Hi everyone-- I started therapy for the first time about a year ago. My T is really kind and has been very flexible re: a sliding scale. She has also been available via e-mail and even gave me a birthday gift.

But, the last few months have been so difficult because I've started to really focus in on how I feel like the relationship is not real. She's nice to me, but as soon as I leave the office, she doesn't give a hoot whether I'm sad or happy. Of course, that's not entirely true-- but as the one who wants to see her as a support system in my life, it feels like she's just this illusion who pretends to support me and who will eventually disappear from my life. She's a false refuge.

I acted out quite a bit (there are plenty of mommy issues in the mix, too), and we had some really hard sessions -- a lot of me just ranting and being angry about how fake she is and accusing her of not caring about me -- for about two months.

I finally said I wasn't going to come anymore because she only brought chaos into my life. When she goes on vacation, I tend to feel lighter. Her mere presence in my life causes me stress and anger.

But she has also been there through some really difficult times, and I know I could e-mail her right now, and she'd be right there for me. I also feel like, maybe this is important processing that has to be worked through?

It felt so nice to have someone be there for me, but it feels so awful to know that person is legally not allowed to even be my friend.

It's been several weeks since I "retired," but my therapist has reached out a few times to see when I want to come back and discuss what happened. I'm conflicted. I do love the support she has offered, but I know that having her in my life brings up so much anger.

Any advice please? (Thank you!)

[Ididitmyway]

Hi Rdbique,

Unfortunately, I have no comforting words for you.

I know exactly how you feel because I've been through very similar experience myself. One of my therapist was like yours - reasonably caring, ethical and responsible. Others were not very ethical. But in all cases, regardless of the therapist's behavior, I was hurt more than helped simply because the therapy process itself is traumatic by design, the long-term therapy for sure. It doesn't really matter how well-meaning, competent and ethical the therapist is. You end up getting hurt anyway.

I struggled with the same dilemma as yours. I felt like I was helped significantly and that therapy was the only place I could safely talk about myself. At the same time, it was unbearable to know that the person who was seeing my most vulnerable and deep parts had to behave with emotional detachment. I found it unnatural and unhealthy. If it was a matter of one or two consultations, it wouldn't be a big deal, but a long term regular visits where you are in a position to continuously spill your guts in front of someone who cannot respond in a natural human way, let alone share their own feelings and experiences - that is a violation of a human nature IMO.

That being said, I don't regret my therapy experiences despite the fact that I was traumatized as a result. In hindsight I understand that in our imperfect world there was no better way for me to get the self-knowledge I got through therapy. Yes, I've paid too high a price for that knowledge and no, I don't believe the price was justified. All I am saying is that there was just no other way for me to do what I needed to do for myself at that time. If I knew back then what I know now, I would've found the way to heal without therapy, but the paradox is that in order for me to know what I know now and to become who I am today I had to do through that painful and traumatic therapy experience.

For the same reason, I believe, you have been in therapy as much as you have. You did what you needed to do because you didn't know a better way. Now, when you have doubts, I'd say listen to your senses. When you say you feel lighter when your therapist goes on vacation, I think that tells you everything you need to know. Our senses don't lie and don't distort the reality.

Like you, I felt gratitude to my therapists for everything they did for me that proved to be helpful and that gratitude kept me stuck in unhealthy situations when I became dependent on them. Like you, I felt a moral obligation to "work through" whatever ruptures and misunderstandings I had with them. It was a big mistake.

You don't owe your therapist anything except money, which I trust you've already paid. It's okay to feel grateful for what was helpful but that doesn't mean you owe her anything. If she did something good for you, it was her job for which you've already paid. You can express your gratitude for whatever was helpful to you, that's up to you. But you don't owe her anything beyond that. If you have been feeling worse for some time that means that your therapist has come to her limitations and no amount of "working through" would change that. From your description it sounds like you've been confronting her pretty intensely. When it comes to that point the therapist should honestly admit that they have come to the limit of their competence and refer you to another professional. But I don't believe your therapist would do it, so you would have to take care of yourself.

In my experience, the longer you stay in this situation, the darker and heavier it becomes and the more difficult it becomes to leave it and move on.

[maybeblue]

I get that. It is difficult to be attached to someone who isn't a real friend. Sometimes though I try to look at the good parts of that professional relationship...what it is, rather than what it can't be. For example, I get to be completely selfish in therapy. I get to talk about me and whatever I want to talk about. I get to have a break from worrying about other people's feelings because I trust the therapist can handle it if I get angry. I know that the things that I tell the therapist will for sure stay there. She won't gossip to my other friends or let it slip out accidentally because we don't have mutual friends. I don't get any of those things with real friends or family.

As far as advice: I'm impressed that your therapist cares enough to email you and check on you. I kind of doubt mine would.

But I think it really comes down to what do you want to accomplish in therapy? What do you want that is different than what you have now? If there isn't anything particular that you want to change, I don't really see a reason to go to therapy. The relationship part is easier if you are working toward a goal. Otherwise it is kind of a pale substitute for a real friendship.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rdbique

I do love the support she has offered, but I know that having her in my life brings up so much anger.

To some extent, "bringing up anger" is a T's job. If it is old anger, or new anger from old pain, or anger out of proportion to the stimulus, then that's something you can work on together.

[missbella]

In my experience, another person making the rules, love bombing me in a tinctured dose then shutting the spigot is a toxic friend or lover. I don’t think therapy erases basic human conditioning or responses to relationships.

[DP_2017]

Totally agree, I will never agree with many of the therapy rules. It's ridiculous in my opinion, to assume ALL clients/T's are the same and need the same rules.

I think it's terribly sad they feel they can't care about you to a normal degree, they are human and if they want to or feel they care that much, they should be allowed to. Same with friendships (after therapy, I get not during)

Anyway... one of the hardest parts it the relationship (IMO because of the rules limiting everything) and trying to adjust yourself and your feelings and such compared to normal relationships.

I struggled often with "Well he only cares about me in the office" and I would test him ALOT and eventually we got to a point where I believed he did really care. Of course not to the degree that I do. He has a great support system in his life, I don't so that is why he matters more to me than me to him, none the less, I believe he cares as much as he is "Allowed" to.

In my case he has gone above and beyond in many situations, and it always helps with the care feelings. I struggled because in recent times he started ignoring emails and I felt that maybe I was to much or he didn't care etc but it's just part of the process apparently, they usually get to a point where they don't always reply. We agreed to not email anymore unless it's just a link or something.

There has been times when we discuss things about his weekend or about things from previous session and he will tell me how somehow something reminded me of him...or he went out of his way to look up some info on stuff for me or something... that always makes me feel cared for

Every therapist is different of course but I think you could ask yours if you think there is anything that could help you feel more cared about. It is a very stressful and depressing relationship often and one I'd never want to experience in my life again. Had I known how this would all go, I'd have suffered alone and skipped therapy.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

[Salmon77]

The way I see it is that therapy makes me more aware of my emotional needs, and it might feel in the moment like the T is the one who should satisfy them, really I need to figure out ways to get them satisfied in my regular life. So if you feel the need for a stronger support system or a deep relationship with someone, then maybe you can use T to figure out what that means and then to work on getting it outside of therapy.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

The way I see it is that therapy makes me more aware of my emotional needs, and it might feel in the moment like the T is the one who should satisfy them, really I need to figure out ways to get them satisfied in my regular life. So if you feel the need for a stronger support system or a deep relationship with someone, then maybe you can use T to figure out what that means and then to work on getting it outside of therapy.

I think the problem is a lot of Ts actually subtly try to satisfy them which pulls you in more. Like OP's T giving a birthday gift and stuff like that, those actions confuse what the relationship is and make their clients want more.

If T's never did confusing stuff like that, it would be more justifiable to have to feel the pain that can come in therapy.

Thank you all for your responses. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in these feelings.
I still go back and forth about what to do, but I do really want to reach a level of acceptance where I can just accept what role my therapist plays in my life and not want anything more or fear being hurt or feel like crap because she isn't filling a role that has yet to be filled in my life. Just being content with what is available and grow from that... Easier said than done. But it's nice to feel like I'm not alone.