[unaluna]

Um - what is this about the parenting columnist? Have you talked to T about that DIRECTLY? From your reports here, it doesnt appear so. Theres nothing wrong with living in fantasy land, except that sooner or later the bill comes due.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by octoberful

I got the impression he was overcompensating with his approach in trying to 'not be like MC' rather than demonstrating his attachment style. But also wondered if he has a dismissive style based on the stone reaction.

Way back there I was saying how I think some aspects of the approach may interact with anxios attachment but overall, I don't have as strong of an opinion on this T as other's seem to have here. Not sure why....

But LT your posts sure do spark interesting discussions! If I was a T, I think I would be interested in the thread.

Was referring to myself not her T LOL.... I don't know his style... I only know mine. Was just showing how its interesting that HER and MY style react differently to the "feeling too close" thing

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Um - what is this about the parenting columnist? Have you talked to T about that DIRECTLY? From your reports here, it doesnt appear so. Theres nothing wrong with living in fantasy land, except that sooner or later the bill comes due.

Yes, I did--was from a few weeks ago, posted in In Session Today. I may not have specifically used the phrase "parenting columnist" but just something like "advice from someone." I actually had two sessions addressing it (a regular scheduled one, plus an extra one I requested the next day) because it was so distressing to me, and he was really helpful and supportive about that topic.

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Was referring to myself not her T LOL.... I don't know his style... I only know mine. Was just showing how its interesting that HER and MY style react differently to the "feeling too close" thing

Lol I didn't even realize.
Wait a minute- i thoought that others were saying that though?

[unaluna]

So why not go back to that topic? It doesnt seem like you were done talking about it with t, you just got sidetracked, like by drinking, and halloween, and your cold, and some conference, and this "caring" stuff. But this is probably the most important stuff in your life. And maybe something you can actually do something about, like with parenting classes you both take, or something.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by unaluna

So why not go back to that topic? It doesnt seem like you were done talking about it with t, you just got sidetracked, like by drinking, and halloween, and your cold, and some conference, and this "caring" stuff. But this is probably the most important stuff in your life. And maybe something you can actually do something about, like with parenting classes you both take, or something.

We probably do need to get back to that. But I did talk to H about it, and he agreed that he needed to pull back some, like not let his anger out so much on D, and things have been considerably better on that front lately, since that conversation. So I guess it kind of went on the backburner. The conference was a major professional event for me (I was one of the main organizers of it, spent months planning it), so it was pretty important. Not sure what you mean about Halloween being a distraction?

As came up in session yesterday, I tend to get scared when things are going well/I feel connected. I wonder if some of this could actually be about my H then, since things seem better there? So that scares me? Hm.

[DP_2017]

LT

Possibly true about H.... I wish you could convince him to do MC again, I think it would be a great help for both of you.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by octoberful

Lol I didn't even realize.
Wait a minute- i thoought that others were saying that though?

Now I'm confused. LOL

Others were saying what?!!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by octoberful

That sounded really good LT, and that he handled your doubts about him well, including coming back in 6 months.

It seems working this way may be helping to build up your distress tolerance incrementally but significantly.

I also thought the endearing statement was interesting, and nice. Sort of a little affirmation for you after the rejection, which made me wonder if he does that rupture repair pattern-one day withholding and the next giving.

(Liked that he used my favorite concept-enmeshed.)

Thanks. Yeah, ex-MC tended to try to convince us to stay whenever I talked about maybe wanting to terminate. Like "I think you should stay and work through it." Which I don't think is particularly ethical? So I appreciated that T seemed completely open to my consulting with someone else, either on a shorter or longer term. I mean, I know it's ultimately my decision, but I thought I'd have to go behind his back if I opted to consult with someone else. So this way, I can be above board about it. Still debating whether to do that...Though I did find a couple T's who seem intriguing who offer a free half-hour in-person consultation so I could always try that and see what it feels like, explain what I'm looking for, just some help figuring out whether to work with him. (I'd want to ask without identifying him, I think...)

The "endearing" statement felt nice. I see where someone could maybe see it as manipulative, but it felt genuine. I don't know that he's intentionally doing a rupture-repair pattern. He's always said he'll be above board and honest with any techniques he's using, so I don't think he'd be, say, intentionally withholding something I want just to get a reaction out of me, for example. But he has said things like "We've worked through a lot of conflicts together and I think our relationship has become stronger as a result." So he clearly sees the benefits of working through conflicts/ruptures.


I thought it was interesting he used "enmeshment" as well because I don't think I'd used that term with him.

[JaneTennison1]

Idk paying for more therapy to help you deal with your original therapy and not any of the issues in life seems like a lot. It also seems manipulative that he softened and said you had endearing qualities when you said you might go elsewhere AND to shut down the attachment thing by saying you are mis remembering and he has a book. Both dont sound like great therapy.

He routinely acts like you are the only one with issues that many have, he makes you feel worse about yourself at times. You regularly have to throw more money at it just to fix 8ssues he creates.

Maybe I'm missing something but how is he helping?

[LonesomeTonight]

Think I need to step away from this thread for a bit, maybe do the consulting another T thing. Nothing personal to anyone, think it's just time to step away.

[SlumberKitty]

(((((hugs LT)))))

[Waterloo12345]

Sending positive energies !

[MBM17]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Yes, he seems to think that if he just doesn't say things like "I care about you," that will make the transference go away. When...that's not how it works. I know he's not overly trained it in, but surely there is plenty of literature out there for T's to check on how to handle it. I think he's like "I must not do any of what ex-MC did" when really some of the stuff he did helped me, it was more the fact that I couldn't really work things through with him as my marriage counselor. Well, OK and that he had really inconsistent boundaries, but honestly, this T's boundaries have seemed hazy lately, too. Or at least arbitrary.

This felt true when I read it.

It DOES seem like he seems to think that if he doesn't talk about it or doesn't say he cares that the problem will disappear. Like someone else said the other day, with attachment problems, knowing that the attachment is stable is when the most progress is made. People with attachments problems don't stop having attachment problems just because they're not attached (if that lack of attachment is what he's going for by not saying he cares).

I agree with others, too - you are not weird in this way. How freaking many of us here are saying, me too, me too, attachment issues here too, working on attachment here too... There's no way he's never had clients with attachment problems, but perhaps he handled those cases as badly as this and either a) the people left therapy or b) he made things worse while they kept meeting. Perhaps you are the only one with enough intelligence and experience to call him on this and see the true nature of the problem and the truth that HIS actions here are causing issues too. You are seeing that it's not all your fault, that you aren't somehow wrong or a weirdo. Perhaps with those other cases in the past, he blamed those people for the problems, telling them they shouldn't be attached, withholding attention, withholding care...

That's too black and white, but I really, there is NO WAY that he's never met with someone with attachment problems, this is NOT your fault and you're not weird/wrong, the issue here is that he's not handling the situation well, and him not acknowledging attachment won't make it go away.

And lastly -- I think you have an excellent point that the attachment with ex-MC wasn't the true problem. Attachment can be used to facilitate more change than would otherwise happen when it's handled well. The problem was that ex-MC got enmeshed and you couldn't work through things regarding the attachment.