Feeling bitter and resentful about therapist's situation

Okay. So I can't afford to see another therapist. And the therapist cannot legally practice in another state while doing phone or video call therapy with patients here unless we also see someone in-person. This is the end of the road, then. Not everything has a happy ending. Not every life lives up to its potential. Thank you all for your input and honesty.

If the therapist is licensed in both states, why can’t she practice in both?

@atisketatasket: The therapist said that she will not be seeing any new patients in the state that she is moving to for the year. She said that she has the "intention" of returning after one year. So she is giving her patients here the option of continuing to do therapy with her through phone or video call. The therapist said that it would not be good practice for her to do phone or video call with patients while she is in another state unless we are also seeing someone here in-person. She attributed it to insurance as well.

I don't know if she meant that legally this is how it has to be for all patients or only some patients who are at a higher risk because of insurance stuff in the event that something happens.

I'm saying she's "incredibly generous" because if she DIDN'T care about her patients, she can obviously go full time focus on the premature baby and not work. I'm pretty sure she has savings to be able to move states just like that. And quite some income to offer a sliding scale in the first place. Many therapists going away for long periods simply stop work.

Edit: Sadly as you mentioned she isn't licensed in the other state, she can't do therapy. I hope she could create a parting gift for you or something, if you value transitional objects.

End edit.

As for are we all just "cases" or "projects:, I've definitely accused my own therapist of that numerous times when she ups and goes for long holidays, when she put everyone to once a month sessions or even less. But if you and her other patients were "just" cases, she wouldn't want to offer what she has offered. Plenty, plenty of therapists are totally "can't afford my fee? Tough luck, bye!" Maybe not even bother with referrals. The fact that she's trying to offer alternatives show you're not "just a case" to her but a client she values.

Second edit

Also she has put care into suggesting another therapist who might be a good fit.

You could work with that therapist, then resume seeing your T whenever she returns to your state.

While I understand extreme attachment, you can still do good work with another T. It's learning that the trust you've built with your current T can happen again with another person.

I've been there with a therapist going away with ZERO contact for 5? months to have a baby and she's expecting her second child now.

End edit

"It's all sunshine and rainbow with pretty, fresh-scented flowers, and unicorns dancing in the clouds all around her for the year ahead."

As someone born extremely premature, trust me it isn't awesome sunshine caring for such an ill infant. It's hard not just on the parents, but the people close to the parents.

The sad and incredibly painful thing is that nothing a therapist can do will give us the unconditional love we should have got as children, but did not get.

I was musing about the idea of principle that you brought up. The thing is, she has to choose how to use her time, energy, and effort, because none of us are given those things without limit. Life is complex and unexpected things happen.

We all have to try to balance the relationships we've brought into in our lives. Right now, your t is trying to balance how to be a good mother and grandmother, how to be a good worker for her university, how to be a good therapist for her clients. She cannot be guided by a single principle, her responsibility as a therapist; rather, she must choose which principles she will try to abide by and balance. It sounds like she's prioritized her roles: her personal responsibility to her family, plus the societal benefit created by stable extended family support; her professional responsibilities to her clients to offer them the best options she can while she's away; her responsibility to her position at the university; and probably she's trying to balance her responsibilities to friendships and professional relationships as well.

It's not fair. Sometimes life is like that.
I'm so sorry that it's not working out the way you'd hoped for. I hope you can find some kind of workable solution financially and therapeutically, whether it's a new therapist entirely or some kind of maintenance mode for the year your t is gone or finding other sources of support.

I want nothing to do with that woman and therapy right now - and possibly never again.

Well; I see the therapist again tomorrow. I just sent her an email saying that I am okay with seeing another therapist here to touch base once a week or twice a month depending on their fee. But I said that I am simply not at that point nor do I have the energy to start all over again investing in a new psychodynamic and analytic relationship. Maybe in the future, but not right now. I said that I can see an art or humanistic therapist - whatever - as long as I am not forced or cornered into doing deep relational or analytic work with that therapist. Intuitively, it feels confusing and just too much. In my email, I said that it is difficult enough as it is for me to return to therapy when I saw first saw her two and a half years ago. I feel suffocated with the expectation to do psychodynamic and analytic therapy with someone new. I do not mind talking about "lighter" or more practical matters with that in-person therapist while continuing my therapy work with the therapist through phone or video call. I feel that I can breathe better with this approach. It's less stressful, pressurizing, and overwhelming. Hopefully that is enough of good practice to meet the legal or her malpractice insurance requirements for us to continue our work through phone and video call.

I wanted to comment on few points:

1) Somewhere earlier you said that you don't think this is related to some infantile stuff. Considering the intensity of your feelings, to me it seems very much something that comes from very early age. As an adult, you would be able to understand that circumstances can change and thus, agreements must be occasionally negotiated again. But your feelings are very non-compromising and intense and to me they sound like the demands an infant could make to her mother (if the infant could speak). Similar to other posters, I think this is very difficult situation to be and this sounds like some very early stuff to me.

2) I have personal experience of seeing another analyst temporarily for a year. The situation was a bit different though because it was me who was relocating temporarily and I did anyway regardless of the fact that I was very dependent on my analyst and obsessed about him daily. At first we had agreed to work over skype but the situation was so difficult for me abroad and I couldn't wait for our first skype session and I just turned to the closest analytic institute for a referral. I also had not planned it because I thought it would be completely pointless because I was convinced that one year is not enough for me to develop trust and open up.

I was wrong and I was extremely lucky. I was referred to an analyst who deeply understood me and I found it much easier to trust him and develop a connection with him than my other analyst. I felt the true grief for the first time in my life when I had to stop seeing him because of moving back home. If possible, I would had continued seeing him.
Yeah, I could not afford to see him as often as I saw my home T (4 vs 2 times per week) but even for that he gave me a bit of reduction in session fee. So, I'm just saying that things can happen that you cannot even imagine.

@feileacan: No; I do think that some of this is related to unresolved infantile issues. But in terms of the therapist making financial accommodations, I do not think that is related to infantile issues. This whole problem originated from her personal life. And now it's on my shoulders to figure out my money situation or risk losing all that I had been working for in therapy and not have any continued services at all? Now that is what makes me angry.

In regards to your point 2, thank you for sharing that experience. But everyone is different. And right now, I just don't have anything to give to invest in a new therapy relationship doing deep psychodynamic or analytic work.

@QuietMind: You mentioned that it's about learning that the trust with the current therapist can happen again with another person. Just because I trust the therapist doesn't mean all trust issues are resolved and I can trust another person easily now. I think trust is very individual and unique depending on the person with whom you are interacting with.

But that's the thing, in an adult mindset you would be probable upset but would also understand that things can happen in people's personal lives that change the circumstances. One adult is not responsible for another adult's personal life and if something happens in one adult's personal life and the others have to consider how to proceed but still everyone is first and foremost responsible for themselves. With infants it is different. Infant cannot be responsible for herself and she is totally dependent on others. This is what I sense from your posts.

@feileacan: Hmm; I'm not sure. I take on the responsibility and ownership of paying for therapy on my own. The therapist had even mentioned engaging the help of the biological parents to pay for my therapy, but I said to her that this is a very personal journey, and regardless of what they did to me in the past, I want to own this therapy and pay for it with money that I make for myself. I really do think that even though the therapist has no professional obligation to make those financial accommodations, principle virtue dictates that she should because an issue in her personal life is now interfering with my therapeutic trajectory and I now risk potentially losing any continued therapy services.

Pardon my French, but what are you smoking? How is an ill child even remotely part of "the best of both worlds?" It's almost impossible to believe that you could actually be serious, but I think you are.

And as for your comment about NICU babies, you just straight up don't know what you're talking about. Aside from physical issues, NICU babies are at a much better risk of mental health problems, both Axis I & II disorders, as well as general problems with attachment to people

@peacelizard: Well; I ain't smokin' on nothin'. We don't know that the baby is "ill." All she said was "the situation changed." Perhaps the parents need to work and now she is going over to provide free nanny care.

Oh; so should I pour my heart out to these NICU babies? At the very least, this baby has a loving family and a grandmother who is willing to ditch all her patients and move to help him or her. That one precious little life that is so much more important than how many patients' lives? Twenty? Patients who might have been through worse *****, trauma, abuse, never knowing what "love" is, et cetera? Oh yeah; you're right - I pour my heart out to these NICU babies. Heck no; I don't. Like I said, people should not even be procreating anymore. This world is overpopulated as it is, and at least half of the world's problems would be solved if people stop procreating or procreation is controlled. Save a life; adopt a baby, child, or adolescent instead. All lives are equal. But people want to procreate for their narcissistic project or to give themselves an illusion of immortality. I am sorry for whatever is happening to the therapist's family member, and hope all turns out well, but nothing more than that.

ETA: I was beginning to calm down, but your comment just triggered my anger and bitterness. Yes; I do have huge issues with babies and children. I even had trouble moving to the therapist's new suite because it was a child's therapy clinic. Kids in the waiting room. And a kid crawling back and forth along the hallway. There's even a smell in the entire suite when I walk in. Don't get me started.

Yep, that's true that it will affect your life. It might happen that you lose all continued therapy services. But such things happen with people in life all the time and as adult we just have to deal with them. And as adults we are capable of dealing with them. You have to consider what are your realistic options and choose the one that is most suitable for you.

ETA: It doesn't mean that you wouldn't have the right to be angry or rant about it. I'm accusing, attacking and fighting with my poor T all the time and he hasn't even really done anything. If he would announce anything like your T then his last months with me would be probably very inconvenient for him.

Eeeek. Harsh man.

@feileacan: Thank you for sharing that. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I still standby what I said about the principle virtue. I'd do the same if I'm a therapist and am able to afford to make those financial accommodations for my patient.

It could be a million different reasons, but as everyone has told you already it doesn't matter. So your only choice is to try to accept things as they are, work with all parties involved and hope for the best or don't, continue what you're doing and then who knows what will happen.

But in case you can't see it right now, this rigid and maladaptive thinking is ultimately going to be your undoing. So, if you value yourself even slightly, you need to do something

@peacelizard: I am doing something about it. I am writing on here to seek other people's thoughts and trying to work out these feelings. And pardon me, but it's not overnight. I agree that some of it is due to unresolved infantile issues, but again, I stand by what I said about principle virtue and the therapist making those financial accommodations because the problem is resulting from her personal life.

What do you mean by financial accommodations? She is already seeing you almost without charge. Do you want her to drop even that namely charge and work for no charge or even pay for your new therapist? I don't understand what do you keep demanding here.

Anyway, even when we speak about ethical principles, I don't think in this case you should expect free or reduced service. Yes, it happened in her life and she has to make changes which will affect you.
You say you would find a way to help your theoretical clients if you were a therapist. That may be true, however most people don't think it would be ethically required. If she did it, it wouldn't be ethical or a right thing to do... She would be a Saint! Do you seriously expect her to offer free service to 20 people, just so they can afford to go to the other therapist in person?

I'm a part-time private teacher (my other job is at a shop) and I seriously care about the children I teach. Some have serious issues (learning difficulties) and I'm sad to say some parents don't care as much as they should. I charge little per hour, definitely on the lower side of the spectrum. For children that struggle, I do extra stuff that I'm not required to do. They are not just clients to me, I think about them in my free time.
However, if I had to move away, I wouldn't offer them free service. I'd expect them to find another teacher locally or I'd offer Skype lessons for the same fee. Do you think it's selfish? That I, and I dare say 99% people wouldn't work for free if they had to quit their job unexpectedly for reasons beyond their control? Would you work for free... With 20 clients? Be honest please.
I really don't know what exactly do you expect from this T.

@elisewin: Quoting what I said in an earlier post. "Even if I am a full-paying patient, it is still unreasonable to be placed in a situation where I have to pay more money for continued therapy services because of a problem originating from the therapist's personal life. So it isn't that I am ungrateful that I am already on the sliding scale."

@seeker33: I'm not asking that the therapist work for free. I do not want her to work for free; it is a professional service and transactional. But I think and feel that she should be sliding down our sessions so that I can pay whatever the other therapist charges if I cannot afford their fee. Like I said, if I'm a therapist, I would do this for my patients only if I can financially afford to do so. Yes; I understand and know that I'm already on her sliding scale, but like I said, even if I'm a full-paying patient, I still think that this principle stands. If she tells me that she cannot financially afford this accommodation, I accept that and hopefully we will be able to figure something out together.

To quote what someone said on another thread, "No therapy is worth 200 dollars unless it also includes a massage and insider tips on the stock market." Mental health professionals charging that much an hour or heck, therapy sessions have now gone from 60 minutes to 50 minutes to 45 minutes now. Even if I am rich and could afford it, I wouldn't see a therapist who charges that much. At a certain point, it becomes pure greed. Sure; people are free agents and entitled to live life how ever it pleases them. But I would not want to be associated with such people - let alone in the realm of therapeutic work.

So how much would you be willing to pay?

I am thinking probably no more than forty bucks seeing that other therapist. If it's fifty bucks, then maybe we could meet three times a month - that is about every seven working business days excluding the weekends.

The therapist is trying to match me with a therapist who charges a hundred twenty to a hundred forty. That's impossible. Even when I had a secure job working on-campus in college, I wasn't always able to make that much a week after taxes.

I have read that but I still don't understand what do you want her to do. You didn't answer the question. Do you want her to work for less than 25$? For free? Pay for your therapy with someone else? Do I remember correctly a while ago you did make a thread how you are unsatisfied she doesn’t go any lower than 25$? If it was you, you didn't seem thankful for that fee either.