Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."

I let myself get attached again.
I really don't want you to maintain strict boundaries, which probably means that I need you to maintain strict boundaries. There are a lot of extenuating circumstances right now, so you really need to be careful. Don't let your guilt over mishandling the DBT thing make you treat me differently.
No matter how much I think I want you to cross boundaries and treat me like I'm special, if you did that you'd be letting me down and betraying my trust. I'm counting on you to keep your word. Don't screw this up.

I love you
Can you kill me please

I swear this is the longest Sunday of my life... and yet another long day awaits tomorrow. Ugh can it just be Tuesday already? I need to know where things stand with us.

Slowly realising that I haven't felt 'OK' since the end of June.

That's not a comfortable realisation...

axenic plant wasn't too shabby either!

sincerely,

mons wisteria

Love it!

Dear R,

I just feel like I'm stuck on a carousel I can't get off from and I'm exhausted and back to feeling so burnt out again. My exam is still 17 days away and maybe I'm just making excuses, and just not working hard enough because I'm being lazy, but I'm struggling to keep myself together. I need you.

You said I could email and we could also arrange a session,but do you really want to hear from me and go through the motions of a full session?

hi...
you're still there, right?
just checking...

Love you.

I feel like I can’t do this. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t want to keep going anymore. Would you be mad?

Dear t,

I'm disappointed I can't see you this week. However I have two doctor's appointments this week anyways so I guess I have enough running around to appointments to do. I'll miss you though.

-Butterfly

T,

I find myself with many thoughts. There was a time before you in which I went once every 2 weeks to therapy. I was mostly okay with this. Now I find myself waiting an extra three days and it's going to rip me apart. This week in particular will be so long and uncertain. I want your support.

L, waiting outside CODA meeting til it's time to go in. Nervous. But I'm gonna share the stuff I read you last week. I'm sure glad you brought up this co-dependence thing again. I'm feeling like I'm doing some good work on it.

I am so exhausted. It’s been go-go-go for five weeks now. I check your Facebook profile many times every day. I have developed a zero-shame attitude toward it. You’ve been having a really fun summer. I’m happy to know that. I miss you. There’s so much to tell you. But you’re not my friend.

I know you don't give advice, but if you did, it would be "Make an appointment and talk about it."

Dear Madame T.
I want to come and see you and effect a reconciliation. But I have identified two sticking points:
1. I need to tell you my anger, but I also need you to validate my anger.
2. I want to forgive you, but I need to know that you want to be forgiven.
Is that possible?

If I don’t stay safe until then, will you be mad because I technically lied to you? Is it a lie though if I’m using a loophole I found in the promise you had me make?

Dear Good Previous T,

Earlier in Friday’s session I brought up ’prev very bad Pdoc’ and ‘what is rape,’ ‘was it rape,’ etc.

T said something about how a person can feel confused about whether it’s abuse if the intimacies are also pleasurable. She mentioned ‘pleasurable’ a few times.

I don’t think I have told either of you that I never felt pleasure during the intimacies with ’prev very bad Pdoc.’ I remember feeling scared as he locked the front door and came toward me. We were on the couch in the waiting room.

I told him I felt scared. He told me he didn’t want me to feel scared.

After while, he asked me to come with him to a room in the back of the office. I had never been in that room before. There was a chair and there was an exam table. The exam table didn’t have any exam paper on it.

He had all the lights on. I asked him to turn off the lights. He did.

Nothing he did was pleasurable to me, though he tried. He noticed.

It didn’t hurt or anything. It didn’t feel like anything. The only emotions I remember are anxiety, then later there were a bunch of emotions when he made me do the thing I had said ‘no’ to. Fear, shock, repulsion, etc.

I know from his actions that he felt pleasure. Not me.

I think T assumes I feel conflicted bc I ‘felt pleasure.’ But that’s not the case.

I just want you to know so you have my story straight.

Really wish you had a FB page. How is it possible that you don’t? Sheesh.

I’m trying to hang on T, I am, but every moment Im still here things get 10x worse. I can’t do it. I feel so alone and helpless.

((Precaryous))

T, please, please, please answer my email tonight. I need you.

Beavers,

I've been thinking about my friend Billy who killed himself this spring. I have these daydreams that feel like memories where he's still out there - somehow, somewhere. Some other state, lost among the travelers in an airport, living someone else's life - wherever.

And the funniest thing is that it doesn't seem strange at all to me. I wouldn't call out to him or ask him why he went away. Just seeing his face - hell, seeing the back of his head - would be enough.

I think about telling you this sometimes. It's been 4 months since I've seen you. You're always glad enough to see me when I have insights, when I have worksheets. But when I come bearing hopelessness, you have no room. You just sit there, aloof, while my words fall all around you, and I wonder - Is this what drove Billy away?

I know i lost you when i compared managing emotions to training dogs....quite clearly i am an idiot.