Attachment = Love. Or not?

Is attachment a kind if love or is it fear of abandonment?

Attachment plays a role in so many other relationships too: family, friends, etc. It is a very normal way to relate to important people. We are born to get attached to others. So I say liking, maybe loving too and wanting to be around kind of feelings.

Depends on the person, in some cases it could be both.

I RARELY attach to people. I've lived my life keeping people distant and not caring much at all if they are around or not. However with my dogs....I have/had deep attachment, due to loving them so much that I was afraid to lose them.

Then things happened with T, and its similar, I think the love feelings are very strong and so the fear of losing him has combined with it as well. Makes it a nightmare for sure.

Fear of abandonment can be part of the package and usually it comes from the baggage we carry. But it can not be the original feeling, more like the result of attachment and our insecurities put together. Because why to fear of abandonment from someone we don't love/like/care about.

Do you mean to real people or a therapist? To me, for real people, it depends - I love some people and am fond of others. Some I miss more than others when they go away. I am attached to my parent (and was to my deceased parent) even though I rarely see them in person. I was greatly attached to my person. I have been attached to various lovers at various times in my life. I am quite fond of my friends and perhaps even have a sort of love for some.

For me, I did not miss the therapist if she was on vacation or if I was. I did not feel all that fond of her and I definitely did not feel love of any sort. I basically could abide her in a certain way within certain parameters. The therapist, to me, plays a role. They are a stranger one pays to sit there.

The first one talked about bonding with her but finally stopped. I don't recall if she also used the term attachment. The second woman, thank god, did not ever mention bonding or attachment.

Therapists are real people... LOL Therapist is just a job title

I assume you mean real world VS in therapy... and Idk what OP means, I just answered it in general

In my view, I would not equate attachment with either, but both can possibly be part of it for someone. I think attachment can be defined in many ways, I prefer a more descriptive one: a marked desire to associate ourselves with someone or something. I really think anything else is highly individual.

Love can also be many different kinds and I don't think all forms of love involve intense attachment. For me, for example, the most fulfilling forms of love feelings and relationships do not tend to involve intense desires to possess someone or to be continuously associated with them and have their attention. And definitely not a fear of abandonment, where the most critical emotion, IMO, is the actual fear - and a feeling of uncontrollable attachment is more a consequence of that fear in my personal view.

I often actually feel that the kind of "attachment" people describe on this forum is more obsession or a form of addiction than love or strong specific interpersonal interest, and this is a reason for me that I don't actually like to use the word "attachment" to describe something so intense, consuming, often one-sided and out of control.

I think all this is extremely subjective and hard to come up with terms and definitions everyone (or even most) would agree with.

I get that and I agree. For me, and I'm usually not too open on here, but with my dogs, they were literally my world. So many things kept happening in my life that turning to them, was all I had for comfort and happiness. As they aged, the fear of losing them took over but I loved them very much. Putting my dog down in Oct was the hardest thing I've ever done, I didn't WANT to let him go, but out of love, I knew I had to... and since then, this is why with my T and my other dog, the "fear of abandonment" has snuck into things. I keep thinking, great.... everyone I love is gonna leave me now.

My T being away on this break has been tough but it's really tested my love for him VS obsession or whatever... and honestly...I've been able on my own to work out my issues of losing him while he was away and I've become ok with it, my compassion has turned to wanting him happy and doing what he needs to go for his health etc, VS my need to see or speak to him... I think that's love.

I'm not gonna say It has not been hell not having any contact, a big part of that for me is a massive routine change but then again, he's also the biggest support I have in life and naturally, when he's away, everything has been falling apart in my life so the "desire" to talk to him in some form is higher than it has been on the trip. However I'm still respecting him and not bothering him and telling myself, he needs this break... and we will talk in a few short days.

So yes you are right in a sense too that I don't think everyone can agree on this but I think in my case, I would not call it obsession. If anything, I'm obsessed with my dog... but mostly because he's just so cute

I think the term "attachment", as used in therapy, is a euphemism for emotional dependency or addiction.

I've often considered this question. I think attachment is love. Fear of abandonment is mostly caused by relational trauma. You can be attached without fearing abandonment.

It depends on do you want to classify love, or do you want to feel love? If you classify love, you get these four: empathize, protect, sympathize, enhance; where attachment may be a good fuel for it, or it can lead to demise of it. On the other hand, attachment can also be part of love, if you just feel love, not think love.

I think with love comes attachment but attachment can happen on it's own , too. With both is fear of abandonment and loss.

I don’t really think of it as either. I feel like they are all separate things that can happened together or alone. It’s possible to love someone without being attached and vice versa: I love my cousin who lives across the country, but am not attached to her. When I was younger, there were certain authority figures I felt very attached to, but didn’t love.

Therapists are real people, but they do their best to conceal it in session.
Certainly the person we see is not the person their spouse sees, or even their friends.

How do you know? Maybe it is... not everyone is going to completely change themselves just for work.... in most cases probably but not all. None the less my comment was basically saying they are still people, we can attach regardless of job title.

I imagine there are very few people who show the same at work as in their family life and other private relationships. It does not mean one cannot love or get attached to a colleague, mentor etc who is an excellent partner in that endeavor. The problem and pain, IMO, is more when the intense attachment happens to a manipulative, abusive, unhelpful person. Not that it is easy to prevent it - if it was, we would not read so many bad therapy stories here.

When I had jobs in the public, the ONLY difference in how I acted there vs home etc is I was quieter. My social anxiety kicked in and I was more shy.I know my T is very silly/funny with me but has said many times "I'm actually very quiet outside of here with most people." and I never believed it until a weird session where we had to have some guy in the building fixing something while we we were there and the guy was asking him things a few times since no one else was around and he got really shy/quiet and I commented on it and he said 'Yes, I have to be comfortable with someone before I am more chatty' thats exactly how I am... so I think for the most part in my case, I see very much who he is.

Besides... it's totally fine to me that people would be different in different situations. I think everyone does that from time to time. I can tell you, my family sees the most quiet/innocent and chill side of me ever... I am not like that at all but because of how my family is, it's the only acceptable way. My T, my friends, they all see the real fun/silly me.... although I am still mostly quiet, ha!

You are right though generally , but just sharing my story here.

I kind of compare the way my T is with me to how I act with the kids I nanny for. Of course I’m not going to treat them exactly like I would my friends or husband, but that doesn’t mean that the side of me that they see is not genuine. Yes, I filter what I say and do when around them, but I still care for them deeply and love them just the same.

Exactly this. Reminds me of another example. I had a super religious friend for many years. Most times I swear often and depending on who I am with (friend VS family) I talk dirty.... but around her, I never did either. I was very aware of things, I was myself the most I could while still respecting her and not making her uncomfortable. I never lied about things I enjoyed or didn't. I laughed at things I truly thought were funny etc... I dont think T's are really that different as they want us to think. Unless T's are lying to clients about things they like or enjoy or experiences they had and unless they are laughing just to make someone feel better, I'd say they were very real, just depending on the client, maybe reserving certain parts.

I hired them to stay back - caring or whatever was not what I was there for and did not want it from the hired stranger. I don't really see what difference it makes if they care or if they just let clients believe it. Therapy is a lot like dumbo's feather -in my opinion. Those guys are going to say they care in some fashion regardless of how true it is or isn't. If you want to believe it and it helps you, why not just do it and go on - they might even be telling the truth. I doubt ( and I hope she was not - that would be extremely creepy to me) the woman was the same in real life and I know the second one was not .

Do they keep a therapeutic distance from their real friends?
Do they tell their real friends they can't come into the house?
Do they never tell their real friends about their partners and children?

This links very well into my other thread about "managing" a therapist.

My argument there was that one would censor oneself to protect the sensibilities of a friend, but that one shouldn't have to do that with one's own therapist.

I have had actual friends that I've never been to their house, never been inside or anything.... I have kept everyone who is a friend at a distance my whole life... so probably similar to therapeutic... and the last part, I know about my T.

So in most cases, yes but not all...I'm even using examples of my own friends and myself as a friend... everyone is different, friendship is differently defined by many people...

To me you are comparing apples and oranges. Behaviour is one thing and who you are is another thing. Sure, they are related but there are other factors as well.

It's just that relationships or roles are different - being a friend is different than being a spouse or a teacher or a therapist or a salesman or a parent or whoever. The person is the same but different roles warrant different behaviour.