously ill grandchild, you don't know what kind of emotions she goes through. I'm sure she won't share those with you, but I bet it has to be really serious when she has to leave her career and help them like that. To be very honest, I think you wishing her even more pain is very selfish.

@seeker33: She isn't leaving her career; she will still be working. The way I see it, she has the best of both worlds: family and work. We don't know that the baby is "seriously ill." All she said was "the situation changed." I've seen the statistics. Most premature babies who get out of the NICU do very well without any health problems. One life versus the lives of how many patients? Twenty? All lives are on equal footing to me. "Family" means nothing to me.

From one person to another, I don't want her to hurt. But in the therapeutic relationship and how I'm feeling right now, I want her to step on a Lego brick barefoot.

If her adult child is ill, I would not be this angry. But the fact that it has to do with a baby makes me very angry. People shouldn't even be procreating anymore in the first place. But that's a different topic.

Sadly, I think this is exactly the topic, actually. You are not pissed off at your therapist, you are pissed off at the baby for getting the unconditional love you want.

Feelings are not rational and right now - it makes sense that the OP is upset.

I understand this is a very painful issue for you and I'm sorry you have to go through this...
I also hear how you don't get the concept of family. I don't get the concept of love because I've never been in love in my life (if we don't count platonic crushes in my teens that were only one-sided). So I never understand all the talk about love, romantic songs or talk about sex. It means nothing to me. But I do rationally understand and respect that for most people it's something very intense and their partner is more important to them than I am. It's biological.

Could you perhaps understand on the rational level that even though you can't feel that way, for most people, family is priority? For emotional, cultural, social and perhaps economic reasons?

Edit: Please believe me, I am truly sorry you're in this situation. I would be devastated if my T left me, too. It's normal to feel sad, frustrated and even angry with the fate/universe/God... It's just I don't think it's fair to be angry with your T personally and demand something that unfortunately you have no right to.

@seeker33: Yes; I can understand the rational level of it.

This was actually what I said to the therapist: I said to her that emotional logic tells me that one should be there for family or close friends in need of help or going through a difficult time. But hardcore rationality and logic are saying what could she possibly do to change the objective situation.

So yes; I understand her inclination to make the move. But one year is a huge commitment. How did she even come to that conclusion? Here I have been all this while investing time, effort, and energy in our work. And she decides to pack her bags and take off for one year? I need to know how she decided on twelve months. Therapists usually do not reveal personal information unless it's beneficial to the patient - this is the general guiding principle. The therapist has shared personal information with me when it would benefit me. But she is withholding this reason. I think she needs to get that when we are in the therapy space together, she is a therapist, not a protective mother or grandmother.

I learned about this news last Friday. The first couple of days, I was in denial. When Monday rolled around, I started feeling angry and depressed. But after our meeting yesterday - that is Tuesday - my anger intensified. When I replay in my mind what she said to me, my blood boils.

The therapist said to me, "You need to figure out your money situation." I think it was at that point that my anger started to grow. Everything had been going well; we had the payment going well. We had everything wired up. And now, because of something happening in her personal life, I am suddenly and violently thrown into the unknown to "figure it out."

I agree with all of you that the therapist is professionally under no obligation whatsoever to make any financial accommodations. I am grateful that the clinic let me on the sliding scale, and that the therapist kept that fee even after she left the clinic to work in private practice. But that's not the point in this context. Two things.

1. This isn't about any unresolved infancy needs or issues that is why I think that the therapist owes me this financial accommodation. Just because one owns such unresolved issues doesn't mean that everything can or should be attributed to them.

2. Can we distinguish between professional non-obligation and principle virtue? I do not give a heck about what therapists are not obligated to do; I am looking at the principle virtue of the situation. I stand by what I said in an earlier post: If I'm a therapist and if I can afford to do it, I would make those financial accommodations for my patient. I realize it wouldn't be a professional obligation on my part at all, but I wouldn't be a therapist just to make money; I'd go into the field actually wanting to help. And I would hate if my patient is not able to continue therapy because of financial reasons, and the situation stems from a change in my personal life. We're talking about professional non-obligation versus virtue here. I don't care that professionally, there's no obligation. Because based on principle virtue, I did change the situation after all, so I'd try my best and make financial accommodations to ensure my patient has continued services.

Even if I am a full-paying patient, it is still unreasonable to be placed in a situation where I have to pay more money for continued therapy services because of a problem originating from the therapist's personal life. So it isn't that I am ungrateful that I am already on the sliding scale.

It is simply unreasonable and makes my blood boil that I have to go "figure it out" now because why? The therapist is moving for reasons in her personal life. If I cause such an interference in my patient's therapeutic trajectory to the point where continued services is jeopardized because my patient might not be able to pay, I see it as my responsibility - as a human being having a heart - to make the financial accommodations. Two people decide to procreate, things didn't turn out well, there's a ripple effect, and I am paying for their consequences? The more I think about it, the more it screams ridiculous.

I don't think there's any point trying to argue with your T's decision to spend a year helping to care for her grandchild. Whether you think it's justified or ridiculous, whether she's going to be living it up or working hard at tending a baby, it really doesn't matter. It also does not matter what you think you would do if you were a therapist. She isn't you. This was her decision to make, she made it, end of story.

As with the noise situation, your options are: accept what she offers, or stop consulting her. If you think she is heartless and ridiculous and without principles or virtue, then stop consulting her.

@Salmon77: The therapist and I already resolved the noise issue. I also did not say that her decision to make the move is ridiculous; I do not even know the motivating reason. What I said screamed ridiculous is how I was told to "figure out my money situation" because of something that happened in her personal life. I won't repeat my point "2." above.

What you say you would do in the future counts for absolutely nothing. You are being tested NOW. You say you would have a heart in the future, but where would this heart come from? Organs do not regenerate themselves.

Yes, you are being abandoned AGAIN. Of course you lay no (whats the word) by family, family never valued you either. You cant give out what youve never been given - i picture it like my bucket is empty.

But you are - literally, figuratively - in a different state now. People are offering you simple solutions - your t is saying, figure it out. I agree, that statement is not supportive. My t would say, lets figure it out together - because he actually was abandoned as a child and knows how it feels. Find yourself that kind of t, is my best advice. But yeah its hard, cuz a lot of them wont disclose their background.

I read your point 2. I'm saying you don't get to choose the rules she lives by, whether in terms of professional obligation or principle virtue. It's her choice. Whether you disagree with her choice or not, all you can really do is, yes, figure it out, because arguing won't accomplish anything.

I can understand the way you feel. My T has casually mentioned he will retire at some point and/or move away, and I have to work on my panic about that. I want things to always stay the same, not just with T but with everyone.

What interests me about your beliefs that it is your T who must make this work for you, that you should know more about the reasons, that you cannot "figure out your finances" or should not have to, is what work means to you. I don't think it's so much about that you don't understand family, I think you don't understand work. I'm guessing-- could very much be wrong-- that the extremely low fee you pay (which indicates to me, among my assumptions about your financial situation, that your T does not see you for the money-- an MD who works for $25/hr OR $75 per week?) is because you don't have a full time job.

IMO, work is voluntary and the professional who provides services is not obligated to promise to continue that work beyond the contract. People get to make the choices they want about the work they do, how they do it, and where and when they do it. When I take on a job, I say this is what I'm willing to do and this is what I will charge for it. I sometimes negotiate lower fees but I am allowed to do business in the way that works for me. There have been times when I have had to readjust my work to accommodate things in my personal life (a seriously ill spouse, for one), but I gave people as much notice as I could and did everything I could to honor my original commitments.

The way I see it, your T has already made massive accommodations to be able to work with you and that is no longer sustainable for her. It doesn't matter what the reasons are. She's told you what she's willing to do to continue to work with her in the way that she's willing. It's like an offer, and you can either accept or not. You can negotiate if you like, but IMO negotiation that begins with demands or asserts entitlement is unlikely to be successful. Asking questions like "could you help me figure out my finances so I could continue to work with you?" or "could you tell me a little bit more about what could happen in a year? How sure are you that you will return?" might be helpful to you.

Work in professional services is like one offer (and acceptance or not) after another. Work is not compulsory, and once contracted services are completed, either side is free to negotiate new services or walk away for any reason. You don't have any obligation to keep seeing her, and she doesn't have any obligation to continue seeing you on the same terms when those are no longer possible for her.