[goatee]

My T just became a grandmother last week, and I’m finding myself so jealous. I know she must have been at the hospital for the birth. I know she must’ve been so sweet and kind to her daughter in law. I wish I could have my T as my mother in law. I’m jealous of the new baby too, to have my T as a grandmother. I know these feelings are normal but I’m so embarrassed of them. But honestly I’m just so sad and aching and full of grief for what I wish could be for me.

I totally undestand. I was already jealous of my therapist’s family, but it became worse when her grandchild was born.

[stormyisland]

I totally understand too. I looked my T's children up on Facebook. Both her daughters are stunningly beautiful whilst I struggle with feeling really ugly and fat. And when I thought it couldn't feel any worse t had written really lovely stuff on their FB page calling them lovely pet names and you could just tell she's such a lovely mum. I told her I was massively envious of her children and that I felt so guilty for feeling that way when my mum is so lovely but I was really wishing she was my mum. I still torture myself thinking about all the lovely things she will do with her children and how much time she will spend even just thinking about then when she probably only thinks about me for a few minutes before and after our session.

I have been thinking about this today some more.

T and I are friends on facebook, but I have her kids blocked so I cant see any of the “my mom is amazing “ and “i love my kids” posts that i started seeing.
its better for me to try to not think about it at all.

I think the reason it got worse when she became a grandmother is because 1) my relationship with my grandmother was the only loving relationship I had in my life, and she died several years ago, adn I miss it terribly. 2) I have always longed to become a grandmother too, so i could become like MY grandma, but am unable to even have children of my own, so that is a big hole in my heart.
So my therapjst once again has something else I wojld love to have.

I have to remind myself that my therapist and I have something that is special just between the two of us. that sort of makes me feel better, a tiny bit. we have a unique relationship. not friends and not family , but we are very friendly and very loving, and she does many things with me she would never do with other clients. So while i dont get to have many of the things i wish i could have, (like a loving family, or grandchildren, etc), i try to look for the positive and be grateful for what i do have.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m familiar with this pain, too. My t is a wonderful and supportive mother and grandmother, and she’s always talking about how proud she is of all her kids all over social media. My jealousy and my sadness about not having a maternal presence in my life can be so painful, and it feels worse when I feel like there’s no one I can talk to about it. I visited my t’s favorite place in the world the other day-where she takes her family all the time-and I couldn’t tell any of my companions about the mixed emotions I was feeling re: T. Jealousy can be a silent, stewing emotion, and it can snowball easily. I like what starry night said. It’s good to be grateful for what exists instead of mourning what you pine for and don’t have.
Sometimes therapy seems like a playground built to feed things like jealousy and confusion—and then never offer full relief from the things that bubble up.