[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I am.paying for a counsellor and she is really good. Today I picked up the nerve to talk about my old sports coach who should have been a role model but I can safely say he wasn't.
I remember my training colleague said she was going sledging with the sixth year class and he shook his head in disgust saying she was immature. We had just been t the gym for two hours at seven in the morning and she would be at his gym for five hours that night.
At 18 I went out with my pals and danced in clubs. He called me immature for letting my hair down.
I felt ready to take my exam to go to next leven and he said that because I drunk on a weekend i was to immature to do it. I felt alive for the first time in my life and I disagreed and I got the details from one of the parents and I asked him to sign it saying I was ready. He of course had the last snide word.
I passed. I even show boated and let my partner in the exam land some hits.
Another coach told me I should swith to competing in another field. And I was so embarrassed while he spoke away to me because he was the Ex British coach !

I needed a months break in hospital because everyone was calling me lazy and I had a breakdown . I was training and working and studying.
My ex role model must have felt some guilt in his unconscious and he came straight to my house to give me my certificate. Its ok I forgive you.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I seen one of the people I sat my test before that and we blethered on fb. He said that he went back to the club but the "role model" got domineering and said to him he could train but would never get to progress any further because he had been in trouble with the police in the past. I would never let anyone treat me like that nowadays.
Kids in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Sorry he didn't respect that you were trying to change and I hope that he doesn't let him get to him. Everyone deserves a chance to start over

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

He was more interested in galavanting and making connections for himself at competititons.
If he had spoke to me before the fight with local hero I would not have been crushed 15 ppints to 7. I wasn't humiliated because she was fast! And she went on to do very well. Plus it was inevitable that I was going to fall to bi-polar. Losing to that opponent was an honour
Another coach said that the Scottish have big hearts and that it was also my coaches fault so i didn't need to cry my eyes out in changing rooms

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I wanted to throw in the towel so bad. My coach was just mumbling incoherently.
Back home he says, is taekwondo just a hobby now. But I had one more fight left in me.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

That was a great fight considering you haven't been training. I was training I just had not been going as much as before.
The referee said it was the best comeback he had ever saw. I think I nearly levelled it. If there had been another round I just might have pulled ahead.
I am happy and fortunate to have gone out on a high note.
I never expected to reach what I attained . I had all ready done more and was relieved to hang up my gloves.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

After I spent a month in rehabilitation I came back home. My dad put up the dart board in the lobby for me . My mum bought me a portable cd player. I started jogging. My confidence however was still shaky. It would do so for a nearly a decade.
I started applying for jobs and a course at my community college aided me to build my CV. But I came accross one conundrum. References. I didn't want to put my old boss in the position of having to lie about my stint in rehab for my professional referee. For my personal referee I considered my martial arts coach but my boyfriend said that probably was not a good idea as he wouldn't trust him to babysit his dog.
After careful deliberation I agreed . I envisioned an employer contacting him and he would not have been able to resist divulging the 411 on me. He would say that he was man of principles and could not lie and would say that I had been In trouble and had to spend time in a mental health facility.
Even though he gave a cleaning job to a guy who had self harmed when his girlfriend left him and fell on hard times. And even though a guy that visited him who looked up to him claimed that the very people who treated me had used experimental drugs on him. I highly doubt this. As a matter of fact I know that was his pride talking and it was a white lie. I told someone I was in hospital for pneumonia. But for some reason he had a bee in his bonnet about me. My old coach that is.
When I got my job at supermarket to fund my training, he made fun of me when I was "till trained". The till operators actually earned more than the shelf stackers because they handled money. The workers on the shop floor had a more physically demanding role and dealt with customer all the time. But isn't this always the case. The people who do the real hard graft are often bottom of the rung.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

Originally Posted by Unbrokensoulgeron

That was a great fight considering you haven't been training. I was training I just had not been going as much as before.
The referee said it was the best comeback he had ever saw. I think I nearly levelled it. If there had been another round I just might have pulled ahead.
I am happy and fortunate to have gone out on a high note.
I never expected to reach what I attained . I had all ready done more and was relieved to hang up my gloves.

So to sum things up, I figured out me getting unwell was inevitable as I had a faulty gene. Because of my hectic lifestyle, I may have set it off early but I will never know entirely.
Getting beat at my sport was a blessing in disguise because I could not have handled the negative attention when my bi-polar hit a peak. At least my melt down happened at home.
So my doctor was right that a lot of my psychosis was stress induced and environmental. But I was unlucky enough to have the predisposed gene that combined with all the stressors and bang, it was set off. And once it had been activated, there is no cure. But it is a manageable condition.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

Originally Posted by Unbrokensoulgeron

So to sum things up, I figured out me getting unwell was inevitable as I had a faulty gene. Because of my hectic lifestyle, I may have set it off early but I will never know entirely.
Getting beat at my sport was a blessing in disguise because I could not have handled the negative attention when my bi-polar hit a peak. At least my melt down happened at home.
So my doctor was right that a lot of my psychosis was stress induced and environmental. But I was unlucky enough to have the predisposed gene that combined with all the stressors and bang, it was set off. And once it had been activated, there is no cure. But it is a manageable condition.

The doctor asked me what was my earliest childhood memory. I wad a bit overwhelmed with the hustle and bustle of the psyche ward and also my mood had plummeted after my break from reality. This was the last thing on earth I wanted to re visit. So I explained I need space.
In one session she tried a different approach and said that she actually thought I was quite bright. She hadn't sat down with my parents and boyfriend to find out about my background. Why didn't she ask me??!
So I wrote out a hap hazard list of my credentials . No computer and printer and showed it to a staff member. Impressive qualifications for a shelf stacker she said. What do you really want to do? So my judgement hadn't quite returned to normal so on a walk up town I showed a little shop business that dealt with heath products and they took it politely and smiled saying they will take a read. Any normal business owner would have had a laugh at this but I have a feeling they were more a "oh bless their cotton socks" kind of lady.

I then out of boredom wrote some poems and one nurse found time to type it up for me because it ryhmed in parts. I remember the English tests having options to write a poem and I would think I could never achieve that in a million years on his earth.

[Unbrokensoulgeron]

I spoke about the time I overdosed and the woman use said I sounded a bit "flat". I said that even one of my friend said I spoke in monotone.
I started to touch on how I feel like a quitter. I hear my parents saying that I have no commitment and can't hack it when the hest gets too hot in the kitchen.
I started night classes at community college because I felt like my brain and entire being was turning to dust. The conditions were terrible. There wasn't windows or adequate ventilation and It wasn't doing my helth any favours. I even got a chest infection and I was a healthy 21 year old who jogged in spare time.
I was stuck out the back even though I said that i would like a turn out the front. I had one person to talk too. At home my life was entwined with my fiance .
I was fine with the writing aspect of my course but the real life work experience was nerve wracking and I even shook while I gave my first talk. The assistant teacher said my talk was great.
As the course progressed I still played it safe and in one session the teacher must have thought I needed a little push (tough encouragement ) and said that unless I varied the tone in my voice I may not be able to carry on with it. In my notes she wrote what I said was valid but I did not express it adequately so a client would not take it on board.
I told my boyfriend and he said you always get kicked off of everything. Good thing you have me to look after you.
So in the next session. I spoke up and I passed. I talked about my up bringing and time at school and I think I made a classmate rethink her opinion of me.
I concentrated too hard on writing. But in real life work is a bout communication as well and building rapport and relationships. I said in one of my pieces that I got criticised at work for putting my head down and getting on with just the work and keeping my nose clean. I thought i was just avoiding drama. I had enough drama at home.
I think this is why many people dropped out of the course in the early stages because it was not what they expected. It was such a hands on and get involved. So i was overwhelmed too. One girl was in tears in second week as she had chosen wrong course.
But if a person stays in their comfort zone, they will never discover what they can achieve.

[pairjoseph001]

The reason why fulfilling early life needs (except for the need to be understood) is not really the solution is that in adulthood, it never really works. Somehow, even very willing adults can never fully take away the pain from long ago. Even if the child within actually gets to a “yes” from another adult, the yearning soon returns, largely unfulfilled, and the true work of therapy, resolution of feelings, is still there to be completed.