Requesting a boundary change

Yes, exactly! This is part of what I thought I got from current T when he gave me (upon my request) the transitional object of the stone from his office...but then in talking to him about it, it wasn't as how I thought it was, and I ultimately gave it back.

Sounds like process failure to me. Why should you the paying customer be put into distress mode directly by the process, and then have to grovel for attention or feedback? I went through this. Was humiliating.

Seems many therapists just shrug their shoulders and say... I dont do email so talk to ya next week. Or if lucky you get a terse robotic response. This is rationalized because the therapist "has a life".

It's unethical and crazy to orchestrate a process that is known to provoke addictive or compulsive behavior, then have no means for dealing with that behavior. Better not to even start such a process.

What I would think about, before making such a request is how it may turn out if the T is willing to engage at first but won't be able/willing to sustain it? Won't withdrawing the extra attention later be even more difficult than not starting/adding more? Because that is what seems to happen most often, based on posts on this forum. It's one thing that a client craves more attention and it makes sense to do so, but what can be provided within the structure of therapy is another. I agree with those suggesting that therapy can be highly addictive, especially for those who have cravings to start with. It's really a lot like how people start to use mind-altering substances - it feels good in the moment and we don't think about the negative consequences for a while, often until it's become extremely difficult to moderate. Then the cravings will just become more unbearable when the "drug" is withdrawn, or loses its efficacy and we just want more and more.

Very good point.

It is very possible that if the agreement to change the boundary is made, the therapist may change their mind later if they see that it's not working for them. From many stories I read here it seems to be not an uncommon occurrence. And, if that happens, the withdrawal of attention may trigger some old pain and worsen whatever traumatic symptoms you may have now. In such cases the reactions often become intense and, sometimes, uncontrollable, which, in turn, makes the therapist to withdraw even more, which, in turn, will cause you more pain and the vicious cycle continues until it becomes so unbearable that either you get "terminated" by the therapist or you quit on your own.

I am not saying this will happen, but this is a very real scenario you need to be aware of. Right now you may feel like additional brief contact with the therapist will be enough because you just want to know that he is there. But your needs might change later. We can never be certain how we will feel tomorrow.

I do want you to know though that if the above described scenario happens, it won't be your "fault" and I wouldn't necessarily look at the increased need for connection as an "addiction".

Addictions in general develop to fulfill the needs that are inherently healthy. The problem with addictions is just that people substitute the substance that they truly need like genuine human connections, emotional nurturing, the sense of fulfilling one's life purpose and such with the substance they don't really need but consume anyway because it's the only thing available to them like alcohol, food, drugs etc.

In your case, you want exactly what your human nature needs to be healthy - relationships with other human beings where you feel accepted for who you are. You want to fulfill that need in your relationship with your therapist. While I don't really believe that the need will be fulfilled to your satisfaction, there is nothing pathological in having the need because you are going for the right "substance". So, while the craving is strong, I would be reluctant to call it addiction. I feel that there is too much pathologizing happening not only in the field of mental health but in the society in general. Therefore, language matters and definitions matter.

I also want to add that by saying that our need for real authentic connectedness with other human beings, where we don't need to play games and can safely be ourselves, is NOT a suggestion that forming a friendship with a therapist is a good idea. I would never advocate for any personal relationship with a therapist in any way, shape or form.

I had a friendship with a former therapist and was deeply traumatized as a result. I don't believe authentic friendship with a therapist is possible because I don't believe that the psychological power inequity will ever change even if therapy is over. Sorry, but to me it's just a wishful thinking and a dangerous illusion to entertain.

As a therapist myself, I can attest that once you are "in the role" you never get out of the role if you truly understand what your role is as a therapist.

When I am, by design, put in a position to help someone who came for help that puts enormous power into my hands, which I feel immediately. What I also feel immediately is that this power will always be present in my relationship with that person and for me to pretend otherwise would be unethical and dishonest. Every unethical therapist I've known and read about pretended to be "equal" and acted like a "friend" with a client when they wanted to get the benefits of friendship, but then suddenly would switch back into a "professional" role when they wanted the benefit of being in a more powerful position. This is the most insidious form of emotional abuse I know of.

So, for everyone who cherishes the fantasy of becoming friends with their therapist you can rest assured that no ethical therapist would want to be friends with you, and, if the therapist agreed to be your friend, beware(!) because this is the sign that they never understood their professional role and don't operate on a highly conscious level. This type of individual will bring you more pain than happiness.

When I said that our human need for connections with others is natural I meant to say that it shouldn't be pathologized. I also meant to say that that natural need cannot and should not be fulfilled by any professional. A professional can and should help you to find ways to build connections with people outside of therapy, to build a community outside of therapy that would feel like a home to you because the need to belong to a "tribe", a community that feels like home is also a natural, healthy human need. A therapist cannot replace all that, they cannot replace something that is meant to be found and/or established in the real world through real work and effort. It's not a therapist's job to replace friends, romantic partners, family, community. Any attempt to make a therapist such a replacement will fail and will result in yet another big trauma and disappointment. Any engagement in such wishful thinking is a waste of precious time and energy that can be spent more effectively on efforts to form relationships and meaningful engagements with real people in the real world.

Ididitmyway - thanks for your responses. The request for weekend contact is sounding less appealing to me. I don’t want to complicate things or make him feel resentful if he ends up being flexible. He has offered me a 2nd weekly session but we are having trouble finding a time that works. That may change in the future and maybe that will be the solution. I can find ways to manage Fri-Sun without him. Or maybe he might be willing to send a quick email first thing Monday morning.

Regarding friendships with T’s, I actually have no desire for that. Although I have been guilty of googling him (not sure exactly why I do that), I actually have no desire to ever see him outside of the therapy room. In fact, I’d like to think he’s always there and never leaves! As a healthcare worker I’m familiar with the idea that he is one person at work, and just a regular guy at home. My desire is to have a relationship with the person he is at work if that makes any sense.

From my experience and observation, this applies to therapy, word for word. Maybe in some cases "because it's the only thing available" is replaced by "because of cultural conditioning".

Yes, it makes perfect sense. The reason I went on a rant about the desire for a friendship with the therapist was because someone here mentioned that they believe in such thing. I don't believe in it and I will always advice anyone against it. So, my last post didn't have much to do with your situation actually.

I wasn't talking about therapy. I don't get the impression from OP that they are addicted to therapy, it sounds like they just need an occasional brief contact between sessions because of their own relational trauma. This often happens in other relationships too, not only in therapy. There is nothing pathological in needing more human contact when you have not received enough of it in your life. For those who don't have a history of this particular trauma, this need may seem excessive, but for a person with this kind of traumatic history it is normal.

Right, I knew you weren't talking about therapy, that's why I made the comment... you were giving a general description of addictive dynamic, and to me it fit therapy. I don't think there is anything pathological in the needs exposed by therapy... i think the pathology is in the process and the "handling" of these needs. I also don't think the OP is addicted to therapy, but I was in the same place, and definitely found I was behaving a lot like an addict in some ways... e.g. if I didn't get a response (fix) right away, I'd start tweaking (withdrawal), and so on.

I think it's totally reasonable to ask. I'm not sure if he uses the same email for clients and his personal contacts, but if not, that may be part of the issue. He may not check that email during the weekend. If that's the case then he probably won't change his ways but it certainly can't hurt to ask. I also agree that you should not see this desire for contact as something to be embarrassed about or as fodder for discussion in therapy. If your therapist can't offer weekend contact, they should make it clear it's because of their own scheduling reasons and nothing more.