Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

When I said "bye" on the phone yesterday evening you ended with "goodnight." It was probably just automatic habit, but it felt weirdly intimate. In like a I want you to tuck me in like a kid way, not a romantic or sexual way. That I was lying in bed when I answered your call probably contributed to the feeling.

I could tell from your voice that you were concerned.
I wish I could have been the one to tell you that my insurance company reversed their decision about covering the IOP today. Did they tell you that I spent an hour on the phone with them Wednesday? Were you excited or relieved for me? Were you proud of me? I want you to know that I wanted this badly enough to do that and insist on being able to get a chance to advocate for myself. And it sounded like my phone call was what ended up making the difference.
I want to get better.

I've been realizing lately that, even though I still want you to worry about me and all that stuff, lately I've been wanting you to be proud of me. I think that's progress. I wish I could share that with you, but I'm not ready to talk about the details of my transference on top of everything else. That one can wait.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I think we both understand each other better now. And I'm glad you'll give me something from your office to hold onto for my upcoming vacation with my parents and that you clarified that you did it by choice and didn't feel forced into it. That comment you made about what if you gave me a plushie...since you don't have any in your office (that I've noticed at least!) does that mean you'd consider getting something for me? Probably not, but nice to think of you trying to pick something out for me. What animal would you choose? And would it represent how you saw yourself or how you saw me? (or just like, "hey, this animal is cute!")

--LT

Really, CE, what would this place be without you?

Never felt so alone, and I just want something, anything to know u care.. won't happen will it!

I'm sad we can't meet Monday but..... so it goes!

Are you okay?

I love you. I'm working on opening my heart, but it's difficult.

Today's been hard. But I don't want to go back to being so hopelessly dependent on you. You said I could message but I don't want you to be there for me.

9/32.

Trusting you is hard, when you are not here, and have not been for some time.
These things do not just disappear because I am unable to talk about them...rather the opposite is true.

I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I don’t feel like myself. I hate this and I hate myself.

I miss you I miss you I miss you imissyouimissyouimissyou!

Hey, y'know, I am looking forward to Thursday already. I've decided indeed I am going to read the stuff I read to you the other day at my CODA meeting tomorrow. I'm finished now answering all the questions for working Step 1 in the workbook, but there's some additional questions in the big book, so I may think some on those today.

I did like the other day when - after I read that dream to you wherein I got a new stove and was insisting to the installer guy that it had to have 4 burners - not 2, not 3, it had to have 4 - you said "You get it!" Yes, indeed I do... I also like how we said in unison "and, 4 is the number of wholeness".

I am planning on being the most enthusiastic therapy-goer ever for the remainder of this 3 month period, at least that's how I'm feeling right now. Did you realize that will bring us to the 7 year mark?? My first session with you was around mid-October of 2011. I'll have to dig out my first therapy journal and check the date...

I wonder what you really felt when I told you I was jealous of your daughter.

Madeleine!

That really is excellent. Thank you axenic plant

Hi - I don't know what was going on in the beginning of last session, I would like more of it even though it feels weird; it feels good too.

I miss you. For the first time in quite a while.

I am so worried about what you think of me. Do you think I am just as disgusting as my other family members? If they are so vile, what does that make me? What I told you was painful. Ugh. If you want me to leave and you hate who I am, please just let me know. I feel like the worst person alive. I don't blame you if you are sick of me.

I've got no reason to email, so I won't, but just so you know... I miss you

I am beyond disappointed in myself. I know you will be, too, but I hope you don't tell me.

On day 10 and I wake up with this heaviness on my heart I can't describe.

My mother is also going away on holiday for 3 weeks and leaves on the 7th, one thing i've noticed is that she hasn't been calling me as much and it feels like i'm on my own. I don't really know how to be an adult.

Yep! I sometimes wish T would read to me- this is book of the moment.

I feel like I'm two different people. Professional me, who'll go to the ends of the earth for others...and personal me...who's been curled up in a ball since the end of June.

At this point, smoke signals would be great. Just let me know you're there, even if you don't want to 'be there' for me right now.

Yes, I am. Thx for asking. I just had one of my usual... Uhhh... Episodes of not using very safe coping skills

I feel like I'm gonna be left alone!