I need to let go of my emotions around an ex-T

The emotion that comes up most for me in therapy is shame. I stopped seeing this ex- T two years ago, and saw another wonderful T after that, and when I told her things that ex-T had said I could see that she didn't think much of her. I had to stop seeing wonderful T due to her ill health. Now the feelings of shame that I had around the ex-T have resurfaced and I seem to be stuck with them. I don't know how to make them go away. She lives in the same town as me, I would really really hate to ever encounter her again. Thoughts about her come into my head every day. I am trying to just think of happy things instead whenever the thoughts come. It is hard for me to view her as having been a 'bad' T. I was attached to her and I liked her so much, I respected her. I felt terrible when I stopped seeing her, but I couldn't go on, she could never seem to talk to me about ruptures we had, or anything that I brought up about our relationship. I suppose she can't have been a good T if this is how my therapy with her left me. Therapy is supposed to help you, not make you feel like this. Despite knowing that, I blame myself for the failure of that relationship.

How did your feelings of shame come about?

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I feel like from what you described I can somewhat understand where you're coming from and it's a very painful place. To be told that the person you thought what helping you ( and to know it in your heart it not want to deal with it/admit that you've been hurt by some one that was meant to help you is an awful feeling

I think my experience shares some similarities. My relationship with my therapist was very wounding, but I also really loved her and felt attached to her (which is part of the wound). I had to leave because it was hurting me more than helping me--and she, too, was not good at discussing our relationship or facilitating the aftermath of ruptures.

I also take on the bulk of blame for that relationship failing. In many ways, she was very, very good to me. But if I listed all the things she said/did that really hurt me, she'd sound like a terrible therapist. (I think it's possible that she's actually not very skilled in the profession, I don't know)

Still, I keep telling myself, if I were strong enough/kind enough/graceful enough/etc, I'd be able to simply accept things as they were instead of letting the relationship take so much control over me. I also have thoughts of her popping into my head every day, and I find it difficult to quiet them down. For me, I feel like I was handed this mother figure who turned out to be all smoke and mirrors, and I just keep going back and replaying everything and trying to understand what went wrong. Shame runs deep. I hope the difficult feelings you're experiencing soften soon.

Thanks for your replies.
Ididitmyway - the shame relates to my childhood, but is triggered in therapy - maybe your asking for specifics, which I'm not sure I want to write down.

Whalen - thanks for your comment, that's exactly, she was supposed to help. I paid her. I don't know what to think.

Riverlight- thanks for sharing, it's helpful to hear of you having a similar experience. In some ways I think therapists play with fire, they blunder around and can really bruise clients. I think they must be oblivious because many of us bruised clients slink of quietly, and the T never realises. I do hope that my thoughts and memories of her will fade. I hope yours do too. i wonder how her other clients find her.

I can relate to some of what you say in the above post.

Shame and self-blame... it's the standard therapy stigmata.

Any therapist who takes money from a vulnerable person and then can't face ruptures and failures is a fraud. The therapist should be the one feeling shame and disgrace.

No, I was asking about what happened between you and your ex-T that caused you shame. You didn't say anything about it in your OP. May be you talked about it in other threads and I just don't know. It's hard to say anything when I don't know what happened and what the shame is related to.

I was posting because of my need to find a way to let go of my thoughts about that T. I don't feel the need to discuss what went on between us. What I need to do is to let go of my anger and let my brain move on.

I don't know how to get rid of the feelings of shame except to have feelings of acceptance where you accept yourself and the other person for who you are. It is difficult, and it takes time, but if you can come to terms with it, so to speak, then the shame should lessen.

What helped me was to deprogram. I questioned and overturned therapy assumptions and dogma, and tried to apply critical thinking as rigorously as possible. Eventually the entire process lost validity. It became a farce and a fraud in hindsight. I began to see the practitioners as largely frail, unstable, neurotic, and unaware. This did not erase emotional wounds, but it lessened their effects considerably.