Accepting my therapist's apology

I had a rupture with my therapist recently, related to her flaking out on me on multiple occasions in a short period of time (a few months). She cancelled on me with several hours notice a couple of times, and also twice when I was already at her office bc of things that came up with her kids. I understand that life happens, but also felt like I needed more from her in terms of addressing and repairing the inconsistency.

I tend to back away from anger, but made a stunted attempt to express how angry and hurt I feel about her inconsistency. She encouraged my anger, but has seemed unable to address her side of the issue to my satisfaction. I'm honestly not sure if that's about my inability to accept her apology, or her own shame/defensiveness getting in the way. Or both of course.

She was the one who posited that perhaps her shame got in the way of apologizing initially. And that she was concerned that an apology would fall flat and trivialize my hurt and angry feelings. Which I can understand, but what seems to be missing is her asking or offering about how to make this right. I had to tell her I wanted an apology.

And at the same time, I can't put my finger on why I can't seem to accept her apology and move on. I can be stubborn about forgiveness, the legacy of multiple previous betrayals (by others, not her).

I'm mostly just trying to write out my experience here. But if anyone wants to share about how they are able to accept their therapist's apologies, that's welcome too.

I think in your position, the drawn out nature of the offense would make it hard for me to let go with an apology that takes only moments to make. It would feel somehow anticlimactic.

Anticlimactic is a great descriptor. Thanks for highlighting the contrast between the multiple "infractions" and a single apology. It helps to recognize the mismatch.

It is also a very reluctant apology. I think ( some) T's have issues about their families v their clients and get very defensive on the whole topic. She should be professional, and not cancel your session unless it is a true emergency, and also if she has a 24 hour cancelation fee for you then she should give you the session free Imo.

I can't tell from your post if she actually did apologize? That is the one area my therapist is absolutely sucks at. I think in about 4 years she has apologized once in a way that was sincerely and complete (as in, checking to make sure after that I was okay and ready to move on). The other times, she says "I'm sorry that's how you feel" which to me is worse than saying nothing.

yeah, everyone is ONTO that line nowadays. It's a very cheesy way to go, IMO.

I think she absolutely owes you an apology that reflects her understanding that she failed you. I'm getting the sense that she understands your feelings--as they pertain to you as a client--but is she cognizant of her failing as a professional? I"m sensing that she isn't. I get that childcare can too often fall to the woman; but she's not working at a minimum wage line job. She has resources to arrange her professional life in such a way that both can be accommodated without dumping the consequences on clients. It may necessitate sacrifices in lifestyle, cutting back work hours, arranging for paid childcare, etc.


I freely admit that as a woman without children, I resent how often workplaces have expected me to pick up the slack when an employee with children says they can't fulfill a job duty. I chose not to have children and don't think I should have to be regularly responsible for those who chose to have them.


I've also noticed that parents under @ 40 yrs old can be child-focused in the extreme. In Univ circles we call them "helicopter parents" because they hover. I don't know a Univ teacher who doesn't often field calls from parents who intercede on behalf of their adult children about all sorts of routine grades, etc.


So it just wouldn't surprise me if she really doesn't see her actions as professional failings for which she owes you, at the minimum, an apology. What she really owes her clients is to manage her life in such a way that, barring true emergencies, her clients come first during work hours.

Sorry I don’t mean to side track the thread but I feel like I need to respond to this. We have 2 kids ages 9 and 7. We are not even close to being helicopter parents. Our kids go to school and have paid childcare. So if all goes like it should we are able to work a full day and then pick them up. But as we know it is an imperfect world. My wife takes the train to work which means I am the on call emergency parent. So if one of them gets sick or hurt I have to go pick them up. Meaning I basically have to get my things and leave right away. I can’t tell them oh I will be there in 3 hours I have work. Therapist are people too they can’t schedule in an emergency with their kids. I have been cancelled on before as I was walking into the building. Life happens. My kids come before my job. I am sorry that therapists have to cancel appointments on short notice or if people feel like they get the short straw at work because a coworker had kids. That coworker has to use leave when they have a kid emergency so it isn’t like they are just getting free time off. We all just have to remember life happens and we need to be flexible and give people some slack and that includes therapists.

"I'm sorry that is how you feel" is a non apology. It is blaming the recipient and shields the stater from responsibility.

I think this is what they mean when they say therapy is about the relationship. The situation is you had expectations and you felt disapointed by her actions. That could be the script for any number of human interactions. I think this is why they also say, when you forgive someone, its for YOUR sake, not theirs. Can you accept this person's imperfections?

"And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us"? - NOW I get what that means.

I guess the question is, is her disruptive schedule causing untenable disruptions in your schedule, or are you able to absorb them? Would you prefer to find a more stable t?

I agree with this, especially the idea of forgiveness being about you and not for the benefit of the other person. But what I recognize in myself from an earlier version is that I was so very hard on people when they messed up, T and otherwise, that I wasn't satisfied until they were practically bleeding in distress on the floor from the motions and scripted statements I was forcing them to say. I made people feel small when they made a mistake, and I made them apologize for it in successive iterations, they had to pony up so much proof of their true distress at their misstep, and rub their knees raw from the begging that it was like there was practically no person left. I gave them no room to just apologize, they had to beg for forgiveness. And when people finally made reparations and said exactly what I wanted them to say, it was hollow and dissatisfying to me.

I don't think there is any magic in particular words of apology and I think allowing people to express it even if you disagree with how they put it or whether you think it's enough is much better for relationships than the opposite. In my history, there's not anything that could ever make up for what was done to me. And I think that's true for any mistake or mess up, an apology, even if perfectly worded, can't undo the damage that's been done. The choice is either to move forward and continue to be in a relationship with that person, or to leave. At least in my own life i'm not really a fan of apologies. I am a fan of telling the other person how what happened affected me, in a way that doesn't attack or shame them. When they apologize and indicate they wish it could be different, they understand, that' s enough for me, even if it's as simple as "I'm sorry."

But the real benefit I noted is that when I started letting people off the hook, whether or not I continued to be connected/in relation to them, I started forgiving myself for the mistakes and missteps I made, that my own imperfections and errors bothered me much less. An unanticipated side effect but a welcome one.

As I stated, "barring true emergencies." This is repetitive behavior on the part of this T. There is no indication in the OP's account that the T is even aware of doing anything differently to prevent such occurrences from repeating.


In my experience, colleagues are not "taking leave" or in any way expected to take responsibility for absenting themselves; there is simply the expectation that childless employees will "take up the slack" with the assumption that they have no excuse not to. This has also extended to overtime functions, planned retreats, etc. In my workplaces, having kids is, in fact, a "get out of jail free" card whenever it is inconvenient to do otherwise. I would consider "taking leave" to be an appropriate action for attending to home responsibilities and not a penalty: it is simply accepting responsibility. Future Univ teachers would thank you for not being a helicopter parent--but it is a very widespread phenomenon that has caused extensive issues at Universities in the US.


For a T, the stakes are a bit higher because it is usually not possible for there to be any substitute provided. For this reason, I think the burden is on Ts to be more diligent in how they organize their non-work lives, and it appears that this T doesn't do so. What sort of apology is offered and whether or not the OP chooses to accept it is only one part of the problem. Underlying the situation is the repetitive nature of the short/no notice absences. Simply saying "life happens" wouldn't pass muster as an excuse from a client to most Ts for cancelling at the last minute, so why should it be allowable behavior from a T?

Fkm, i dont disagree with you. While i was writing my post, i kept thinking, "what the market will bear," unfortunately this isnt Sweden - that is, the market doesnt support women working and raising children. So, is it personal, political, or psychological?!

Oh I think it's all 3. But work culture in the US has traditionally found solutions in pitting one employee's interests against another. It's convenient for the employer. I think for quite a while now, the shift has been to burden the single and/or childless employees in an attempt to appear "family friendly" without actually implementing any policy that would cost anything.

But I think the driving issue here, and why the situation/apology doesn't seem satisfying, is that it is empty, irrespective of how well-meaning it may be. If the T isn't willing to actually do anything to prevent most of the absences from affecting her clients, then what does the apology really mean? And, of course, would the same reasoning be acceptable both ways in the relationship. I'd be really interested to know if this T has a 24-hr cancellation policy for clients.

ugh my ex t used to say this too. she never apologized! i hated it!

false apology card
Google Image Result for https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/2000/1*-0HRPib1Ne9nu-Oph-xgzg.png

Love this! Yes a "sorry you feel like that" is worse than not saying anything.

That is so funny! 😄